10 Valentine gifts for instant breakup…

It is coming! Apocalypse of Love is coming! This is the 3^rd consecutive year where I am going to absolutely hate on the concept of Valentine’s day and curse the xBF to oblivion and utter some abusive words for the Crush, who’s name I am sure I won’t remember when I come back to read this post in a few years.

I had jotted down some interesting points on how to spread the joys of Single Awareness Day on Valentine’s day. If you want to read about that, go HERE. If you still insist on not being ‘aware’, go ahead and do your thing.

For people who are a part of a couple and want to be on the fast track to being single, I am going to make your job easier by listing down some of the top instant-breakup gifts that you can give a girl. Because I am a girl. Also dear future partner, let this be a guide to ‘what-not-to-gift-PB-like EVER’.

1. Envelope with straight up cash : You are her lover and not her mother’s sister’s husband who got invited to the wedding. You must make a better distinction between the occasions. Since, we are on the point, checks, Visa gift cards are also off the table.
2. Weird Und*rw*ar : My friend had gotten his GF this really weird thing with strategic keyholes, and yes, he told me because we are almost siblings and he was sharing how lost he felt in the store, which incidentally was called ‘Pink Kitty’. He never ended up giving it to her after seeing the face I made. Ha! Also, I don’t know who or why someone would like edible UGs. Nope.
3. Deodorant : Perfumes are beautiful. Perfumes are sensual, playful, s*xy. But, please, do not give a girl Deo sprays. It is almost like telling her that she stinks.
4. Cookbooks or cookware : Unless she really enjoys cooking or requests you specifically, giving a cookbook or cookware says that you want her to seriously work on her cooking.
5. Bunch of yellow roses : A friend actually gave his wife a dozen yellow roses and she was horrified! His reason was that the yellow roses were cheaper by almost 2 bucks a pop. He is lucky that they were already married. For the uninitiated, if you want to or have been in a cuddle with someone, give them red roses! Yellow = Friendship.
6. Showpieces/Figurines : I don’t know how to describe these, but these are the little pieces you get in greeting card stores like Hallmark or archies, that look like little angels or birds or dogs or cherubic babies. An ex used to give me a bunch of these and I hated them. What the hell am I supposed to do with these in a dorm room and no home to decorate?! Moo hates them too and her line of reasoning involves a dust-phobia. It is true! The amount of dust we have in India, makes keeping home spick n’ span really hard!
7. Self-help book : Give her ‘How to be a nicer person’ and say bye-bye to love forever.
8. Clothes or bags : Some people like to get clothes as gifts. But if your girl is like me and extremely picky, I would suggest to steer clear. Most men that I am friends with or have dated, have not had (good)similar taste in clothes as mine and it makes an awkward situation when I express the desire to exchange a la Rachel from Friends.
9. Gym membership : Are you calling her FAT?!?!?!?!
10. A small velvet box, with no ring inside : This is the worst gift I have ever seen if you are dating. I saw a vlog by a very famous youtube personality’s boyfriend who gifted her a small square box on their anniversary with a bow on top and recorded her reaction. They had decided no gifts, but he was trying to be sweet. She went all oooh and aaaah and emotional and opened the box only to see a tiny gold chain inside. Her next set of oohs and aahs was weirdly high pitched and absolutely fake.

So, keep this in mind and have a good Valentine’s day. Whatevs.