Wedding Tales: A few words…

Hello from a very married Princess Butter! December 2019 was a blast with us getting married in India with our friends and family and then honeymooning. I will post snippets about it and our life here and there. As you all know, we were already engaged, but to keep up with Mr. PB’s parents’ wishes for a customary ring exchange, we had a faux engagement with wedding bands. I wrote a lil toast/speech that I surprised my parents and Mr. PB with. To preserve that memory, here it goes:

They say that special memories are etched deep in our minds. Some can explore them, and some remain untouched till something triggers them out. I have been blessed with a brain that has a good holding capacity for relatively pointless things. But that storage has many small things tucked away in safe corners. Those small things, peek out every once in a while when I am in a reminiscent mood and make me giggle. Some rushes of those memories involve pretty yellow frocks bought on mummy’s paydays. Some have papa cooking up a storm in the kitchen, specifically toop-mith-bhaat, which is plain but hearty rice with salt and ghee. Some involve both of them pretending to be Santa putting cash in my stocking, because I asked for something at the last moment. Some are memories with more embarrassing results, like the one where they searched for a ‘golden’ sword all over the city, for my Rani Lakshmibai fancy dress outfit, only to have me tell them the wrong date, and subsequently make a fool out of myself.
My childhood has been lush, happy and full of mischief. There were books everywhere because my parents inculcated the love of written words into me.

How can I forget the day, when our favorite member entered our lives! Right away, we turned into the sort of people who go “don’t call him a dog! His name is Moony!” He stole our bread toast, my baby blanket, papa’s socks, our bed pillows, and our hearts. His love and his happy vibe got us through the gloomiest of times. His big blueberry eyes gave us hope to be the people who he thought we were. He gave a life long lesson to us about compassion. Mummy and Papa have been and became semi-parents to many roadies around, case in point, Bhoobhdi, Chintu, Kaalu, Champi and I am a volunteer with a rescue foundation and hope to open our hearts and homes in the future to more furry paws. But, Moony is around us, and will live forever, hopping around happily by the rainbow bridge. Until we see him again….

There were bouts of loneliness, which didn’t matter because our tiny family unit remained strong. There was bad kind of mischief, a little travelling down the strayed paths, and some incidents that I am not proud of. Some were dealt with strictness as they deserved, but most were dealt with a caring ear and emotions that mattered, and that made me feel understood.

My parents grew up as parents with me, while I grew up into a moody teenager, and a stubborn woman. I stretched my wings, took off from the nest, and they let me be. We had our ups and downs as every parent and child does, but not once, they made me feel that I was alone. We were upset together, we were patient together, we were hopeful together, and we rejoiced together.

And then came that age, where they thought I should have a life partner. After a few hits and misses, Mr. PB came into my life. Like the ray of sunshine, that he is, he lit up my world. The most beautiful part was, that my parents could tell that something was up. When I finally broke the news to them, I still get the giggles when I remember how my dad went from room to room clapping his hands and screaming “I knew it!” They were elated, and pretty much fell in love with him, right, when I showed them his picture. I mean, have you seen this guy?! He met my folks, took their permission and decided that this crazy girl needed a ring on her finger. I got my fairy tale moment, with my prince charming.

I want to take this moment, to hopefully, give him his… I want to create an incredible memory for you, with this little poem, Goob.

That first date
When you dropped me home,
I somehow had a feeling,
I was done being alone.

Those many cocktails,
Spread out over time,
Didn’t hold a candle to your charm,
And you looking so fine.

Words spoken and touched,
Your eloquent feelings for me,
Opened up my soul,
To just feeling so free.

When the moods came over,
And I got the glooms,
Your rushing over to care,
Made my heart just bloom.

The deal was sealed,
The long wait bore it’s fruit,
We fell deep in love,
As our raw emotions took root.

Our love takes us back,
To the warm-fuzzy teenage days,
Yet there is a sense of forever,
Deep in it’s crazy ways.

The many happy surprises,
that you sprinkle about,
Your love warms my heart,
Without a single doubt.

I may frown,
I may cry,
Yet you bring that smile out,
You never cease to try.

As we look forward with hope,
Into our future so vast,
Let passion and friendship rule,
With all the love in our hearts.

I promise to love you,
Beyond our twilight years,
To cherish your support
Through insecurities and fears.

As I call you my husband,
And I’ll be your wife,
But best friends we hope to be,
For the entirety of our lives.

I love you, and I cant wait to put a ring on it!

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New things

My days feel different,
There is a newness in the air,
Not just about my friends,
I have more stories to share.

The more I want to tell,
The more I want to hide,
Keep it under wraps,
Or show off with pride.

Goin’ about town together,
Meeting new friends,
Exploring each other’s lives,
And the promise of new lands.

We can be stupid together,
Take a break from all that wise,
Evenings full of laughter,
Stolen kisses and all things nice.

‘Hello, I am PB’
That’s all I used to say,
Hoping for a change of story,
And some more new things today.

How not to be THAT girl on Tinder…

I have spoken plenty on how guys should behave on Tinder/Coffee Meets Bagel/Bumble or whatever profile you are on. But for the sake of equality, I should jot down the way us girls should also behave. It is unfair to demand only men be a certain way while being totally disrespectful and/or obnoxious. There is no reason we should get away with it.

I am guilty of a fair few things here and I am trying to work on it. I will not talk about what results have come my way yet. Because, nope. But still, in the hopes of being an overall better person, I would like to implement all of these, and would love it if my gal pals could too as well. So here it goes…

1. First and foremost, keep an open mind, for God’s sakes! 1-2 dates aren’t enough to judge a person usually, unless it’s gone way south already.
2. Please respect time. “Don’t ask me why I am late if I am wearing a winged eyeliner” is not acceptable. Please!
3. Don’t ridicule a guy’s English without any context about his background. In the same vein, if you are not comfortable and feel a language barrier creeping up, its okay! It happens.
4. Do not talk about your ex unless it comes up, and keep it light and breezy. You are talking to a potential partner and not to an agony aunt.
5. This is a point of debate, but I always offer to split. I do consider it gentlemanly if the guy picks up the tab a couple of times at least in the beginning, but I can be my own sugar mama too.
6. Do not lecture someone on vegetarianism or veganism, or even meat eating. Start the lecture after a few dates. 😉
7. Reminder to myself: Displaying shock and anger and arguing over why everyone MUST read Harry Potter is not gonna get you anywhere. Look surprised, take a deep breath, mention subtly how it is the best series ever, and move on to his other interests.
8. Ladies, keep the phone away, please. Okay, a picture for your yelp is okay(once you explain your elite status, woohoo!) but dont start Instagrammin’.
9. Please don’t be mean and condescending about his interests, family, friends, job, background. It’s not nice anyways, and anywhere.
10. In the same vein, don’t be mean about other people. Not on a date, and not even otherwise. It’s just not nice. Occasional lapses are of course allowed, with the BFF.

So go ahead, take that chance…. You never know….

 

Dating Tales : Boy 6 : Date 1

Wanted: Very well educated, very high up in the medical field, cultured, extremely sexist, Obamacare opposer, self absorbed douche, humblebrag, homophobic Indian man.

Enter my last date.

It was awful you guys, just awful. To let you know the degree of the awfulness, I SKIPPED THE OFFER OF FREE ICECREAM AND BOLTED!

Without going into too many details, I will again list down some pointers on what NOT to do on a date, inspired by the douchebag:

Do not suggest a place, and then go back on it 5 times, forcing the girl to put her foot down on the pre-decided place.

• If she says, she is okay not drinking and prefers to not have alcohol on weekdays, do not respond with “C’mon, dont be so old!”
• Do not keep bitching about the parking situation. She f*ing walked a mile after parking her car, whereas, you drove around for 10 minutes, and parked right in front of the cafe. Also, while walking her to her car, dont be snarky about her parking far away. It is f*ing Little Italy! No easy parking!
• Do not keep talking only about yourself, and do realize EVERYONE is working hard and has a respectable job.
• Do not go ‘but that’s easy’ when she tells you about her friends being physical therapists, or orthodontists, etc. We get it that you had lots more to do, but dont be such a loser.
• Do not say something stupid about same-s*x relationships and then follow it with ‘Not that I have a problem’ with a sarcastic laugh. You aren’t Seinfeld.
• Do not ask more than 5 questions to the server about the menu. Do not ask him to explain the ENTIRE menu. Do not go over EVERY drink, specially when her food has arrived and has been waiting for 5 minutes getting cold.
• Do not give a speech on Obamacare for 20 minutes, and do pay attention when her eyes glaze over.
• Do not say these words: Ah well, I shouldnt say this, usually girls are Hillary supporters *Sarcastic laugh*
• Just dont be an a**h#le, okay?

ANNNDDDD, if she hasnt responded to you in the last 2 weeks, DO NOT call her at 2.58 am on the weekend. NOPE.

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Dating Tales : Boy 4 : Date 1

A lot of people have been asking me to chronicle more dates or setups that are going on in my life. I feel extremely sad to disappoint you all, and myself, that there aren’t a lot of those things going on even now. At this juncture, the past is out of the window, but it takes all the effort to not be a 3 year old who says ‘eww’ and blushes when someone mentions a boy.

I have spoken to a few people, and met 3 so far. The first was depressing, with his hypothetical question and declaration that he may move back at any point to India and he doesn’t mind living in a one bedroom apartment with his parents. I was too stunned the whole time to react and he took that as me being high. Yes, he asked me that. And I was not, I promise.

The second one went alright, but the dude got back with his girlfriend, with both of us clear after the first date itself that we were better friends than as a couple.

The third, was a bit of a basketcase when it came to communication and definitely needs a mention here.

So, I came across this guy and let’s call him Mr. Y. He was from a town close to my city back in India but he went to college in my city before moving to US for his grad school and work. He is an IT guy and he definitely was the kind who studied all his life, and aspires to work for the Silicon Valley bigwigs. He told me within a few moments of the date that he is getting interview calls already from Facebook and Google. I did not feel like telling him that they call literally every techie in California, with a lot of my friends actually succeeding the interview rounds. Anyhow, here goes the timeline of our exchanges.

Saturday was when we started texting each other and it was a short exchange of 3-4 texts where he confirmed to call on the next Tuesday at 7.30 pm. It sounded more like a corporate meeting scheduling than a getting to know each other conversation.

Tuesday, he texted at 7.30 pm to check my availability to answer the damn call. I called him back right away and we spoke for 20 min, where there were really long pauses and I could hear a very slow and sad background music that could exist in that part of my biopic if ever made. Towards the end of that call, we agreed to text on Friday to confirm a spot to meet on Saturday for a date.

Friday evening arrived, with clockwork precision, Mr. Y texted and asked if a Starbucks would be fine. I asked if he would like to go to some other coffee shop, and that I had a few nice places on my Yelp list. We decided on Portola in Costa Mesa because it is adorable with it’s industrial interiors and I have always wanted to go there.

Saturday afternoon, we met at the coffee shop, talked for around an hour, and yet I left from there feeling like I did not know him AT ALL! The only recall value was how nice my coffee was, he liked NBA, and he had a Scuba license that he told me 3 times about. My impression of him was a vanilla software techie, with a Scuba diving license. One thing irked me big time was the way he was pronouncing my city’s name. It bothered me way more than it should have! We left the cafe after telling each other that we’ll text and stay in touch and see how it goes from thereon.

10 day later, until Tuesday, I saw no message or call from him. I was sort of mad at him for not even sending a polite text like it was nice seeing you, or something sweet. So, in all my anger and ego, I texted him that since we have had no communication with each other, we may as well end it here. My outlook is, if either of us would have felt inclined to meet again, we would have texted.

On Wednesday, Mr. Y replied apologizing for a late reply. His reason was that he was unsure of what to reply because he thought the meeting was great and he was going to suggest to meet a few more times. I was so confused! Because at what point did he think that I knew about him wanting to meet more! Anyways, I decided to be nice and offered to meet again and give him a second chance. And I waited.

Until another 10 days later, on Saturday again. I swallowed my pride and I messaged him only to find out that he was in San Jose with his friends. I talked about food(because that’s my fav topic) for a few minutes and told him that I was running the St. Paddy’s 5k like every year the next day, Sunday.

Monday, he messaged asking how my run was. I said that it was very fun and I had a great time with my friends. He said ‘nice.’ That was it. Those were our last sentences to each other. It has been more than a month.

Such a lack of attention is a turnoff for this princess. I don’t understand. There were 20 messages to each other in a span of 1.5 months almost. Is he still thinking that we got along very well, and has he assumed we will be meeting more? Only God and Mr. Y know!

 

I don’t need enemies…

…When I have myself!

I am not exaggerating, you guys. I am right on track to destroy my social life, alienate friends and to kill any chance of finding a life partner or even starting a relationship.

I met up with friends over the last weekend and I was telling her how I am so lazy that I just don’t want to step out of my home anymore. I had a date lined up since a few weeks but I have been postponing it for one or the other reason. Although the first week I had stomach cramps and had to cancel another dinner plan. But after that, I have had no reason. I left the town to go to San Diego on Saturday morning and my Friday was wide open and plan-less! But rather than going and meeting this guy, I decided that being on the couch and watching TV is a better option. I may have just lost the love of my life(Rrriiggghhtt!) I had a date planned a few months back too. But the phone call to plan it kind of cooled it for me. He made atleast 10 mentions of some club that used to be in the vicinity of the brewery I was suggesting and sounded concerned that in all my years of living here versus his 2, I hadn’t preferred to spend my every waking moment there. So, when he texted 3 hours before the date that his friend ‘had a fracture suddenly’, I was more than happy at his sad excuse. I went to tell my girl Adriane that I don’t have the date anymore and she commented that I was positively glowing at the prospect of not having anything to do that Friday. 

These aren’t really one off incidences. I already am famous for refusing to do absolutely anything on weekdays, save for Wednesday softballs. I spend my day at work, work out in the evening, and I want to go back home and do nothing but watch ‘Kuch Rang Pyar Ke Aise Bhi’(obsessed with the show!). My plum sized brain refuses to understand that I will have zero Rang Pyar Ke if I don’t step out, meet people, and invest energy to get something started. Even when I start talking to people online through Anuroop, I only want to text. I cant help feel exhausted already when they suggest a phonecall. My weekends are spent in pre-decided plans with friends, or trying to not get out my bed to even see sunlight. Where does that leave me any time to devote to guys? 

This is not good for me. Since I first started dating at around 17-18, this is the longest that I have been single. I have become used to being alone, although I don’t like being lonely. I have become accustomed to doing things my way and spending my time the way I want to. My last relationship also happened to be the longest relationship I have had and so I have lost touch with my dating mindsight. I have not had to try and be nice, and impress anyone for years now(6 years today actually.) Things just flowed when the xBF and I decided to take our friendship to the next level. All this business of talking and connecting with people, has totally left my comfort zone. I can talk without worry with anyone where there is no prospect or suggestion of anything else. Anything other than that makes me clam up. It also doesn’t help that I am feeling quite under-confident about myself, with respect to looks, and even more, personality. I just don’t feel that I have that ‘stuff’ in me anymore that can be liked by someone, so, why even try! I know, I know, that is the wrong way to go about, specially when I am so keen on ending this lonliness. But old habits die hard, eh?

I guess I just have to keep telling myself to get out of the house right? Although, all this hardwork, effort and the subsequent ranting in this space can be saved if one simply falls in love with me at first sight. Is that too much to ask for?

—————

PS : Usually on social media and blogs, people color their lives to make them look more exciting and better than reality. I have succeeded in doing the opposite. To all the concerned people, my life isn’t as sad as it looks from the post. Take it with a pinch of salt, and some lime and tequila.

Dating Tales : Boy 3 : Date 1

I think sometime in October, I got very frustrated with something (or someone, we can say) and I hopped back on Coffee meets Bagel, a dating app for a brief 5-6 days. I wanted to get back on it, but I had a nagging belief that if I focus on one person, maybe it will work. But I realized it was not meant to be. I realized I need a man, and not a boy. And I want a story, not just a chapter anymore. Such a nice dialogue! I should be a writer. Or a columnist. I digress.

So, to cut a short story shorter, I started talking to a guy from the app. I liked him basically because he is a Phd and has 2 big dogs. Yes, that’s my criteria, no judging. I have been talking to him on and off since then. We have exchanged pictures of Moony and his two dogs that are huge and absolutely adorable. He asked me to meet several times when he was taking his dogs to the beach or to dog parks, but I usually had something or the other. Finally, I texted him if he was free on Wednesday and met him yesterday.

This was an interesting date. For one, there was no food involved, and I was honestly glad about it. I met him at a park near my gym after my work out and I wasn’t even dressed up and all that. I was in my workout gear and two sweaters(it was cold!). I did take pains to dab my face clean in the gym locker room and put on some kajal and mascara and some perfume. But that was about it. I reached the park and he got there after 5 minutes and then I met his dogs! And, err, him.

So, to protect any detection, I am going to call the dogs Miss and Mister. Miss was a 50 lb dog that was found on the street as a stray(suspiciously left by owners), starving at 20 lbs. She has the most pleadingly adorable eyes ever and comes to you every so often to look and stare and ask for re-assurance. Mister is a gentle giant and way bigger than her, like a horse, with the saddest droopiest eyes that fool everyone. He loves the outdoors but gets tired easily. He was turned to the shelter after some neighbors spotted him in a foreclosed home. Mister has not seen starvation and streets but Miss has and he said that is the reason that Mister will walk out of open door and car windows but Miss will not. It broke my heart to hear that. 😦

We spoke a lot while walking around. He was not boring. He made some jokes about me and him and the dogs and told me funny stories from Indiana and here. I told him some of my goofy stories and he laughed at appropriate places. It was a nice long walk, and I had worked on my legs at the gym, but I did not complain. I was walking Miss while he had Mister and I did not get bored at any point. He is a Telugu guy from Mumbai, and seems to have quite a cosmopolitan approach. The best part is, he LOVES dogs and even volunteers at the Orange County shelter and I have told him that I want to sign up as well. He is also a vegetarian. One attractive thing about him is that he is very well educated. I always like that in a man and that is somewhat of a turn on. Ooh, he is also moving to the apartment complex just across the street where I have recently moved.

About feelings, I don’t know if I am attracted to him. I have definitely struck a chord with him, but regarding turning it into a romance, we don’t know. Only time can tell. If you are wondering how and why, when I already have Anuroop(the wedding portal) looming closer and closer, let me tell you, that I will not give up trying to find someone on my own. The medium could be a website or an app, or through friends. Not in a bar, definitely not, I am just not that person. And through friends also seems questionable, because I have shamelessly asked Abhi if he has any single friends, and he suggested ONE person VJ who is poles apart and very brother like and funny. Hehe. Nobody has suggested anyone else. Or they all think I am too messed up to ruin someone’s life, I don’t know. 😦 Then there are boys who can’t or won’t hit on their friend’s friend or friend’s sisters. I think I am just ranting now, so I will stop before it turns into a full blown angry monologue. Again.

  

Taking the plunge!

It’s happening you guys! If you look my name up on Anuroop, you will find it. Well, not Princess Butter, but my real name. D-Uh. Not just Anuroop, but Bharat Matrimony and I suppose Shaadi.com too. I have given my go ahead to the Mother and Father and have told them that I am going to keep my search on too.

For the non-Indian audience, yes I am putting my name down for an Arranged Marriage scenario, and no, I will not be getting married without seeing them/meeting them, and also, I am NOT being forced into this. This is not very different than Online Dating where you match with someone, meet them, date them and maybe say yes for a long term relationship. It just is a bit faster leading towards marriage and you have a goal. There are pros and cons. Just like pros and cons in online dating, or meeting someone at the bar, or through friends. You get my drift, hopefully.

I told them about my dating scenario and Mom was a little scandalized but alright and said try and do your shenanigans on Matrimonial Apps rather than Tinder/Coffee meets Bagel or whatever. Haha! Also, she wants me to send her a picture in a ‘mod dress’ so the guy and his family will have an idea what they are dealing with.

When we were talking, Dad asked to give him a broad idea with respect to what I want. I went really broad and said, I want a male. He said, okay, I will keep that in mind. 😀 Then I said that you know my personality so make sure the guy matches that. At that point, my dad said in these exact words, “We have tried! But we have failed to understand you! God knows what you are now. YOU ARE AN ENIGMA!” We were all in fits of laughter for the next 10 minutes. Although the crux of the matter is that my parents have left it on me to filter out the guys and are not going to interfere. They are cool like that.

So, I looked up the Anuroop Sanstha website and the registration website and have a lot of doubts in my head about it.

1. Chashma/Spectacles seems like an important point. I think my soda glasses are going to buy me a couple of years. 😀

2. What the hell is my built from these options(translated into English from really funny Marathi words) : Slim, Medium, Like a stick, Plump, Delicate?? What the F#ck is delicate!

3. Am I fair or wheatish? Can I write MAC foundation shade NC37? Wait! I am NC35 in concealer. Will the 2 shade range make a difference? OMG!

4. For Groom’s expectation with regards to food habits, I prefer vegetarian(eggetarian), but will adjust with meat eating as long as it’s not cooked in front of me. But can I write that I am not going to kiss him right after he eats it?

5. Again for Groom’s expectations, I need to mention if I want someone who can cook or not. Can I say, I don’t care, but must know how to do dishes?

6. There is a question about how do I spend my spare time. Is “Sleeping, youtube, or youtubing while lying down” an acceptable answer?

7. I will have to rank my time between these options: Family, Relatives, Friends, Guru-Satsang, Others. If my past few weeks are anything to go by, 100% of my free time is going to Abhi-Nisha-Madhuri! And ‘Would you want your spouse to partake in these activities?’ Hell yeah! 😀

8. Do I play any games? I play baseball in a tiny city league with a bunch of drunk people and my team name is ‘Happy Hour’. Are mind-games during flirting/courting counted?

9. I am supposed to tell if I smoke, drink, club etc. and for the weirdest reason ‘hoteling’ is included in it. First of all, I hate the word. It’s stupid. And since when is eating out being clubbed with these ‘must-ask’ questions?

10. The form asks if our family values are traditional, modern, free-thinking or flexible. FLEXIBLE. I thought of something entirely else when I read it. It was awkward.

11. The best for the last. Options for the past: Serious relationship, relationships or just friendship. Why will anyone write down just friendship? I could put down 200 names and counting, for all my friends. Sheesh. 

My dad said he is already tired. My mom yelled at him and said that it’s been just ONE day. I said they are looking at atleast 2 more years of madness.

So, to end it, my mom has summarized me as “Liberal, broad minded, modern girl who values her friendships and relationships.”
I am such a catch on paper.

PS: Convinced the folks to not pay up for their annual registration till January. I don’t have time till December and don’t want to waste 2 months’ fee. Top-of-the-line cheapskate I am.