Being an emotional fungi 101

Hola! I have had enough experience in my life on how to be dark and depressing and so I am introducing this course to you all on how to be an emotional wrench all the time. Why fungi? Because it is my course and I can pick whatever I like. And mushrooms and fungi look sort of sad for some reason to me. Like hanging faces.

-Place reminders of the ex around : Breakups are one of the biggest reasons a person can get dark and gloomy. If you want to continue feeling that way, you should put tiny pieces of memories all around you. Take their old, worn-in t-shirt and put it on a pillow and keep it in a hugsy position. This trick is usually for having your partner around when he is not physically present. But it works very effectively when you have broken up as well. Every time you see that t-shirt, or hug it, you will feel super gloomy, and your heart will cry. Even if it says ‘Everything will be okay’, we know we won’t let that happen. Keep things like their last tube of face wash, that pebble from the beach, the mason jar bottle, old shirts, even tags from the gifts they got you, somewhere your eyes can see and well up immediately.

-Keep your weekends either very busy or totally free : We don’t do averages. We do extremes. If you are out and doing stuff on Friday night, Saturday all day, and Sunday all day, you will get extremely tired and you will cry because Monday will be a ‘Khooni Monday’(‘bloody Monday’). Also, if you are home on Friday night, and on Saturday and Sunday, with the only exciting thing being laundry, then you will feel alone and nostalgic and totally like a loser, and you will cry.

-Keep light in the room dim : When it is nice and bright and sunny outside, it makes us happy and cheerful. But that is good only for the daytime when we are taking a break to finish chores and from being sentimental. So as soon as it gets dusky outside, do not get up from the bed to turn the light on. Remain there watching something stupid on Netflix till it gets really dark and you can see your fingers, courtesy the laptop screen reflection. It works instantly to make you feel all alone and depressed and miss your mommy.

-Keep a lot of stuff on your bed if you have any traces of OCD : Sometimes when we lie down to retire for the night, we need everything perfect. But when we stretch and hit something with our toes, it can flip a switch in our heads to throw that thing away and scream in anger and frustration. So the moral of the story is, keep that extra folded blanket that just takes up more space and doesn’t serve any purpose in the summer, right on the corner of your bed. Also, make yourself so habituated to a tiny toy that you can sleep only while clutching it in your hands and if you wake up at 3.17 am and can’t find it, you flip out and look for it, and sleep again only after finding it. It helps if that tiny giraffe was from the ex. When the frustration builds up, the tears will flow.

-Listen to a song on repeat : It can be anything from Galliyaan, to Yeh Swades hai mera or Say something, I’m giving up on you to Boulevard of broken dreams. You will find one word or line that will make you intensely emotional. Songs are powerful. When emotions are running high, any song will make you feel it was written ONLY for you. Use that to your advantage. Choo Choo! Hop aboard the crying train!

-Fuel up your car : I have an intense struggle with myself every time I put gas/petrol in my car. Paying that abysmal amount makes me cry tears of blood. So go ahead, go for a full tank, and let the waterworks loose.

-Check your bank account balance : If this does not make you cry, my friend, I bow down to thee.

-Burn your dinner : The easiest way to feel extremely homesick and turn into a soggy tissue paper. I have already written a blog post on that experience.

So go ahead, and take this course. No exams. Just free grades. F is the best grade here.