8

Just breathe(And then freak the F out)

I have a very important cautionary note for people who meet me, and are close to me. It’s not easy being me. I am not an easy person to deal with, and heck, I cant handle myself most of the time. I pity the poor  who still have stuck around me to discover how I am the most adorable creature ever. Right, Moo?

I have realized something over the past few months after starting at this job with the new head of the company. He can be a tad impatient with the R&D process. That more or less results in stressful situations that shouldn’t even be that way. Me being me, I panic easily. What I have learnt about myself is that my body reacts to stressful situations by numbing down. I feel insanely sleepy as soon as my b^tt’s on fire and it gets comically difficult for me to even keep my eyes open! I struggle to stifle yawns while he is talking to me and it’s even worse trying to prevent that sunscreen-moisturizer-ey perspiration thing happening. It’s a mad struggle and I have to rush to caffeinate myself. But then, I get cracking on my task, and then it just flows.

This mode of panic has resulted in some ridiculous incidents in the past. I am pretty sure, the mad bouts of stress induced laughter before exam times are etched in S’s mind. We knew we are going to drop dead post exam, so might as well, err, ‘live love LAUGH’! I have jumped off and back into another compartment of a moving local train in a bout of panic attack to ensure that my friend got on safely. And I jumped off and back into my original one with another friend! Why? PANIC! I have cried my eyeballs out, laughed, done both at the same times, tripped over my two feet bouncing around the room, fallen into a puddle running at full speed, fallen into a pool of dog throw-up, and so many oddball things for no reason except panic.

I had a pretty bad hormone induced panicky situation, over the last weekend when I started my periods a couple days early which may have wrecked havoc on my hormones. For 2 days, I was a sobbing, crying mess of tears and even I couldn’t figure out why. I tried to go to the mall to improve my situation and had a meltdown at the Bath and Body Works store. I was texting Moo the whole time with fat tears rolling down my cheeks and she was being a cheeky little thing laughing at me. I was going through the worst things in my mind, and I was having full blown panic attacks with me struggling to breathe. I was being extremely needy and irrationally upset. Thankfully the anxiety died down after my day 1 got done, and some food getting into my system with some TLC and a heartwarming bowl of dal(lentils) and rice.

I came across an old FB memory where Ani said that I could just give her a missed call if I still had butterflies about actually making a phone call! Yep! I don’t know why, but trying to call people up puts me in a weird panic mode. So does my entire hold list at the library becoming available with just 21 days to finish EVERYTHING. And meeting brand new people without any dogs to latch onto. And telling the server that they gave me water with ice, when I asked for water without ice. And trying to coordinate with 5 people about meeting somewhere when 2 of them are the classic flakes. And the list goes on…

So what do I do to handle it? I just cry till I fall into a stupor.

I kid, I kid.

So simple! I put on a nice, bright smile while my insides scream at the highest decibel unheard by human ears and go on with my day! A very powerfully uplifting thing that is, a smile. 🙂

 

49

The illusion called ‘Tomorrow’

Tomorrow never comes. What we have is today. I have lost a lot thanks to procrastination, fears, anxiety and my dependency on tomorrow. I always felt that tomorrow will bring a better answer than if I ask the question today. Tomorrow was my hope. Tomorrow was my everything. My fear is of rejection, of failure, of bad news, of disappointing news. My fears have ruled my heart and have prevented me from seeing the life, that I see with closed, sleepy eyes every night. And many afternoons. My dreams have the hope that my real life has given up on. You know that old candle that has a lot of wax but the wick has burnt out to its end? I sympathize with that poor candle.

I have done a lot of un-doable things. I have been on many adventures. I have been good, and I have been naughty. And I have been happy , I have been moody, I have been angry. But, I have been very afraid. I don’t go to doctors. I am convinced about bad news. I would rather not hear it. I lack courage. People think I am very confident and have gumption. I don’t deny it. But behind that personality, is a very scared girl who feels she has been thrown in the eye of a storm. One wrong move and she will land up God-knows-where.

 

The xBF at MIT, Boston, from one of our trips. With the hypothetical/real floating question mark.

 
But what I don’t want anymore are ‘what-if’s. For me or for my loved ones. I don’t want that shroud of regret on our actions in the future. I don’t want that giant question mark looming on our heads day in and day out, taking over our lives. I am a giant worrier and over-thinker. It is bad enough being confused but I don’t want to make it worse. Ironically, today the usually inactive him posted the following on FB. These are the smartest words spoke on Breaking Bad.

  
It has been a rough day today. I am hormonal and my back is killing me. My last night dream was about seeing the xBF’s family and stalking them and eventually getting engaged to him. For the umpteenth time. Mid-morning, my co-worker who is also my friend, caught me on my desk with tears streaming down my face, while chatting with Moo online. Moo’s predicament and the hurt she is feeling, translated literally to me when I burnt my hand with hot boiling water. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.