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8 products that need to be male-fied, like now!

In the same vein as my last post(female dorito chips and blah blah), I want to help out our male population too. I understand that they need products specially suitable for their gender as well. Men are too afraid to use certain products, even though they realllllyyyy want to, because of them being ‘oh so girly!’ Here are a few suggestions to the consumer manufacturing industry to get on with it.

  1. Soft toys: I know quite a few guys who are big on cuddles. Some admit and some don’t. And then there are some who hide their soft toys and bring them out only at night. C’mon, bring out those cuddly T-rexes. Then the boys will be able to flaunt their Teddysauruses happily.
  2. Hair conditioners: Men are vain, believe it or not. They actually are equally gossipy, emotional and insecure as women, but the way they express is different. I know they steal their girls’ conditioners and hair masks in the shower because well, who doesn’t love soft hair. I think a nice range of ‘manly’ smelling hair products will be a hit.
  3. Lip balms: Continuing from the point of vanity above, I had an experience where my financial advisor stopped in the middle of discussing my portfolio and had to apply his chapstick because his lips were killing him. Men do it, but also find it sheepish to apply it like lipsticks. How about some ‘manly’ shaped chapstick bullets, eh? If you know what I mean….
  4. Fleece socks and PJs: My friend tried to steal my puffy carpet slippers but failed because I have tiny feet and they wouldn’t fit him. He was also quite seriously enamored by my fleece socks. Now if only they were in more ‘manly’ colors like dirt, sewage and slurry, they would be flying off the shelves.
  5. Adult coloring book: I know you were eyeing my coloring book at my white Christmas party, Mike. But, apparently, butterflies were too ‘girly’ for you. Are there any rocket launchers, cars, and gym machines that need coloring?
  6. Cleaning tools: Maybe some hardcore looking gloves will get them to do the dishes, and some housework.
  7. Car turn signal indicators: Oh my gosh, someone needs to connect these to brains for instant telepathy. Thinking of switching lanes or turning? They start instantly! Whatta world that would be! Wait, is this from the other list? Obviously this is a universal issue, and not a gender specific problem!
  8. MALE DORITOS: How can we forget the main culprit here? Anyone who likes Doritos knows how crumbly they are. Would be nice if they came with a man-bib to protect those man-beards from weird orange crumbs. Sheesh.

Go figure.

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5

8 products that need to be female-fied, like now!

Have you heard about the new Doritos chips, specifically meant for ladies? If not, you must be living under a rock. Or have an actual life, with important things to do and massive respect to you. Me? I am just on my couch (it’s rather nice!), watching tv (a bit, fine!), and not eating the said chips (the flavor of the next three years is cheeto.) I am still thinking how in the world did Indra Nooyi say all this? So, to keep up with this brilliantly bullsh*t new wave of introducing products specifically for females, I have a few suggestions.

  1. Beer bottles: I personally find holding a drippy beer bottle tedious, with my pinky finger sticking out. If only they would make special pink beer bottles that I could hold with just my fingers(only 3, mind you), then chugging and burping would be a lot more pleasurable.
  2. Calculators: I use a Casio scientific calculator, day in and day out, for my work. But sometimes the screen is too grey for my mood and liking. I would like it to be bigger, so my eyes wont strain and get wrinkles.
  3. Headphones: Headphones or earbuds are a joke for my dainty ears. They either keep slipping or hurt my ears after a few minutes. And the worst part is them tugging at my earrings. I would want some robust earbuds that may pass through like, hoops, so they look pretty while being functional. I am talking about jewelry with audio, yo!
  4. Men’s jeans: No, I understand there are women’s jeans in the market. Hear me out. I want men’s jeans to have that ONE extra pocket to hold girls’ phones. Everyone knows about the lack of functional pockets in our outfits, and I am tired of men complaining about ‘no more space’. Phooey!
  5. Pull up bars: Those dumb pull up bars at the gym are way too high and are meant for stupid thick-skinned hands. I can’t afford my soft as baby’s bottom palms to get calluses and my upper arms to get flabs. A lower bar, with a nice pink foam layer would be appreciated.
  6. Key Rings: I need my grocery discount card, library card, gym card, one trinket and one purple foofie-ball attached to the car key. Umm, can I have a bigger key ring, please?
  7. Swiss army knives: Well, they are very handy and super useful in any situation. But they are missing two very essential items. One, a tiny razor, for smooth legs needed urgently for those cold nights out camping(ahem!) and a teeny bottle of eyelash glue.
  8. Car turn signal indicators: Oh my gosh, someone needs to connect these to brains for instant telepathy. Thinking of switching lanes or turning? They start instantly! Whatta world that would be!

Hulk angry!

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10 awesome Valentine gifts for your single gal pal.

So, you have a date for V-day? Good for you. I am going to sit here announcing how it is such a rubbish consumerist/capitalist day while inside I am boiling with anger and screaming ‘WHY, GOD, WHY?!’ But hey, congrats again!

Now, you definitely don’t want your single gal pal to feel sad and left out, and most definitely don’t want a third wheel. So, go ahead and make her feel better or this will happen.

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I have written some solidly helpful posts in the past to raise awareness for single people on Valentine’s day, or Singles Awareness Day as I prefer to call it. This is a dumb stupid day, with the exception of being Mad-DD’s wedding anniversary.

Leaving you guys with some helpful gift ideas to help that single gal pal(obviously, me) get through this dumb day.

  1. Subscription to a dating app: Your gal pal needs to get out and start dating, if she isn’t already. I force myself to go on all these dates just because I fear that I am going to miss out. Major FOMO, and YOLO! Get her a premium account on Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, Dil Mil, Aisle, etc. Maybe skip Tinder.
  2. New iPhone battery: For all those apps, you need a solid battery power. Without getting into the iPhone vs Samsung debate. let’s just get your gal pal(me!) a brand new battery for only $29. I forgive, but do not forget, dear Apple.
  3. Photoshoot: How about some nice display/profile pictures for her, eh? Get your DSLR out and shoot some nice candids for her so that she looks cooler and funnier and more vivacious than a drunk kitten.
  4. Uber/Lyft gift card: Sometimes, all she needs to get out and have a good time, is the option of not driving at all! Let her drink, but not drive.
  5. Urban Decay Naked palette: Just because it is my current obsession right now, but I cannot justify spending $54 on it. I feel nicely blended eyeshadow on my droopy hooded lids, will solve all my life issues. I will take a Sephora gift card, thank you very much. SP has fulfilled the clinique gel liner obsession already.
  6. Zip my dress: Look at the product for God’s sakes! The biggest disadvantage of being single is a mad struggle to zip your dress up. Let your gal pal have a moment of peace from crazy body contortions and get her one of these. A back lotion applicator wont hurt too, while you are at it.
  7. Mani-Pedi gift card: The nail bar lady says how will i find boyfriend if my nails dont have design on them. Maybe that will get us singles, doubled.
  8. Lip mask: Confidence is key for your gal pal, and she needs to be ready for all situations, as learned from The Bachelor where Mr. Pillowlips is a kissin’ bandit. Get her one of those Laneige sleeping lip mask or something, and let her become Miss Pillowlips. Never thought these words will flow out of me.
  9. Belgian chocolates from Costco: when nothing works, let your friend dissolve into divine sugar rush. The Belgian chocs are DIVINE! PB-certified. But just one box, okay? We don’t want that photoshoot look like it was done 5 years ago.
  10. Bottle of Pinot Noir or straight up Tequila: Just ignore all above and let her chill with Netflix, and some good red, or Margarita, or plain ol’ shots.

I accept cash/check/PayPal/Venmo and all courier packages.

9

Dreamers…

As an Indian Master’s STEM degree holder, looking at atleast 15-20 years wait to get a Green Card, away from family and with real tiny chances of migrating them here, I am finding it difficult to comprehend DACA Dreamers’s pathway to citizenship. To people who don’t know, H1B visa holders(like me) pay all taxes exactly like citizens, including Social Security taxes, without being eligible for those benefits. And I will continue being on that visa till my Green Card is approved. I am ready to put down a real investment here, but the lack of permanency holds me back. Most other visa holders feel the same, so the economy is actually losing out on some solid investments as well.

I do understand their plight and I am supportive towards visa grants. They have worked extremely hard and it’s unreal to see good, honest people being forced to leave to support an underlying racist current. I don’t want their families torn, and I want them to realize their American dream.  But so do we.

Please educate me if I am wrong. I am ready to learn.

PS: Left leaning liberal here, btw. I am a millennial, we are all about the labels. 😉 (Cool Trevor Noah reference.)

23

Will be nice to not watch our backs.

I was in a somewhat upsetting situation last weekend where I was feeling creeped out by this Canadian Anuroop guy that I had rejected 2 years back. He had emailed me a few times after that, but I made it clear that I was not interested, and any which ways, he was in Canada. He texted me a couple weeks ago on Whatsapp to find out if my location preference still held true, and I confirmed it in one sentence. Then he texted me after a couple of days commenting on my picture. So, of course, I blocked him on Whatsapp. After that he texted me on normal text. That’s when I lost it. I called my parents and told them what is going on and to report him to Anuroop, in case he contacts me again.

While my parents and I were talking, I started talking on the issue of how guys just end up being creeps one way or the other, where maybe they don’t even realize that they are doing that. It made me so upset that I could not stop my tears. How easy for them it is, to just EXIST like a NORMAL PERSON living their life.

Men dont have to constantly watch their backs to have some women leering at them. They dont have to look around to see if they can adjust their straps without it looking like a come-hither-invite. How many of you have seen women simply go ahead and expose themselves to you, for shitzngiggles? Or scratched their supposedly-private areas while keeping their eye on you? How hard is it for a single man to walk past a group of women? Why is this shitty behavior this prominent?

The thought of their gender and partaking in activities, saying something, doing something has no connection. Whereas, women have the fact that they are women, constantly in their mind, while walking, talking, or just living.

C’mon people, we can do better than this. At some point all men, specially Indian men, need to realize there is a reason that women are complaining. Statistically, Indian men have an unfavorable opinion with respect to dating and relationship, and we better work on that.

Buck up, guys. The world is watching.

8

Perils of honesty

I have been a yelper since a couple of years now. My yelp reviews started because I was tired of lack of information on vegetarian items. After browsing through restaurant menus when I looked up for pictures or reviews of meatless stuff, I would usually draw a blank. That led me to spend a lot of money on underwhelming stuff and I decided to be Yelp-woman! Say it like Superwoman to get the effect that I am trying to go for.

I would happily rate a place 4 star if I liked it, or even 5 star if I loved it. In my books, 3 star is for an okay place and a 2 star is not good. I don’t really go for 1 star. I would write honestly, and sincerely, and even mentioned positive points in a not-so-positive review. Fair enough, right?

But no! My big mouth and big smartphone got me in trouble last week. I had to open my big mouth while out for lunch, and my boss figured I am on yelp. He decided to follow me since he likes eating out, and likes many places that I do too. Coincidentally, a couple of days back, I gave a BAD review to a Mexican restaurant near our office. I did mention that I really liked their burrito, but it was literally the only good thing. The day my boss followed me on Yelp, my manager and some coworkers went for lunch to the same place. They got back and my manager(adorable older guy) comes into my office(yep, I have an office!) and tells me that the server girl asked for me! She legit asked for me and said she wanted to talk and discuss the bad review! I was shaken up, to be honest. I have been contacted on Yelp by business owners, but not like this.

The big boss then starts laughing and says that he did see that I did not review them well. Then he asked me, if I knew how bad it was for business. In the next 5 minutes, he sowed guilt deep into my heart by telling how he knew the family who runs the place, since his family home was in the same area, and how nice they are, and that he has seen businesses being shut down, and how he only gives 5 star to help people out or 1 star if it is really bad, or never under the average stars. He went on to say that taste is subjective. Well, I agree with that, but that is the reason why there is AVERAGE in the first place! And I am reviewing what I ate per my vegetarian taste buds and what my friends said about what they got!

But anyways, the seed of guilt was in. So I told my manager that I was going to stop by after work to talk to them. My manager got super concerned that I was upset because he knows I am sensitive and basically a nice person(if I may say so!) He asked me to text him back by 5 so he knows I am safe. Ha! But when I went, the girl who had asked for me was gone. I did not go back there for my Friday lunch, because I am scared out of my wits, and in-the-food spits! My fellow Yelper and friend also shares the same fears and suggests definitely not going back. Although, my manager said they were very nice, and the girl sincerely wanted to ask what was wrong. This story has spread in our tiny office, and the Shopfloor Manager tells me everytime they go to the place for lunch and I sense sarcasm. Admittedly, this area is very secluded and not too many options.

So what is the takeaway from this?
  1. It sucks to be honest as also explained here: Honesty is not always the best policy
  2. My office location is quite secluded and very few eateries around, and I must go out every Friday atleast. I should have thought this through.
  3. I also updated the review to mention that it is a good thing that they wanted to discuss, etc. and bumped up 2 stars. This guilt is less than the previous guilt.
  4. It is stressful being me.
4

Shine on, you crazy diamond!

That starburst is real,
You have a glow inside of you,
That rapture of light,

This confidence is brand new.

You are learning to shine,
Accepting your power,
You can be carbon steel,

Or delicate like flowers.

I am telling you, yes, you!
Wonderwoman of this age,
It’s all within your reach,

Just turn the damn page.

I know you will persist,
Inspite of what they say,
The fears will come and go,

But strong willed you will stay.

Keep doing what you are,
you are the chosen one,
Nothing can dim you now,
Shine on, you crazy diamond!

 

 

***Title borrowed from one of my fav Pink Floyd songs…
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Low key troll(me!)

I have a kaadi-dimaag per my mom. To my non-Indian friends, this is a very colloquial way to put that I have a mischievous side to me that likes to stir up trouble. I thought of a few harmless ways you can derive a little laughter from the mundane things in life. Some of these have been used by me or someone I knew. I still gets tears of laughter everytime I remember his innocent troll.

  1. Order a pizza and when prompted for a name, say ‘Friend’. I swear I laughed till I cried at this.
  2. At a coffee shop, order a Tall drink and give your name as not-so-tall.
  3. Tell someone walking their dog that their cat is very cute and well-trained.
  4. Ask your co-worker why was his passenger tire missing.
  5. Ask a Rajput dissing Padmavati if he has actually seen the movie.
  6. Mention current GDP in a casual conversation with your Modi-bhakt cousin.
  7. Forward a meme about Whatsapp forwards to your entire contact list.
  8. Hide a Table Tennis/Ping pong plastic ball in a roomie’s carton of eggs.
  9. Claim that your friend is planning a golf outing the morning of his wedding, in front of the bride.
  10. Act like you sneezed while passing a round of drinks.

Leave some ideas in the comments below! Till then, happy trolling!

PS: Any side-effects or injuries arising, are your own doings and I don’t owe a dot of responsibility. *shrugs*