The illusion called ‘Tomorrow’

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Tomorrow never comes. What we have is today. I have lost a lot thanks to procrastination, fears, anxiety and my dependency on tomorrow. I always felt that tomorrow will bring a better answer than if I ask the question today. Tomorrow was my hope. Tomorrow was my everything. My fear is of rejection, of failure, of bad news, of disappointing news. My fears have ruled my heart and have prevented me from seeing the life, that I see with closed, sleepy eyes every night. And many afternoons. My dreams have the hope that my real life has given up on. You know that old candle that has a lot of wax but the wick has burnt out to its end? I sympathize with that poor candle.

I have done a lot of un-doable things. I have been on many adventures. I have been good, and I have been naughty. And I have been happy , I have been moody, I have been angry. But, I have been very afraid. I don’t go to doctors. I am convinced about bad news. I would rather not hear it. I lack courage. People think I am very confident and have gumption. I don’t deny it. But behind that personality, is a very scared girl who feels she has been thrown in the eye of a storm. One wrong move and she will land up God-knows-where.

 

The xBF at MIT, Boston, from one of our trips. With the hypothetical/real floating question mark.

 
But what I don’t want anymore are ‘what-if’s. For me or for my loved ones. I don’t want that shroud of regret on our actions in the future. I don’t want that giant question mark looming on our heads day in and day out, taking over our lives. I am a giant worrier and over-thinker. It is bad enough being confused but I don’t want to make it worse. Ironically, today the usually inactive him posted the following on FB. These are the smartest words spoke on Breaking Bad.

  
It has been a rough day today. I am hormonal and my back is killing me. My last night dream was about seeing the xBF’s family and stalking them and eventually getting engaged to him. For the umpteenth time. Mid-morning, my co-worker who is also my friend, caught me on my desk with tears streaming down my face, while chatting with Moo online. Moo’s predicament and the hurt she is feeling, translated literally to me when I burnt my hand with hot boiling water. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

49 thoughts on “The illusion called ‘Tomorrow’”

  2. It’s the fear of result from the actions which holds us back. Once you get prepared to accept the worst of the things, there’s no stopping. We cling on to too many materialistic things and worry about the impact on them from our daily actions. Most of them are not even worth a second of our thoughts. – Lesson learned from last year trip.

    Not sure what to say about you still holding on to the past. Stalking him on Facebook- you creepy girl! :). Good luck and who’s moo? (Very new here)

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    • Truer words have never been said. We just have to seize the day and be done with it.
      Well, we are still friends in FB. Hehe. I am not denying that I do stalk nevertheless. ☺️
      Moo is my best friend. You can see her comments here and there and go to her awesome blog.

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      • Ah, I know its hard and it took me over an year to stop stalking even after we’re no longer (online or any form) friends. There’s just too much information and the worst enemy for healing/moving on. The first step is tough but it had to be done. – A happy me.

        As you said, you decide if it’s today or tomorrow. Out of sight, out of mind is true and works wonderfully over the course.

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  3. Agreed, fear is our biggest enemy. Do you need to go visit the dr anytime soon?
    Stalking ?? That only makes it even more difficult to move ahead in life. This is a phase and this too shall pass. Stay strong PB.

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  4. Hey pb, hugs to you! I can so relate to procrastinating and postponing tough decisions in the hope that it will somehow get easier to do it later! Also, its not easy to deal with all the uncertainties in life.. But hopefully things will work out eventually.. N I can also relate to the dreams about the ex.. Though I don’t know much about your relationship, I had a hard time getting over one of my exes and I used to dream of similar stuff.. Basically, stuff that I subconsciously craved for and I would be very emotional after those dreams.. But I think I have finally gotten over him after almost a decade.. N when I dreamt about him a few weeks ago (different from the earlier dreams), my reaction was like yeah whatever! So there’s hope.. Just take care of yourself and keep chugging along..

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    • Thanks Kinmin. How are things with you?
      I can still remember the process of my thoughts when I was dealing with that maybe he will leave. Should I ask? No. Better not approach the topic. What if he says he is booking tickets. And then one fine day he did.
      A decade? Man, I am done. 😁

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      • Well things have been a bit crazy for me, mostly good crazy though! I really need to write an update post! Well for me I tend to broach the crazy life questions, because not asking them makes me even more anxious. But I avoid making any decisions, because I just hate having to do that! As for the decade, finally what I realized was that there was nothing really from his side. Most of the things in my head were a construct of my imagination, and more than anything, he represented an escape from my current life. I believe that that’s what finally helped me get over him (I hope that I’m over him). Though reading the comments discussion, your situation seems quite different..

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        • Same. Ditto. There will be a giant white elephant trumpeting in the room and I will still be casual and nonchalant. Regarding decisions, I am horrible. I will over-think and stress myself out and sometimes for no reason at all. I can make ‘rai ka pahaad’ easily.
          Hmmm. I think your coming to realization about what you two were, helped you. I hope you are over him yaa. But in my case, the only realization I have to achieve is bas, ho Gaya. Sigh. Soon, soon.

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  5. I could have written this post. I swear. Every word of it. I have lived my life being scared. Not of all aspects though. Just one. I fear my loved ones dying. It is this fear that does not let me live my life. It controls me. I was too ‘scared’ to live away from my family so I moved to be closer. If I wasn’t this scared, my life choices may have been different.

    Now though I live with them, I get too scared to even travel. When I am traveling too, I need to make sure I have a local sim card so that I can be contacted on phone in an emergency. I always fear the worst..I know I sound ridiculous. I just wish I could live freely.

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    • I remember from your previous posts. You get severe anxiety, right? I can understand that because that is the sort of reason why he moved back and why his parents were calling him back. Specially after his kaka passed away suddenly, his mom was insisting that we decide and would cry. So there was nothing to decide. It was one way to keep both our families and well, apparently us happy.
      That’s the reason I can’t hate him or keep a grudge. He did not do anything wrong. I am proud of him.

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  6. I am the exact same way about health issues. I have constant anxiety about finding out that I have a very serious ailment. I spend sleepless nights from days before my routine blood test is due. I fear the worst if my family doesn’t answer my call the very first time I try it.

    That dialogue in Breaking Bad is spot on. I need to be more mindful and make a conscious effort to get over my negative thinking loop.

    I hope you’re feeling better now?

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    • I am a lil better yes. I think I was just too hormonal. 😊
      I am almost a hypochondriac. I worry constantly and won’t act on it to go see a dr. Just weird.
      Loved that breaking bad quote ya. Must do something about this procrastinating habit.

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  7. I can only say that i understand.. I have been scared too and no matter how good and encouraging it sounds to face it all….its just too difficult.. I hope you figure this out hon.. Hugs..

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  8. Oh man. My misery seems to be contagious. Fear really is such a killer. But you know, getting over that fear and doing something can be quite exhilarating. I learnt this after a roller coaster ride at 6 flags. But getting over that fear? Mission Impossible.

    That question mark is just so profound. :(. It’s sad when there are sooo many unanswered questions in our head. I wish google has a “question engine, yahan milega har sawaal ka jawaab”. They may not necessarily be pleasant answers. They could be anything. But the not knowing gives so much heartache. Ugh.

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    • Exactly what I have been telling you. Not knowing leads to more questions every minute. That’s why this burden needs to go from your head and dropped on someone else’s shoulders. And you are so not contagious. I love you Moo. 😘

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  9. I can’t, and I shouldn’t, give you advice. But at least, don’t be so hard on yourself. Whatever be the situation, because everyone else has left the party, we end up blaming ourselves- often without any fault of ours… So, relax and be happy for what you have accomplished, which is quite as far as I know ( and take care of your hair 💓)

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  11. Hi PB, I think most of us are in the same boat. So you are not alone. But recently have started to take the leap on certain things and it feels good.

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  13. 9. Coolness

    Social media is dorky. No matter how long you take to sit around and think of a witty but seemingly effortless caption, the fact that you did that in itself is dorky enough. We all look ridiculous online. There’s really no way around it, and as much as you try to mimic the tone or style of others to adhere to whatever new “cool” standards there are, it’s all a load of crap anyway.

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  14. Oh PB! We all have fears, some are better at hiding those. But we can choose to be a little brave each day, right? I am a “bhitri bhagubai” myself but s l o w l y learning. 🙂 I don’t know how your thing ended with xBF – but from what I know from your posts, you are doing great. Keep at it and you would have moved on soon. Lots of love.

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  18. PB, i dont know if i have written this same thing on any of your posts earlier, but i go back to your posts so many times in my bouts of fear & mental instability & they have helped me a lot. Love you for existing & writing your posts! ❤

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