The illusion called ‘Tomorrow’

Tomorrow never comes. What we have is today. I have lost a lot thanks to procrastination, fears, anxiety and my dependency on tomorrow. I always felt that tomorrow will bring a better answer than if I ask the question today. Tomorrow was my hope. Tomorrow was my everything. My fear is of rejection, of failure, of bad news, of disappointing news. My fears have ruled my heart and have prevented me from seeing the life, that I see with closed, sleepy eyes every night. And many afternoons. My dreams have the hope that my real life has given up on. You know that old candle that has a lot of wax but the wick has burnt out to its end? I sympathize with that poor candle.

I have done a lot of un-doable things. I have been on many adventures. I have been good, and I have been naughty. And I have been happy , I have been moody, I have been angry. But, I have been very afraid. I don’t go to doctors. I am convinced about bad news. I would rather not hear it. I lack courage. People think I am very confident and have gumption. I don’t deny it. But behind that personality, is a very scared girl who feels she has been thrown in the eye of a storm. One wrong move and she will land up God-knows-where.


The xBF at MIT, Boston, from one of our trips. With the hypothetical/real floating question mark.

But what I don’t want anymore are ‘what-if’s. For me or for my loved ones. I don’t want that shroud of regret on our actions in the future. I don’t want that giant question mark looming on our heads day in and day out, taking over our lives. I am a giant worrier and over-thinker. It is bad enough being confused but I don’t want to make it worse. Ironically, today the usually inactive him posted the following on FB. These are the smartest words spoke on Breaking Bad.

It has been a rough day today. I am hormonal and my back is killing me. My last night dream was about seeing the xBF’s family and stalking them and eventually getting engaged to him. For the umpteenth time. Mid-morning, my co-worker who is also my friend, caught me on my desk with tears streaming down my face, while chatting with Moo online. Moo’s predicament and the hurt she is feeling, translated literally to me when I burnt my hand with hot boiling water. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.


The magic of Rahman

I am such a nut, that I totally forgot to blog about this very exciting experience of my life! Around 2-3 weeks back, I had the chance to go for the Intimates Concert by A. R. Rahman. Ah, what a treat that was! The music, the singing, the visual effects, it was just so stunning. It was my first concert ever, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Throughout, I was recording snippets and sending it on Whatsapp to Moo and rest of the friends and parents. They pretty much heard him live that ways.

Abhi, Nish and me had gotten the tickets around 3 months back and good that we did, because they were sold out within the week! The event was at Nokia theater in LA, which has just been re-named to Microsoft. Abhi works at Nokia/Microsoft for the phone division and has been strictly instructed to get us VIP seats next time. When we entered, we realized we were going to find a LOT of desis from San Diego State. But it was alright.

Somehow, in the whole deal, as usual I got wrangled in this weird situation. Prasad, a colleague, was going to be there with his wife, 2 kids and some friends. This guy CK that I hung out with some old friends had told me that he had really wanted to go but the tickets were sold off. Turned out, Prasad had to go to Kansas at the last moment with our bosses for a meeting. So I volunteered and got his ticket sold off to CK. Although I had told CK that the seats were pre-decided, he was kinda taken aback after he paid me and when I told him that he will have to sit with strangers, AND drive himself since Abhi and Nish were picking me up. *Awkward*. This was 2 days before the concert. On the day, Prasad emailed me if CK was still going, if not, he wanted it back because everyone had gotten their flights pre-poned. Now, I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I called CK and asked him if he was still going. Somehow, now that I was not going to hang out with him there, he seemed to be giving the ticket back quite eagerly. 😉 If you know what I mean. Phew. I am holding Prasad on gunpoint and have informed him that he owes me a lunch, because thanks to his son dancing in the aisle, they got spotted by the tour manager and GOT UPGRADED TO THE VIP SECTION!! He got to take pictures and shake Rahman’s hands!!! So jealous!

It was supposed to start at 8 pm, but it started at around 8.20, not too bad considering the Indian standard time followed elsewhere. The moment Rahman came on the stage, it was huge! Everyone was on their feet super excited, and screaming and clapping! But that was nothing compared to when the songs began. They played songs from Dil Se, Roza, Saathiya, Jab Tak Hai Jaan, Taal etc with a  mix of Tamil and Hindi. I don’t know a drop of Tamil but nothing stopped us from singing and dancing in our seats like crazy. They sang a lot of songs from their latest hit OK Kanmani and I had no idea that Southern Cali has so many Tamil people. I had conveniently assumed it to be a Gujju state. 😉

The nicest feature, next to Rahman singing of course, was this female dancer who was coming in for some songs and dancing  with a mix of contemporary and Kathak style. Visually it was incredibly stunning and I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. She was so graceful, compared to the ‘baby-goat-trying-to-stand-up’ kind of my limb movements. There was a piece where Rahman tried out creating music with this Wii like instrument. That was sheer magic! At the end he admitted that they are musicians and get excited with such gadgets. 😀

The evening ended with Maa Tujhe Salaam for the credits and Jai Ho, of course. What I missed was THE Swades song. That would have been mind-blowing and would have for sure reduced me to a bawling pool of tears.

For more, go to my Instagram page.


10 reasons why it’s hard to be a woman 

It’s a hard job belonging to the female species. 

Excuse me for this rant, but someone’s gotta say it. Don’t forget to read this with a pinch of salt. And a lemon wedge. With tequila.

1. Periods. Hi! Did I just make you all very uncomfortable?? 😉 Just the word is enough to curdle blood of any man, and send a gush of wild hormones in a woman’s vein. It hurts like a B*tch, feels disgusting, and leaves you so uncomfortable that you cannot sit, sleep or even sneeze in peace. Everything hurts. Including the sound of anyone breathing. Also, don’t ever tell a woman that the whole reason for the pain is to create life and miracle and all that jazz when she is PMS-ing. Just don’t.

2. Hair Removal. It is very easy for guys to say that they can’t stand girls who have hair on their arms or legs. In the same breath, they will say that oooh, they don’t know how women can rip off their hair and they will never do it. To rebel, I don’t wax my arms. And I am proud of my peach fuzz. Deal with it. There is nothing unhygienic about it. I go without touching my legs for months sometimes and I am brave enough to go to the gym in shorts.

3. Nails. We were at the bar the other day and 2 friends mentioned how they feel that if a girl’s nails are done, then it’s like a given thing that the girl is neat, clean and takes care of herself. So basically, to prove someone of my hygiene commitment, I am expected to blow up $40-$60 for a mani-pedi every week. Hmmmmmm.

4. Hair. Haircuts are the most stressful things. THE MOST EVER! People say it will grow out, it’s just hair. But the damn bird’s nest takes months to look presentable if gone wrong. Washing hair is a huge task and some poor ladies have to do it every day (make that 90% of non-desi girls I know). I hate the whole business of wetting, shampooing, then rinsing, then conditioning, then rinsing again and waiting forever for my hair to dry. Shorter hairstyles haven’t helped either, because if dried wrong, it looks horrible. I don’t want to get into the whole ironing/curling/blowdrying process. I don’t understand how women get up half an hour earlier to do their hair. Respect.

5. Shopping. This applies to only indecisive women like me. I will go to a store, browse just with my eyes, without touching anything, will get depressed about not finding anything, will leave, will come back after 15 minutes, browse again, will find something which is more expensive than my grocery budget of the month, will curse the economy of the country and walk out. Then I will go home and regret not buying the same thing for about 6 months to a lifetime. If I have some event, the first thing to pop in my head are outfit options. I will style everything in my head perfectly before realizing that not only I don’t have 60% of items but neither the tall lean stature to carry it off. Sigghh.

6. Fat accumulation. I cannot stand the belly bulge when I am sitting down. B**bies are the worst offenders in this case. Br*s can be f-ing annoying and more so if new weight is gained. Cannot even burn the damn br*s because then any body movement will be agony. Sheesh. We women have been blessed to deposit fat directly on our torso for some goddamn reason. It is very, very easy to accumulate it, but so hard to get rid of it. This is injustice. This brings me too…

7. Food. For the general public, ‘A moment on the lip, forever on the hips.’ For most women, ‘On belly, upper arms, bust, butt, upper legs.’ To all ladies who like their drinks, yes, beer belly is a reality.

8. Shoes. When Eve bit into the apple, God punished her by condemning her to eternal sin, and by creating high heeled shoes. When they say beauty comes at a price, they really mean it. I love the look of high heeled shoes, but my feet decided to be flat and have awkward joints with tapering toes(bunion) and that effectively put an end to my high heeled ambitions. Also, never ask a girl to walk home if she is in her heels, unless you want a kick with the same stilettoes.

9. Childbirth. First of all, who decided to give women certain child bearing years, while leaving men with practically their life time to work the family jewels? Why the hell are eggs finite? That’s just so unfair. Even worse is, why did it have to be so F-ing painful and agonizing and even more hormone-y than menstruation? Plus, I definitely have a problem with the glorification of motherhood in movies, TV, or society in general. Some woman either cannot have kids or don’t want to have kids, or some may even want kids but just adopt. IT’S FINE.

10. Judgement. Patriarchy. Prejudice. Inequality. Inferiority. Enough said.

Now you can shoot that tequila down.