8 products that need to be male-fied, like now!

In the same vein as my last post(female dorito chips and blah blah), I want to help out our male population too. I understand that they need products specially suitable for their gender as well. Men are too afraid to use certain products, even though they realllllyyyy want to, because of them being ‘oh so girly!’ Here are a few suggestions to the consumer manufacturing industry to get on with it.

  1. Soft toys: I know quite a few guys who are big on cuddles. Some admit and some don’t. And then there are some who hide their soft toys and bring them out only at night. C’mon, bring out those cuddly T-rexes. Then the boys will be able to flaunt their Teddysauruses happily.
  2. Hair conditioners: Men are vain, believe it or not. They actually are equally gossipy, emotional and insecure as women, but the way they express is different. I know they steal their girls’ conditioners and hair masks in the shower because well, who doesn’t love soft hair. I think a nice range of ‘manly’ smelling hair products will be a hit.
  3. Lip balms: Continuing from the point of vanity above, I had an experience where my financial advisor stopped in the middle of discussing my portfolio and had to apply his chapstick because his lips were killing him. Men do it, but also find it sheepish to apply it like lipsticks. How about some ‘manly’ shaped chapstick bullets, eh? If you know what I mean….
  4. Fleece socks and PJs: My friend tried to steal my puffy carpet slippers but failed because I have tiny feet and they wouldn’t fit him. He was also quite seriously enamored by my fleece socks. Now if only they were in more ‘manly’ colors like dirt, sewage and slurry, they would be flying off the shelves.
  5. Adult coloring book: I know you were eyeing my coloring book at my white Christmas party, Mike. But, apparently, butterflies were too ‘girly’ for you. Are there any rocket launchers, cars, and gym machines that need coloring?
  6. Cleaning tools: Maybe some hardcore looking gloves will get them to do the dishes, and some housework.
  7. Car turn signal indicators: Oh my gosh, someone needs to connect these to brains for instant telepathy. Thinking of switching lanes or turning? They start instantly! Whatta world that would be! Wait, is this from the other list? Obviously this is a universal issue, and not a gender specific problem!
  8. MALE DORITOS: How can we forget the main culprit here? Anyone who likes Doritos knows how crumbly they are. Would be nice if they came with a man-bib to protect those man-beards from weird orange crumbs. Sheesh.

Go figure.


This cringe-worthy life

You know, I used to look at other kids in my school or college and think of them as total weirdos, while thanking God about how I so was not like that. I used to think of the shitty phase the kids had and being glad that I never did. I had even claimed to my mom that how classy AF I was and not like others. All the while, I was in the top league of weirdos. Hello, cringey life. I have been in splits since I started remembering how awful I was(or I am :-/) and how phase-y I can be. I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face from embarrassment and utter laughter.


Cringe life

If we start talking about fashion, I have realized that I flow with trends, but after they have been around for atleast 2 years and are almost passing by, I will join the bandwagon. I am not the totally trendy person you see and neither the ‘shun trend and make my own style’ girl. I am somewhere weirdly in between, very unmemorable. Why am I saying all this? I have so many pictures of wearing stuff after the trend has passed and looking ridiculous in the said clothes. Imagine Henna color checked parallel pants with a matching short jacket. My brain hurts thinking about it. When I was 6-7, we went on a Shimla trip and there is a picture of me wearing a black n white pinstriped blazer style fitted pencil dress with a big black belt and a matching hat. I felt that I was looking mad cool. I want to tear that picture. Imagine a specy, spindly 7 year old with front teeth knocked out posing like she is convinced she is Princess Diana. I am usually on top of fashion theoretically through magazines, articles and blogs but I do not end up buying stuff for a long time. I have a tendency to go ‘Ewww no’ for a lot of things that I see for the first time before it turns into ‘Awesome Unicorn Gorgeousness’. The other day I was out in the mall and realized how everyone was suddenly in bomber jackets in military green color, just like puffer jackets last year. I know that I will not like them now but will crave for them in a couple of months. By the time I own something, it’s on its way out. Thank God for cyclical fashion though. Who is looking cool in those palazzos, aka the old parallels from those days? Haah! Clarification : I don’t have the same parallels now, its physically impossible to fit in those, even if I had those. They were ugly as hell too. But I do fit into a super cute plaid, kilt style skirt that I got for my 10th birthday.

I remember the fun junior college days that people call high school in other parts of the world. I thought I was the coolest cat around and wore red t-shirts pretty much every day with embroidered flared jeans. I had a thing for silver rings and 8 of my fingers had rings on them sourced from Hong Kong lane in Pune. Yep that’s the street of choice for all silver jewelry based needs. I recall having purple flared pants also that had slits going up on my shins. Fergusson college road had the coolest stuff and Kareena Kapoor’s 2000’s colorful fashion was inspirational. Those were also the days when I would trip 800 times a day in my sky high platform shoes. I stopped wearing those once I had a boyfriend who was just a few inches taller at that age(16-ish) and had the realization dawn upon me that walking like a newborn giraffe on stilts was not cool. It’s been flats since that day. I had gone to Goa on a trip with my friends in the last year of undergrad and there is this weird thing that stands out for me. I had gotten a thick, black, beaded bracelet for N, Ani and me and for some reason, I started wearing it on my upper arm. Only after I saw a picture of me with that thing, I realized, a week later, how dumb that looked.

When I got into college, I had a crush on two guys during the first couple of months. Those guys were and will always be way out of my league. But I had a close friend though who was in that group and was absolutely the kind of girl they would hang out with. You get my drift? Like if it was high school(which life always is), she would be on the cool table with those guys and rest of the gang planning a next party, and I would sit with the Harry Potter obsessed kids who sometimes forget to brush their hair and discuss Govinda movies. She is an amazing person and would just somehow fit everywhere actually! So, to sound yo, I started learning about rock music from her. Seriously, this happened and we always laugh about that whenever talk now. This was followed by a phase trying to like Eminem’s rap, thanks to that idiot I was with. I was even writing gothic poetry because loneliness and sadness and depression was just soooooo romantic. It was cool to be sad?! This calmed down only to re-surface a couple of years back when a friend told me that chart topper music is yuck and how Beatles and Pink Floyd are the best. Thankfully, I got over that really quickly and now unabashedly listen to the radio top 40, Taylor Swift, and all Hindi music. The weird pretentious music loving phase did yield to me some sappy loving for some artists including Bryan Adams, whose concert I am going to in July. To be honest, most loving is fueled by nostalgia because I am not majorly into music. I like Pop, and I can’t help it. Actually, I don’t want to help it. Hmmmpphh.

The cringey things I say, will take up reams of paper if I start writing them down. I have a tendency to say ‘Wish you the same’ after someone wishes me ‘Happy Birthday!’ How? Why? I don’t know. Even if I have fought off a Cassowary, swam with sharks and then had a dinner party with gnomes in the garden, if someone asks me how my weekend was, I will blank out and say ‘Eh, alright, relaxed.’ It would be still fine if I left it at that. But the long pause and that look of trying to remember, takes me down. Once a guy was flirting with me and told me that my shoes were cute. I proceeded to say ‘I have flat feet.’ That was the most appropriate response I could come up with?! There was this one month that I was saying ‘Honestly’ all the time as punctuation or response. There was also a phase of ’50 shades of embarrassment/crazy or whatever the heck the feeling was’.

So even if I thought of myself as someone who sailed through without a phase, I know I had more than my fair share to laugh about. I spell out P-H-O-N-Y, and don’t miss the capital letters.I will not even deny that I am going to laugh about what I am right now, a few years down the line.

I can imagine a 40 year old me cringing :

Uggh PB? Seriously you wrote these kind of posts? I can’t believe you were being so sappy! THIS felt funny?? You wore that?!  You sang Taylor Swift all the time?? Well, homegirl is cool, so that’s okay.


Being an emotional fungi 101

Hola! I have had enough experience in my life on how to be dark and depressing and so I am introducing this course to you all on how to be an emotional wrench all the time. Why fungi? Because it is my course and I can pick whatever I like. And mushrooms and fungi look sort of sad for some reason to me. Like hanging faces.

-Place reminders of the ex around : Breakups are one of the biggest reasons a person can get dark and gloomy. If you want to continue feeling that way, you should put tiny pieces of memories all around you. Take their old, worn-in t-shirt and put it on a pillow and keep it in a hugsy position. This trick is usually for having your partner around when he is not physically present. But it works very effectively when you have broken up as well. Every time you see that t-shirt, or hug it, you will feel super gloomy, and your heart will cry. Even if it says ‘Everything will be okay’, we know we won’t let that happen. Keep things like their last tube of face wash, that pebble from the beach, the mason jar bottle, old shirts, even tags from the gifts they got you, somewhere your eyes can see and well up immediately.

-Keep your weekends either very busy or totally free : We don’t do averages. We do extremes. If you are out and doing stuff on Friday night, Saturday all day, and Sunday all day, you will get extremely tired and you will cry because Monday will be a ‘Khooni Monday’(‘bloody Monday’). Also, if you are home on Friday night, and on Saturday and Sunday, with the only exciting thing being laundry, then you will feel alone and nostalgic and totally like a loser, and you will cry.

-Keep light in the room dim : When it is nice and bright and sunny outside, it makes us happy and cheerful. But that is good only for the daytime when we are taking a break to finish chores and from being sentimental. So as soon as it gets dusky outside, do not get up from the bed to turn the light on. Remain there watching something stupid on Netflix till it gets really dark and you can see your fingers, courtesy the laptop screen reflection. It works instantly to make you feel all alone and depressed and miss your mommy.

-Keep a lot of stuff on your bed if you have any traces of OCD : Sometimes when we lie down to retire for the night, we need everything perfect. But when we stretch and hit something with our toes, it can flip a switch in our heads to throw that thing away and scream in anger and frustration. So the moral of the story is, keep that extra folded blanket that just takes up more space and doesn’t serve any purpose in the summer, right on the corner of your bed. Also, make yourself so habituated to a tiny toy that you can sleep only while clutching it in your hands and if you wake up at 3.17 am and can’t find it, you flip out and look for it, and sleep again only after finding it. It helps if that tiny giraffe was from the ex. When the frustration builds up, the tears will flow.

-Listen to a song on repeat : It can be anything from Galliyaan, to Yeh Swades hai mera or Say something, I’m giving up on you to Boulevard of broken dreams. You will find one word or line that will make you intensely emotional. Songs are powerful. When emotions are running high, any song will make you feel it was written ONLY for you. Use that to your advantage. Choo Choo! Hop aboard the crying train!

-Fuel up your car : I have an intense struggle with myself every time I put gas/petrol in my car. Paying that abysmal amount makes me cry tears of blood. So go ahead, go for a full tank, and let the waterworks loose.

-Check your bank account balance : If this does not make you cry, my friend, I bow down to thee.

-Burn your dinner : The easiest way to feel extremely homesick and turn into a soggy tissue paper. I have already written a blog post on that experience.

So go ahead, and take this course. No exams. Just free grades. F is the best grade here.