Hello, 15 year old me

Dear 15 year old PB,

Hullo there! How are you doing? I hope this letter finds you in the pink of health. Just like how you open the letter in every letter-writing assignment/exam. Yup, I remember. I remember how horrible your Marathi was when you just started school in Pune. Thanks to mum, you learnt so much! Good job! Don’t be embarrassed when people wonder why your Marathi is so bad even if it is your mother tongue. They should be equally embarrassed about their Hindi, living in India. So gah to them.

PB, I know you are going through really hard times. Your 10th is on. People are piling on great stress on your small skinny shoulders. But don’t worry. You will pull through. Eventually you will learn how grades are not the biggest deal in the world. But you will also learn that in competitive exams, grades will pull you ahead and make things easier for you. It is true that nobody will ask your marks later on. But it is also true that during landmarks, those very marks will take away a lot of stress from your head. So buck up, and pay attention to mum when she is teaching you Trigonometry. You are going to love it, I promise, and she is going to do a great job building up your math capabilities. I wish you keep listening to her and studying with her, cuz, ah well, you will eventually realize how important she was to your studies and building the basics and how you should have stuck with her rather than being stubborn. Thank your mom. And your dad(even if he starts yawning at the mere mention of taking English lessons). It is courtesy them, that you have a career with such hi-fi  technical terms in the name.

PB, I also know why your fragile mind is so nervous. There are things inside. Things that only you know how you are going through. I want you to talk to mum and dad about it sooner rather than a nervous breakdown happening. Talk to them about how you are facing extreme bullying. Tell them that you are being insulted in every step of the way. Speak and discuss about how you can face this with strength of character and come out unscathed. Also, direct your anger positively. It is coming out on the wrong people. Your meekness in the outside world doesn’t have to make you yell at your loved ones.

 PB, the people you are with, they are not going to shape your life. Heck, they won’t even exist a few years down the line. You don’t have to put up with this struggle to please people just so that you can sit with someone to have your lunch. It will not matter eventually. All your childhood, you have gone through this struggle to make people accept you. You have been like that monkey who does tricks on orders. Don’t be. You get laughed at because you say weird things, look weird, behave weirdly. It’s OK. There will be people who accept this very weirdness of yours eventually. It is worth waiting for them rather than being what you are not.

 Don’t be ashamed of your soda glasses. At least you have a smile that reaches your eyes. You know your eyes cannot hide the truth. Likes or dislikes are a major giveaway with your eyes. Be happy that you can’t fake it. Unlike those people you call friends who look at you coldly with a smile on their lips. This inability to fake what you feel, will help you weed out people who can’t stand how you are. You will not understand it now, but give it some time.

 Having a boyfriend is NOT a big deal in school. You don’t need to have one to be cool. You will have enough boy trouble down the line. You will have tons of dates, boyfriends, crushes, guy friends falling for your quirks, ruined friendships thanks to them. Don’t feel embarrassed when classmates link each other up. Enjoy it to the hilt. Even if the other guys feel insulted on being linked to you, learn to ignore. Trust me, there is a ton of drama in store for you. They can make a movie out of you later on. Start thinking who you want to play you.(Pssst… Deepika Padukone, that cutie from the close-up ad is going to be really hot eventually). Enjoy your crushes. God knows you have way too many. Your future BFF will count 14 at a given time in 3rd year of BE. 😀 But please for God’s sake, stay away from that loser you will meet when you will be 18. RUN far away!

 On that point, that guy who is supposedly your friend? He said something like when you see PB from behind, she’s so HOT, But when you see her face, she’s a nightmare. Please ignore it! You are quite alright, girl! Keep wearing your skirts for those legs you love to flaunt. What your mausi(aunt) had called ‘Barbie legs’. 🙂

Some fashion advice. Don’t wear those purple pants with the side slits till mid calves. Please. 

 Your family is going to compare you and your perfect 4.0 cousin a lot. Please do not take it to heart. Your life is perfectly alright with a 3.0 but a gift of gab that you have. Keep dancing, keep singing, keep painting, and keep up your love of books and trivia. It is okay if you are a jack of all trades and master of none. Let others have that pleasure. You will learn to love your average-ness. Someone will post a lovely video on your blog about it  and it will make you even happier!

Your Moony is going to be the love of your life. He is 2 now, right? He is going to chew up your shoes for the 8th time if you don’t watch out! Enjoy the time with him. In a couple of years, you will leave home for hostel and eventually abroad, and you will miss your baby boy constantly. That bundle of energy is going to turn into a lump of sleep later on. So continue bugging him. 😉 Take care of his legs. They are genetically fragile. Stop feeding him nonsense. But I guess its fine. He is a happy creature and he loves you too much. Even if he keeps biting you and gets mad at you with jealousy for going out with the alpha-dog(that is your father. Ahem.) You will doubt his memory and love, but you will be amazed when he remembers you after a loooooong gap and comes jumping at you even if his legs can’t support him. Just hug him. Keep hugging him. Always.

 Now don’t listen to me too much. I barely still know anything.

 Take care, you.

 Love,

 27 year ‘OLD’ PB.

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30 thoughts on “Hello, 15 year old me

  1. I do this often in my head, you know. Sometimes, I go and look at my LinkedIn only to reassure myself because I had so many issues growing up and have been able to put only a few behind. Plus, unlike you, there is no progress worthy of consolation on the boy part and that has hence been given up. Your sense of self is pretty damn nice. Did you have to consciously work on it given the bullying you were subjected to?

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    • The bullying. I think I am still learning to deal with it. I thought doing some things will give me closure, but no. It’s a struggle and I relapse many times. But got to pull through. Now humor and sarcasm are my best friends.
      I agree that all childhood issues are never left behind. It’s very hard. It has made me very short tempered and I flip out at people close to me. Maybe I feel powerful only in front them and need to show that power? I don’t know. And I also do the LinkedIn thing. 😊
      The boy front, whats the point ya! I am back to square one! Shee. I think I should go back to college to get one now.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I absolutely love this post! I get so jealous when people can remember so much in detail from their past, because I totally suck at it 😦 Believe me when I say I don’t remember anything at all. Is it because I’m a live the moment kinda guy? I don’t know. I just hate it when I have no memories except of very big events. I also cannot remember dates at all 😦 I’ve had misunderstandings with friends because I forgot their birthdays. I can even watch movies and read books multiple times and feel like I’m watching or reading them for the first time :p

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  3. Oh PB! I remember feeling very bad reading about your childhood bullying trauma on an old post. And even now I feel bad. My god, school can be tough. And we feel so vulnerable at that age – even really supportive parents dont seem approachable sometimes. 😦
    But yay – you have come a long way since then, havent you?

    Btw my mom took care of our (we are three sisters very close in age) studies till 10th and she was quiet strict, if we got distracted, we got the scary looks! haha!

    You lil baby Moony sounds so adorable – brought back memories of my sweet Kingu. 🙂

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    • You are so sweet Kavs. This helps me. This encouragement, this feeling of being loved. It’s like therapy. I am such an insecure person that I need that all the time. School was too hard for me. So when people say that they want to be back to those days, I just shake my head vigorously with a big NO!
      The time I want to go back is to my 3rd n 4th year of engg when I finally found my footing.
      I wish I had stuck to mom’s tutoring and not become too la-di-dah. 😀
      Your kingu?? Pics please!

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  4. Hey 15 year old butter,

    You will also meet the most amazingest girl ever when you turn 19-ish. That girl will be kind enough to extend a hand of friendship to you. Be very very nice to her. She is God’s gift to you. Treat her like you would a treasure of gold.

    Love,
    The gift.

    Like

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