8 products that need to be male-fied, like now!

In the same vein as my last post(female dorito chips and blah blah), I want to help out our male population too. I understand that they need products specially suitable for their gender as well. Men are too afraid to use certain products, even though they realllllyyyy want to, because of them being ‘oh so girly!’ Here are a few suggestions to the consumer manufacturing industry to get on with it.

1. Soft toys: I know quite a few guys who are big on cuddles. Some admit and some don’t. And then there are some who hide their soft toys and bring them out only at night. C’mon, bring out those cuddly T-rexes. Then the boys will be able to flaunt their Teddysauruses happily.
2. Hair conditioners: Men are vain, believe it or not. They actually are equally gossipy, emotional and insecure as women, but the way they express is different. I know they steal their girls’ conditioners and hair masks in the shower because well, who doesn’t love soft hair. I think a nice range of ‘manly’ smelling hair products will be a hit.
3. Lip balms: Continuing from the point of vanity above, I had an experience where my financial advisor stopped in the middle of discussing my portfolio and had to apply his chapstick because his lips were killing him. Men do it, but also find it sheepish to apply it like lipsticks. How about some ‘manly’ shaped chapstick bullets, eh? If you know what I mean….
4. Fleece socks and PJs: My friend tried to steal my puffy carpet slippers but failed because I have tiny feet and they wouldn’t fit him. He was also quite seriously enamored by my fleece socks. Now if only they were in more ‘manly’ colors like dirt, sewage and slurry, they would be flying off the shelves.
5. Adult coloring book: I know you were eyeing my coloring book at my white Christmas party, Mike. But, apparently, butterflies were too ‘girly’ for you. Are there any rocket launchers, cars, and gym machines that need coloring?
6. Cleaning tools: Maybe some hardcore looking gloves will get them to do the dishes, and some housework.
7. Car turn signal indicators: Oh my gosh, someone needs to connect these to brains for instant telepathy. Thinking of switching lanes or turning? They start instantly! Whatta world that would be! Wait, is this from the other list? Obviously this is a universal issue, and not a gender specific problem!
8. MALE DORITOS: How can we forget the main culprit here? Anyone who likes Doritos knows how crumbly they are. Would be nice if they came with a man-bib to protect those man-beards from weird orange crumbs. Sheesh.

Go figure.

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8 products that need to be female-fied, like now!

Have you heard about the new Doritos chips, specifically meant for ladies? If not, you must be living under a rock. Or have an actual life, with important things to do and massive respect to you. Me? I am just on my couch (it’s rather nice!), watching tv (a bit, fine!), and not eating the said chips (the flavor of the next three years is cheeto.) I am still thinking how in the world did Indra Nooyi say all this? So, to keep up with this brilliantly bullsh*t new wave of introducing products specifically for females, I have a few suggestions.

1. Beer bottles: I personally find holding a drippy beer bottle tedious, with my pinky finger sticking out. If only they would make special pink beer bottles that I could hold with just my fingers(only 3, mind you), then chugging and burping would be a lot more pleasurable.
2. Calculators: I use a Casio scientific calculator, day in and day out, for my work. But sometimes the screen is too grey for my mood and liking. I would like it to be bigger, so my eyes wont strain and get wrinkles.
3. Headphones: Headphones or earbuds are a joke for my dainty ears. They either keep slipping or hurt my ears after a few minutes. And the worst part is them tugging at my earrings. I would want some robust earbuds that may pass through like, hoops, so they look pretty while being functional. I am talking about jewelry with audio, yo!
4. Men’s jeans: No, I understand there are women’s jeans in the market. Hear me out. I want men’s jeans to have that ONE extra pocket to hold girls’ phones. Everyone knows about the lack of functional pockets in our outfits, and I am tired of men complaining about ‘no more space’. Phooey!
5. Pull up bars: Those dumb pull up bars at the gym are way too high and are meant for stupid thick-skinned hands. I can’t afford my soft as baby’s bottom palms to get calluses and my upper arms to get flabs. A lower bar, with a nice pink foam layer would be appreciated.
6. Key Rings: I need my grocery discount card, library card, gym card, one trinket and one purple foofie-ball attached to the car key. Umm, can I have a bigger key ring, please?
7. Swiss army knives: Well, they are very handy and super useful in any situation. But they are missing two very essential items. One, a tiny razor, for smooth legs needed urgently for those cold nights out camping(ahem!) and a teeny bottle of eyelash glue.
8. Car turn signal indicators: Oh my gosh, someone needs to connect these to brains for instant telepathy. Thinking of switching lanes or turning? They start instantly! Whatta world that would be!

Hulk angry!