I am desperate for a call. For a text or even just a ping. He was my best friend before anything. The last time I heard his voice was on Diwali, a week after he left. I hate the fact, that I was out with Abhi and Kals that time, and had to tell him to call me back after a while. Irony is they both had come to OC from San Diego to have lunch with me and not to make me feel alone. He never called after that.
Maybe it is his way of coping with it. But it is killing me.
I wake up, and my first thought is him. I go through the day, while driving, having lunch, after the gym, I think of him. While having my dinner alone, I think of him.(I hate eating alone, and I was thrilled beyond words, during making my plans for thanksgiving and christmas just at the thought of being able to have company with someone during meals). While going to bed, I shut my eyes with his thoughts whirling in my mind. I have his t-shirt saying ‘Everything will be okay’ on a pillow. I feel pathetic, but I cant let go. I have kept tiny things from our trips to NYC, etc. and other mementos in a box, that held chocolates, one of his last gifts to me. I had returned the anarkali his mom had sent me, but I have kept his gifts. I cannot give them away or throw them away.
I talk casually about him to Abhi, things we all used to do. I joke about them. On the inside, I am craving for someone to tell me something about him, to update me about how he is. I wait and wait for some sort of news about him. I really want to talk to Abhi about him and let my feelings out, but I am unable to.
I dont know how I am going to handle my feelings. But I want to talk to him. I started writing a letter to him. But it is still in the drafts. I began weeping while writing the third sentence. I cant forget that he was my best friend before. It feels horrible to not have even a dot of him in my life. He was the nicest thing that happened to me(the views of his parents and what he chose, not withstanding). He changed me for the better. He brought out the nicer me. And then, after all that, him not talking to me, is sucking the life out of me.
I pinged him the other day, pretending to joke about his FB status. But the way he spoke, it was like talking to a stranger. Why has it gotten to that point? I cannot handle it. I need that best friend back. I will deal with the feelings. But living like strangers, that is not something I can handle. I want to contact him. I really want to. But I want him to get in touch with me.
I need my best friend back.
“And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But tonight I’m gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we’ll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
-Daylight by Maroon 5”