16

Intolerantly tolerant…

So every Tom, Dick and Harry is returning their awards to protest against the growing intolerance in the country. So many Sikhs on Facebook are posting a black flag calling it a dark Diwali thanks to violence in Punjab. The Golden Temple has not been lit up this year to mark the festival of lights. Shahrukh Khan said that India is intolerant.

I myself proposed that I wanted to return my 1997 Rajat Patra(silver medal certificate) in a national painting event, but courier services are hella costly! Is there a collection department or something? Like a drop box? I requested the pigeons, but they seemed eager to crap all over my certificate. 😦

Meanwhile, some blind supporters, well, not some, but gazillions of blind supporters are attacking each and everybody who claims India is tolerant. They are telling the intolerance claiming individuals to either die, or go back to Pakistan, or die. See? We are that tolerant! If we question our Prime Minister Sir, we are unpatriotic. If we question the insanely illogical murders over food eating habits, we are Hindu shamers. If we speak against the old school doctrines of religion, we are branded haters and could possibly have a Fatwa on our heads. If we dare to raise our voice against the anti-feminist rants of politicians, we are called PMS-ing, hormonal chicks who are too modern ‘for our own good’.

We are incredibly tolerant. When a movie questions idol worship and connections with God men, we only point fingers at Amir Khan’s anti-PK stance in real life because he went for Haj just before the release. When a movie song has words like ‘Ya ali’ and ‘bole mochi bhi khud ko sunar re’, we raise hell over it and burn down posters, and many times, buses. Our good ol’ mature Censor board has issued strictly that ‘Bombay’ cannot be used in movie dialogues or songs. Our this very tolerance helps us look at each other in suspicion if accessorized with a Cross in the neck, or a red dot on the forehead, or a topi on the head.

We want to go in ‘pure vegetarian’ restaurants on Tuesdays and wolf down mutton curry on weekends and yet scrunch up our wee noses when a ‘beef-eater’ passes by. We want our right to eat beef whenever we want to but we mutter in anger when a person says that they love bacon or pork chops. We will gorge over beef/pork whatever, but call a vegetarian or a vegan, a hippie indulging in namby-pamby nonsense, who doesn’t know what real food is.

We are so tolerant, that we tell our women to die instead of falling in love, or speaking up for herself, or even just taking birth. We are so tolerant that a boy will eat his feelings but never tell his family that he wants to pursue Fine Arts instead of Engineering. Our tolerance is at it’s peak when somebody thinks it’s better to end their life than live under the shackles of Section 377. We will only parade a Dalit woman n*ked around the village, all out of tolerance, for using the water out of a Yadav’s well or questioning an upper caste landlord. We shall also show our tolerant self when we tear down Shivaji Maharaj’s guru’ Samarth Ramdas’s statue and burn ancient Sanskrit books in very respected institutes because we don’t want to believe he could have had a Brahmin guru and it is a story concocted by Marathi Brahmins. We will tolerate Fatwas on one artist’s head for describing in their book consensual s*x between a Muslim couple and cluck our tongues sympathetically, while raising in arms in favor of another artist who is being protested against for painting nude Gods and Goddesses. 

When we move abroad, our tolerance levels are inflated, and lead to clenching our bags tightly when we see a black person walk past by us, right after quoting Gandhi to our non-Indian colleagues at the office Christmas party. We will laugh and make fun of ‘Chinks’ and their sticking to each other while we walk around Grad school like pack rats refusing any form of interactions with other ethnicity, hell, condemning even students outside of our state and language. We are so tolerant that we will call white girls in shorts and tank tops ‘easy’ and ‘maal’ in Hindi/Punjabi/Telugu/Marathi/Gujarati, knowing that we will totally get away with it. We shall be on Tinder, and call the Indian girl on Tinder a ‘Sl*t’. Why? Because which cultured Indian girl is on Tinder??

Yes. We are very tolerant. And branding us intolerant is a work of political dynasties, paid media, organized mafia, fake NGOs, chicken feeling left out of the hullabaloo, the movie poster waiting to be torn, and those goddamn aliens. Yes.

45

Taking the plunge!

It’s happening you guys! If you look my name up on Anuroop, you will find it. Well, not Princess Butter, but my real name. D-Uh. Not just Anuroop, but Bharat Matrimony and I suppose Shaadi.com too. I have given my go ahead to the Mother and Father and have told them that I am going to keep my search on too.

For the non-Indian audience, yes I am putting my name down for an Arranged Marriage scenario, and no, I will not be getting married without seeing them/meeting them, and also, I am NOT being forced into this. This is not very different than Online Dating where you match with someone, meet them, date them and maybe say yes for a long term relationship. It just is a bit faster leading towards marriage and you have a goal. There are pros and cons. Just like pros and cons in online dating, or meeting someone at the bar, or through friends. You get my drift, hopefully.

I told them about my dating scenario and Mom was a little scandalized but alright and said try and do your shenanigans on Matrimonial Apps rather than Tinder/Coffee meets Bagel or whatever. Haha! Also, she wants me to send her a picture in a ‘mod dress’ so the guy and his family will have an idea what they are dealing with.

When we were talking, Dad asked to give him a broad idea with respect to what I want. I went really broad and said, I want a male. He said, okay, I will keep that in mind. 😀 Then I said that you know my personality so make sure the guy matches that. At that point, my dad said in these exact words, “We have tried! But we have failed to understand you! God knows what you are now. YOU ARE AN ENIGMA!” We were all in fits of laughter for the next 10 minutes. Although the crux of the matter is that my parents have left it on me to filter out the guys and are not going to interfere. They are cool like that.

So, I looked up the Anuroop Sanstha website and the registration website and have a lot of doubts in my head about it.

1. Chashma/Spectacles seems like an important point. I think my soda glasses are going to buy me a couple of years. 😀

2. What the hell is my built from these options(translated into English from really funny Marathi words) : Slim, Medium, Like a stick, Plump, Delicate?? What the F#ck is delicate!

3. Am I fair or wheatish? Can I write MAC foundation shade NC37? Wait! I am NC35 in concealer. Will the 2 shade range make a difference? OMG!

4. For Groom’s expectation with regards to food habits, I prefer vegetarian(eggetarian), but will adjust with meat eating as long as it’s not cooked in front of me. But can I write that I am not going to kiss him right after he eats it?

5. Again for Groom’s expectations, I need to mention if I want someone who can cook or not. Can I say, I don’t care, but must know how to do dishes?

6. There is a question about how do I spend my spare time. Is “Sleeping, youtube, or youtubing while lying down” an acceptable answer?

7. I will have to rank my time between these options: Family, Relatives, Friends, Guru-Satsang, Others. If my past few weeks are anything to go by, 100% of my free time is going to Abhi-Nisha-Madhuri! And ‘Would you want your spouse to partake in these activities?’ Hell yeah! 😀

8. Do I play any games? I play baseball in a tiny city league with a bunch of drunk people and my team name is ‘Happy Hour’. Are mind-games during flirting/courting counted?

9. I am supposed to tell if I smoke, drink, club etc. and for the weirdest reason ‘hoteling’ is included in it. First of all, I hate the word. It’s stupid. And since when is eating out being clubbed with these ‘must-ask’ questions?

10. The form asks if our family values are traditional, modern, free-thinking or flexible. FLEXIBLE. I thought of something entirely else when I read it. It was awkward.

11. The best for the last. Options for the past: Serious relationship, relationships or just friendship. Why will anyone write down just friendship? I could put down 200 names and counting, for all my friends. Sheesh. 

My dad said he is already tired. My mom yelled at him and said that it’s been just ONE day. I said they are looking at atleast 2 more years of madness.

So, to end it, my mom has summarized me as “Liberal, broad minded, modern girl who values her friendships and relationships.”
I am such a catch on paper.

PS: Convinced the folks to not pay up for their annual registration till January. I don’t have time till December and don’t want to waste 2 months’ fee. Top-of-the-line cheapskate I am.