25

The late goodbye?

If this year was a day,
I am looking at noon,
The morning flew by,
Now waiting for the moon.

Turning to look around,
Glancing over my shoulder,
Still looking out for you,
As the wait gets colder,

I can feel you around,
Holding my fingers,
It has been 8 months,
But the last touch still lingers.

Time to move on,
To me everybody says,
But the longing is still constant,
And not just in waves.

As I prepare for dusk,
And eventually the night,
I believe you are my darkness,
But also the happy light.

I know eventually to this road,
There will be an end,
But let me accompany your memories,
At least till the next bend.

I know it is a thing of the past,
I cannot anymore lie,
But I am still holding onto it,
Preparing for the late goodbye.

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24

Being an emotional fungi 101

Hola! I have had enough experience in my life on how to be dark and depressing and so I am introducing this course to you all on how to be an emotional wrench all the time. Why fungi? Because it is my course and I can pick whatever I like. And mushrooms and fungi look sort of sad for some reason to me. Like hanging faces.

-Place reminders of the ex around : Breakups are one of the biggest reasons a person can get dark and gloomy. If you want to continue feeling that way, you should put tiny pieces of memories all around you. Take their old, worn-in t-shirt and put it on a pillow and keep it in a hugsy position. This trick is usually for having your partner around when he is not physically present. But it works very effectively when you have broken up as well. Every time you see that t-shirt, or hug it, you will feel super gloomy, and your heart will cry. Even if it says ‘Everything will be okay’, we know we won’t let that happen. Keep things like their last tube of face wash, that pebble from the beach, the mason jar bottle, old shirts, even tags from the gifts they got you, somewhere your eyes can see and well up immediately.

-Keep your weekends either very busy or totally free : We don’t do averages. We do extremes. If you are out and doing stuff on Friday night, Saturday all day, and Sunday all day, you will get extremely tired and you will cry because Monday will be a ‘Khooni Monday’(‘bloody Monday’). Also, if you are home on Friday night, and on Saturday and Sunday, with the only exciting thing being laundry, then you will feel alone and nostalgic and totally like a loser, and you will cry.

-Keep light in the room dim : When it is nice and bright and sunny outside, it makes us happy and cheerful. But that is good only for the daytime when we are taking a break to finish chores and from being sentimental. So as soon as it gets dusky outside, do not get up from the bed to turn the light on. Remain there watching something stupid on Netflix till it gets really dark and you can see your fingers, courtesy the laptop screen reflection. It works instantly to make you feel all alone and depressed and miss your mommy.

-Keep a lot of stuff on your bed if you have any traces of OCD : Sometimes when we lie down to retire for the night, we need everything perfect. But when we stretch and hit something with our toes, it can flip a switch in our heads to throw that thing away and scream in anger and frustration. So the moral of the story is, keep that extra folded blanket that just takes up more space and doesn’t serve any purpose in the summer, right on the corner of your bed. Also, make yourself so habituated to a tiny toy that you can sleep only while clutching it in your hands and if you wake up at 3.17 am and can’t find it, you flip out and look for it, and sleep again only after finding it. It helps if that tiny giraffe was from the ex. When the frustration builds up, the tears will flow.

-Listen to a song on repeat : It can be anything from Galliyaan, to Yeh Swades hai mera or Say something, I’m giving up on you to Boulevard of broken dreams. You will find one word or line that will make you intensely emotional. Songs are powerful. When emotions are running high, any song will make you feel it was written ONLY for you. Use that to your advantage. Choo Choo! Hop aboard the crying train!

-Fuel up your car : I have an intense struggle with myself every time I put gas/petrol in my car. Paying that abysmal amount makes me cry tears of blood. So go ahead, go for a full tank, and let the waterworks loose.

-Check your bank account balance : If this does not make you cry, my friend, I bow down to thee.

-Burn your dinner : The easiest way to feel extremely homesick and turn into a soggy tissue paper. I have already written a blog post on that experience.

So go ahead, and take this course. No exams. Just free grades. F is the best grade here.

8

Randomness, encore

My creative juices have vanished somewhere. So, I am going to post another set of random things about me.

1. I can be usually seen picking on my scalp. My mom imitates me where I am sitting and picking on my scalp and staring at a single hair in the front slightly cross-eyed. Geez, writing this makes me realise how stupid I must look.

2. I get obsessed with what I read very easily. There are new phases one after the another where I want eye lash curler, MAC blush, eyebrow makeup, and currently, cuticle smoothner and remover. Don’t ask. I never end up actually getting stuff.

3. I was a fairly low maintainance girlfriend, except the temper and mood swing part. I did not expect gifts, and if I had to, I would tell the xBF to just take me with him and let it be my choice, cuz then I can get picky. Also, I would pick up cheaper stuff to not burden him and would mostly go dutch when going out on dates.

4. Somehow lately my wardrobe for work is just blues and blacks and greys. I am infusing more color and turning it more feminine with dresses. I got atleast 10 compliments the other day when I wore a new frock style dress to work. My bosses’ reactions ranged from ‘Wow!’ to ‘What a pretty lady!’. It made me very happy.

5. I have realised that I am in a life-stage with friends where I don’t have a say. It is either follow the group or don’t. It is nobody’s fault. The days where I was an equal decision maker in groups is a thing of past and it will take some time to get it back. It will take some time getting used to. Kinda hard to explain.

34

Idiocity of the idiot box

Everybody who knows me even a li’l bit, knows that I am a major tv buff. I can watch just about anything. I watch so many daily soaps and if I cant watch them, I will read written episode updates. Yes, I am that bad. Although watching TV has reduced now. I prefer reading the updates at lunchtime and I watch American tv series it night during dinner. If Bigg Boss is on, then, well, Bigg boss during dinner. 😀

In 10th and 12th, during mandatory board-preps-cable-cutting time, I made a giant fuss about it all happening! But did it deter my tv watching? Nope, sir. I switched to watching crap on Doordarshan. Moo and I still sing ‘Sabka pyara, Nandu apna’. I still remember shows like Miss India, Kadambari, Aankhein, Kunti, etc. They were legendary to say the least! Hehehe.

You should see my mom when she watches tv. She usually hates the heroine for being miss goody two shoes. She used to get so agitated while watching Balika Vadhu at Anandi. She calls her super stupid and ‘ekdum thandi’(cold). Specially the first adult Anandi. It looked like she was sleep walking and talking.

The whole reason that my mom and I get mad at serials are the very regressive portrayals of women and society. We did not have cable tv till my 6th standard I think. But there were some amazing shows on Doordarshan Metros and cable tv alike that showed women to be strong willed and independent. Hasratein was an example where a woman goes after an affair and breaks her marriage. Saans showed a woman gathering her life again and tying up all the loose ends after her husband has an affair. She never took him back, rather lived quite independently. Tara had the protagonist going for the kill and so did Shanti and Swabhimaan. The women knew what they were doing and they did it with full conviction. Moral policing be damned!

Then came the era of Tulsi Virani and Parvati. Oh god! How annoying were they! ‘Self-sacrifice for the betterment of happiness’ was shown to be a virtue and a way to win the husband back from the 2nd or 3rd vamp. If a woman cannot be a mother, it is pretty much the end of the world. The 2nd bahu of the house who is ambitious and career oriented is the one who breaks the house till the badi bahu weeps buckets of salt water and teaches her how parivar is what matters and not career.

That crap is still going on with rubbish like Uttaran, Pavitra Rishta, etc. I hate Pavitra Rishta! It is the worst show ever! The women are shown to be such sacrificial lambs who willfully sit on the stone and beg to be killed. No spunk at all! Such weaklings. Uttaran is way worse because the stupid heroine LOVES to hide things from her husband and decided to take all the pains of the world on herself. How stupid is that! I don’t understand why is sacrifice shown to be so important! Why does a woman have to keep family happiness on top, to be genuinely happy? Why would you want to be part of a family that will be happy only if you squash what you want to do? They are sowing superstitious things like walking on hot coal to the temple 108 times, or doing a headstand overnight praying to god, will lead to a baby being conceived. Oh God! Is this 1938 or 2014? Akshara from Yeh rishta was willing to sacrifice her life because she wanted to risk giving birth to her second baby. Stupid woman seemed to have forgotten about her existing 5 year old. Diya aur bati hum is a step in the right direction showing the woman studying for and becoming an IPS officer with the support of he halwai husband, who goes against the family too and convinces them in the end about a woman’s dreams. If only, they don’t show her family interfering in her work and her having that confused expression ALL THE TIME, it would be pretty good. The xBF’s sister and mother had told me that they are liking that show, around 2 years back. I am very interested in knowing if they are still watching it and what are their thoughts on the woman being more career oriented than her husband. Hmmm…

It sucks to see such sad portrayal of characters on a medium that such a huge chunk of population watches. I know it’s just the tv but it still makes my blood boil! My mom cannot watch shows quietly! She will scream so many instructions/threats/abuses. They really really need to work on better scripts that have atleast 20% of reality. They should stop glorifying marriage, jeevansathi and motherhood for God’s sake. A woman can be a beautiful person inside out, but may not want kids or may not have kids. There is nothing wrong with it. There is no need to show the world breaking apart after a miscarriage or a medically necessary or even consensual abortion.. There is no need to show every single protagonist willing to sacrifice her life for a child. She might as well adopt another baby and help nurture a life. There is nothing wrong with a girl who wants to study and wants to focus on a career. This does not make her a mean person!

Sigghhh…. I have so many suggestions to raise the quality of daily soaps. But who listens to me?

4

FIFA fever!

Who do you support??

I am very bad at choosing sides because then I feel bad for the other time. I also feel terrible for the losing team.
Last year I was torn between Spain’s Casillas(hottie!) and the Dutch for being a fab team. Sadly it was such an anti-climax. And I stayed up late for THAT! I was visiting India at that time.

I am rooting for Netherlands, cuz du-uh, and Germany, cuz I was a fan of Kahn and now Muller. I dont care much for Ronaldo but I like Messi.

Like they say, your year goes depending on Jan 1st, I have a funny feeling about it. The first goal was a self goal and that has set the ball rolling, into their own nets. Haha!

Go FIFA! Ole!

15

Eye-lash, sigh-lash

 I think I am losing my eye lashes.

I am using this supremely annoying mascara right now, by Benefit. It is not waterproof, but damn hard to remove. I have to use olive oil to wipe it off, but in the process, I am seeing like 3-4 lashes daily on my cotton pad.

I am not even sure if I can make a wish out of mascara-olive-oil-torn-lashes. I should perhaps stop using it.

I have a paranoia about losing my eye lashes. Not that they are super pretty or something. They are just there. Eyelashes. Existing. 😀

But it would be so weird if all of them fall out. Sometimes I scratch my eye and 3-4 lashes come off. It makes me so sad to see nice grown lashes fall off.

I love rubbing my eyes irrespective of them being itchy or not. It feels unimaginably good! But it is so scary that I have to remind myself to stop for I fear that all my eyelashes will fall off. I remember the xBF would rub his eyes really hard for like 10 min. It would look so harsh like he was scrubbing a harshly burnt pan or something. I would get terrified and scream at him to stop. But he just wouldn’t listen and would continue with his eye rubbing. Finally, I had to pry his hands away from his eyes. Each and every time!

I love how some girls have the perfect curled eyelashes. It is do-able with a curler, only if it did not look like a medieval torture device. The worst is, most boys I know have such long, lush, dark lashes. I mean, what is the point! They don’t even need it. I would gladly exchange.

Sighhh. I cant believe I wrote so many sentences on eyelashes. I feel stupid now. It proves how bored I am today. Just ignore this post.

14

No bay area anymore

Yeah, the trip is cancelled. Abhi has to work on Saturday. Poor thing.
At least there is sunshine outside and I have shopped a li’l too much this past week to keep me happy and buoyant for quite some time. 😀
Retail therapy works!! At least till the time you go and check the bank balance.

22

The ‘Fancy Dress’ faux pas

This incident needs to be documented for posterity’s sake.

I was in class 4th. That time I was living in Ahmedabad and I had just joined school a few months back. I was having trouble making friends due to the language barrier and I was already in a sad state of mind due to my terrible bullying experience in another school in A’bad , where I finished class 3rd. But somehow, here it was easier to talk to people because I had a couple of non-gujaratis in my class.

I was always interested in extra-curricular activities. After a couple of months of joining school, our teacher announced the annual fancy dress competition to be held in about two weeks and I was immediately interested. I went home and told my parents about it and they were equally excited. We zeroed on making me dress up as Rani Lakshmibai, since she was someone I knew enough about, courtesy my dad’s nightly stories and already developing habit of voracious reading. By voracious, I do mean voracious, because my mom had to hide my Tinkle subscriptions around exams time and I would look for it like a bloodhound.

Anyhoo, I digress. So, we started preparing for my role as the great Indian freedom fighter. My dad wrote down some lines in hindi for me to learn, something along the lines of ‘Main apni Jhansi nahi doongi, nahi doongi, nahi doongi!’(I will not give away my Jhansi, ever!) My mom got a very pretty white and purple saree roll-pressed and sized up a blouse and was getting it ready for me to wear as a 9 yard saree. I used to practice my dialogues daily brandishing a comb as the sword.

Meanwhile, our teacher at school also used to take a rehearsal of the students representing class 4 B in the competition. Every day I would recite those lines as a teeny tiny soda glasses wali Rani Lakshmibai threatening the British/classmates with a pencil. My teacher was happy with the way I was doing.

On the eve of the competition, my parents got my saree, jewelry, chandrabindi ready. They went out to buy me a gajra for my bun and a sword from balloon wala. They had to spend around 3 hours looking for a golden sword fit for a queen. Every balloon wala had a silver sword. I had to have a golden one. Finally they found one and came home. I was supremely happy and was so ready to rock the stage.

The next day, I got up early thoroughly excited. My mom made me wear the 9 yard saree, did my hair, put the pretty gajra. She put some compact on my face, the Chandra bindi typical of Mahrashtrians, fake nath, and lastly my soda glasses. Ah well. I went downstairs in full navvaari(9 yard) glory to wait for my school van with my bag and a little plastic bag of uniform to change into later.

My school van arrived and I sat inside. The 2-3 boys in the van who used to board before me were major bullies. They had made my time hell and made sure to torment me daily about any damn thing. They were surprised to see me dressed and asked me why. I told them I was participating in the Fancy Dress competition. They sniggered and told me that there was no competition and kept making fun of me. I got a little teary eyed but kept quiet. As we were reaching school, the other kids boarded and looked at me like I was an alien or something. As we reached, one girl asked me again what was I dressed for, and I repeated the same answer. I went to the assembly area and stood in the line for my class. We had to go inside the school building class by class monitored by high school captains, and that was our daily rule.

To my horror, I did not see anyone dressed up! Every single kid was in their uniform! Finally a friend told me that the competition was not that day, but 3 days later! I had totally messed up the dates. I had a very bad habit of leaving things to my memory and not writing instructions down in the school diary. URRGGHHHHH! The horror! I can’t remember now, if I had written the wrong date down or written nothing at all! But it was so embarrassing to say the least.

This part takes the cake. As we were let in inside the building, I was the ONLY kid not in a uniform. As I passed one captain while going up the stairs in the line, he looked at me all bewildered and said ‘ Happy Birthday!’ He thought I was in birthday dress! OMG! Worst. Thing. Ever! I just went to class and started crying till my teacher came and understood the situation. She calmed me down and took me to the girls’ restroom. Thank God that I had my change of uniform with me, otherwise I would have been so miserable and embarrassed.

After I reached home, I told my parents what happened, and my parents had the laugh of their lives after consoling the crying me. Till now, my mom tells how they roamed so much for the golden sword and what I did later. She has that taunt ready whenever I act cocky about the power of my memory and when I claim I can do no wrong. Aaaaah, the shame!

I did not participate in the competition that was held 3 days later.

29

The birds and the bees

This is sort of a post, you might not be okay with, I don’t know! I mean, it is totally normal, but ‘reader’s discretion is advised’. I giggled while writing that. Coming from a girl who snorts every time she sees Dick’s sporting goods.

*—————————————–*

I have not received the talk from my parents. Although I remember, after I got my first cycle, my mom told my dad that ‘PB badhi ho gayi’( PB has matured). The statement was cringe-worthy and I started crying! My dad was visiting from Pune where he had just moved for a new job, and we were supposed to move after my school ended the session.

I have figured everything out mostly on my own. Since I got my cycles only in 8th grade, I had been through a great number of ‘Growing up’ sessions in school. Our class teacher in 7th was also our Moral Science teacher and we went through a chapter about love and making babies. In 8th, 9th and 10th and in great detail in 12th, my teachers did not ignore the topic, but took it well and explained everything out to us. My school in 7th and 8th was a girl’s school and my teacher encouraged us to ask us questions. At first we were hesitant, and then slowly hands started raising up. She spoke to us so well and debunked all the childish myths we had. She dealt with it so well, considering the delicate threshold of teenage that we were on. The best session we had was in 12th. It was the junior college with both guys and girls and we were on the chapter of reproduction for Bio II. Since it was advanced Biology, we were learning the micro details including cells, tissues and hormonal reactions. I will never forget how our zoology teacher took the session. I will take a leaf or two out of her book whenever I have kids. The confidence she showed about considering us as young adults who might be on the paths towards an active intimate life, was astounding. She was simply amazing! That was pretty much the age when people start dating. She took complete consideration of the fact that some young minds were not into it, while some must have started thinking about it. I think she changed my idea about seeing s*x as something ‘ewwwww’ or ‘against the culture’ to something that is completely one’s own discretion to be respected. Because of her, I neither consider virginity as a virtue, nor see s*x as something that everyone MUST have as soon as they hit adulthood. It is totally up to the individual. They want to abstain till marriage, fine, they want to get physically intimate, that is fine too. It should be about comfort. I shall not lie that I dont get a li’l stunned when girls my age tell me that they have an active s*x life, but that moment now lasts for just a few minutes. Those moments don’t even exist when it comes to the s*xcapades of my gora friends! 😉 But I do think I have a healthy and mature attitude towards s*x and I don’t get embarrassed about it. It is what it is.

On the other side, after my 12th, I realized how important biology lessons are! Some of my friends have no idea about their own bodies! It shouldn’t be an embarrassment to learn about your own anatomies. It is your own body after all, and it should be taken care of, loved and cherished.

My parents and I have had a somewhat healthy relationship. I have not actively told them about my boyfriends except the xBF, but they seemed to always know. About the BF number 2, they saw some of my texts and sat me down to talk about it. I lied through my teeth. But my parents never told me to break it off or anything, but they just told me how they felt he isn’t the person I deserve. My dad believes in letting me fall so that next time I step more carefully. He wants me to have my own experiences. Although he does look out for me to cushion my falls as much as he can.

There have been so many times my father has bought sanitary napkins for me and my mom. I used to cringe earlier when my mom would tell my dad to go and buy the packs for us. She told me that it is as normal as bathing, wearing a bra, or going to the loo. Yet, when I am home and give a list of stuff to my father to get from the pharmacy, I always tell him to not look at it and give it in the chemist’s hand, directly! And he ALWAYS opens it promptly and proceeds to read it aloud in front of me to embarrass me further. Uggghh!

But now, although I don’t normally openly announce if I am down, but can I tell my friends why I cant go to the gym or why I am looking very sickly. There is no point and no reason to hide it.

I can get away with saying ridiculous things to my mom. We openly discuss dogs’ s*x lives. She describes to me in great detail about how the new female forced Chintu(our semi-adopted 13 year old doggie) to get up from his slumber, and how he tried for a min with a limping leg, gave up and plopped back on the ground and went on to snooze while the female tried to wake him up again. She had once told me how my dog Moony was helped by my dad to reach the height of a taller female. All dad’s tries were in vain though and my dog seems to be perfectly happy with his third base and refuses to go for a home run.

I can still have normal conversation with my mom. But I know for a fact that when the time comes to tell her that I am preggers, it is going to be the most embarrassing moment of my life, next to when I will be seeing her for the first time after getting married. That will be the real deal.

PS : My parents CAN be totally WEIRD. There is a newspaper we used to get for free with our TOI. Pune Mirror. It has a column called ‘Ask the S*xpert’. The questions asked in it are absolutely hilarious and beyoooonnnddd stupid! After a few days, I noticed that the page was starting to be cut out. Like, legit, cut out. Only the section containing that column!?! My parents thought I wouldn’t notice? Haaaah!

PPS : My first google chat ever to the xBF, then just a friend who I had met a few times at Abhi’s place, involved a case of confused identity and I had accidentally revealed to him that I was down. 😀