10 Valentine gifts for instant breakup…

It is coming! Apocalypse of Love is coming! This is the 3rd consecutive year where I am going to absolutely hate on the concept of Valentine’s day and curse the xBF to oblivion and utter some abusive words for the Crush, who’s name I am sure I won’t remember when I come back to read this post in a few years.

I had jotted down some interesting points on how to spread the joys of Single Awareness Day on Valentine’s day. If you want to read about that, go HERE. If you still insist on not being ‘aware’, go ahead and do your thing.

For people who are a part of a couple and want to be on the fast track to being single, I am going to make your job easier by listing down some of the top instant-breakup gifts that you can give a girl. Because I am a girl. Also dear future partner, let this be a guide to ‘what-not-to-gift-PB-like EVER’.

  1. Envelope with straight up cash : You are her lover and not her mother’s sister’s husband who got invited to the wedding. You must make a better distinction between the occasions. Since, we are on the point, checks, Visa gift cards are also off the table.
  2. Weird Und*rw*ar : My friend had gotten his GF this really weird thing with strategic keyholes, and yes, he told me because we are almost siblings and he was sharing how lost he felt in the store, which incidentally was called ‘Pink Kitty’. He never ended up giving it to her after seeing the face I made. Ha! Also, I don’t know who or why someone would like edible UGs. Nope.
  3. Deodorant : Perfumes are beautiful. Perfumes are sensual, playful, s*xy. But, please, do not give a girl Deo sprays. It is almost like telling her that she stinks.
  4. Cookbooks or cookware : Unless she really enjoys cooking or requests you specifically, giving a cookbook or cookware says that you want her to seriously work on her cooking.
  5. Bunch of yellow roses : A friend actually gave his wife a dozen yellow roses and she was horrified! His reason was that the yellow roses were cheaper by almost 2 bucks a pop. He is lucky that they were already married. For the uninitiated, if you want to or have been in a cuddle with someone, give them red roses! Yellow = Friendship.
  6. Showpieces/Figurines : I don’t know how to describe these, but these are the little pieces you get in greeting card stores like Hallmark or archies, that look like little angels or birds or dogs or cherubic babies. An ex used to give me a bunch of these and I hated them. What the hell am I supposed to do with these in a dorm room and no home to decorate?! Moo hates them too and her line of reasoning involves a dust-phobia. It is true! The amount of dust we have in India, makes keeping home spick n’ span really hard!
  7. Self-help book : Give her ‘How to be a nicer person’ and say bye-bye to love forever.
  8. Clothes or bags : Some people like to get clothes as gifts. But if your girl is like me and extremely picky, I would suggest to steer clear. Most men that I am friends with or have dated, have not had (good)similar taste in clothes as mine and it makes an awkward situation when I express the desire to exchange a la Rachel from Friends.
  9. Gym membership : Are you calling her FAT?!?!?!?!
  10. A small velvet box, with no ring inside : This is the worst gift I have ever seen if you are dating. I saw a vlog by a very famous youtube personality’s boyfriend who gifted her a small square box on their anniversary with a bow on top and recorded her reaction. They had decided no gifts, but he was trying to be sweet. She went all oooh and aaaah and emotional and opened the box only to see a tiny gold chain inside. Her next set of oohs and aahs was weirdly high pitched and absolutely fake.

So, keep this in mind and have a good Valentine’s day. Whatevs.

Valentines-Day-Jokes-06 (1)

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39 thoughts on “10 Valentine gifts for instant breakup…

  1. hahaha i agree with most of them. but wait, Id love it if my guy/now husband got me a gym mebership. they are expensive af and it would indicate that my health is important to him! Am partial to yellow roses from the start and edible underwear is the best when err..rightly used..hehe
    all this is wisdom attained in the budhapa so take it with a pinch of salt, young ‘un 🙂

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    • I wouldn’t mind the membership any other day. That also means that he is expected to keep showering me with gifts. Every other week will work. 😀
      Arre, pinch of salt? I am here eating spoonfuls. Quite literally since I am eating pretzels.

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  2. lol.. this post of yours made me laugh. I actually do not mind at the receiving end of most of the gifts mentioned here – except that I make it clear – no gifts, what so ever :). I guess, I am way past that expectations *sigh*. Besides, I am afraid of accumulating things.
    I would rather opt for visa card loaded, that gives me freedom to buy what i really need.

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    • I think that comes with maturity. Not with juvenile tendencies where you get so mad excited at gifts that flimsy wrapping papers don’t stand a chance. 🙂
      But for any other occasion, I will gladly prefer Visa card over anything else!

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  3. Haha loved the post pb, thanks for the laughs! I agree with most stuff except yellow roses, I find the whole equating color of roses to emotions a bit annoying.. and loved the cartoon in the end, lindt dark chocolates are my favorite too! 🙂 PS try dove dark chocolate with almonds (purple bag) – they are delicious and every wrapper has something written inside 🙂

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    • Ooh thanks for the tip!
      Honestly, I like pink roses way more! They are prettier. But I am so cheesy that on V day, I only want red roses if there are roses. Lol! Otherwise I will be happy with lillies, orchids, sunflowers, anything!

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  4. Haha 😀
    I don’t understand why on earth would guys give their girl a figurine!! Unless they are subtly trying to tell them to get a control on their figure 😂😂😂😂
    The bestie has a very very good choice when it comes to gifting things. Until it came to shopping for clothes. Even then,the overall selection of the colour,design and all was good,but OMG the size🙈🙈 I had to return him two Kurtis because they were way too huge for me and it was almost impossible to get them altered because of the placement of the embroidery. 😦
    So then he decided not to give me surprise gifts anymore. I will just have to say the word and send the concerned links and that will be my gift 😂😂😂😂😂

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  5. Valentines day or not figurines should stop making its way to the stores. Those things are nothing but dust collecting objects. There was a time when we used to give laminated photo frames with some philosophical writeup with two very cute white kids either kissing or giving a cheesy smile. How I hate those too! Why would anyone want to put some strange kid’s pic in their bedrooms or drawing rooms? 😂
    In fact my mom told that when she was expecting me one of her colleagues gave her a huge baby picture that used to come in Johnson and Johnson ad. And she actually put it in her bedroom until I was born. Lol.

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  6. ROFLMAO..on the first point itself…. I’ve laughed for 5 minutes straight, imagining someone giving an envelope with cash..with 1 Rs stuck on the top… :’D

    ok back to reading now!

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