Real costumes for a real Halloween

How many of you have gone through the drills of panicking for a last minute costume on 30th October and deciding that you will be ready way in advance next year? Both of my arms are raised high up.  So far I have been Hermione, Katniss, Minnie Mouse over the years. After dressing up as a minion for the last 2 years, I have decided to mix it up a bit. That remains the plan as of now, but can change depending on the last minute mood and panic. Also I, ideally, do not want to be the most dressed person in a sea of s*xy koalas, rodents and felines.
In my bid to come up with innovative, scary, Halloween-worthy costume ideas, I drew up a list of some potentials for real-life horrors. What is scarier than real life, right? White-walkers have got nothing on seeing the depleting bank account. So. here are some ideas for realistic fearful costumes:

  1. Fund investment sheet: They say adulting is hard. But no part of it is harder than learning where to put your money so that you don’t starve eventually. If you want to spook everyone out, grab a giant sheet of paper and write 401K(Pension plan, if in India) and stick it to yourself, or hang it around your neck. It may also work well, because you will attract some Gujju who will leave you with the best investment advice.
  2. Tax document: After the first costume, how can the taxman stay far behind? You will not only spook yourself out, but also make the group quite nervous. After all, they obviously come after the most hard-working, earnest citizen(me!) right?
  3. Wedding priest: If you are my age, there are chances that you will be around plenty of single people being harassed by their well-meaning family members and friends to get married. If you know you are going to a party with those singles, give them the scare of their life by dressing up as a wedding priest. Just start chanting the words every time you are within an arm’s length from any 2 of them.
  4. Driving License photograph: The internet is full of DIYs on Instagram/Snapchat filter costumes. But we are talking about a spooky Halloween here. What is scarier than a passport or DL picture? The actual answer is my TOEFL id picture, but we will stick to this for now. Pretend that you finally got in front of the camera after 2 hours at the DMV, in the balmy 95 F heat, smelling like a mix of we*d and Walmart perfume, and there you have your shot.
  5. In the name of Starks: Everyone from that family is doomed. For anyone who is not a GOT follower, they are practically the most cursed family(but also the most badass). So you will have a dual nature-ed costume. Nobody would want to be you, but everyone would want to be you.
  6. Stressed Engineer: Welcome to a real life costume of about a majority of 30 year old Desi population. We are a stressed lot, working in stressed environments, to please a stressed boss, and stressing out our stressed minions. We don’t have time for costumes. We are going to get up from our chairs, and go to the bars directly to have a happy Halloween.
  7. FLOTUS: Have you seen her? She looks permanently spooked out! I don’t know whether to feel bad, pity her, or be happy for her. Many local parties have explicitly mentioned not to wear her hub’s costume in fear of igniting violence(against the costumee?). But she isnt any less scary. So, go be her!
If you do end up dressing up for this Halloween, let me know what you went as! I may or may not use that as an inspiration for the next year.

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