When I said it…

“I am not ready,
I won’t say ‘I love you’,
You will have to wait,
I know I told you.
 
It’s been a few months,
And we are having so much fun.
I know you want it,
But I can’t say if you are the one.
 
It’s not like I don’t want you,
But baby, I have this fear.
Those words are precious,
And I want to be in the clear.
 
When you said you loved me,
I asked you to hold onto it.
But you said I could wait,
Till I am ready to say it.
 
I am sitting here thinking,
I miss your love and care.
You just left for Boston,
Your sister is over there.
 
It’s just been two days,
And I need your sweetness.
Your calls and Skype,
Not helping my loneliness.
 
I can’t wait any longer,
Finally have to tell this to you,
Babe, you are my world,
And how ‘I love you’.”

~

You have been gone since,
But I don’t regret it.
We took a harsh decision,
We had to just do it…
 
Looking back at the time,
When I said it,
I am glad I waited,
We absolutely meant it.
 
Remembering those moments,
Been many years, I think five.
Oh, these are not tears,
There’s just something in my eye.

*——————————-*

The xBF’s sister lived in Boston. He used to visit her quite often and during one such visit after a couple of months of us dating, I realized I truly was in love with him.

Parents were over at the east coast for a tour and they went to Boston and that triggered a thought process that atleast got a decent poetry post out. I would like to be a lovesick Devdas who drinks, cries and churns out poetry. But then alcohol=big tummy and crying=floating contact lens. #problems

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The illusion called ‘Tomorrow’

Tomorrow never comes. What we have is today. I have lost a lot thanks to procrastination, fears, anxiety and my dependency on tomorrow. I always felt that tomorrow will bring a better answer than if I ask the question today. Tomorrow was my hope. Tomorrow was my everything. My fear is of rejection, of failure, of bad news, of disappointing news. My fears have ruled my heart and have prevented me from seeing the life, that I see with closed, sleepy eyes every night. And many afternoons. My dreams have the hope that my real life has given up on. You know that old candle that has a lot of wax but the wick has burnt out to its end? I sympathize with that poor candle.

I have done a lot of un-doable things. I have been on many adventures. I have been good, and I have been naughty. And I have been happy , I have been moody, I have been angry. But, I have been very afraid. I don’t go to doctors. I am convinced about bad news. I would rather not hear it. I lack courage. People think I am very confident and have gumption. I don’t deny it. But behind that personality, is a very scared girl who feels she has been thrown in the eye of a storm. One wrong move and she will land up God-knows-where.

 

The xBF at MIT, Boston, from one of our trips. With the hypothetical/real floating question mark.

 
But what I don’t want anymore are ‘what-if’s. For me or for my loved ones. I don’t want that shroud of regret on our actions in the future. I don’t want that giant question mark looming on our heads day in and day out, taking over our lives. I am a giant worrier and over-thinker. It is bad enough being confused but I don’t want to make it worse. Ironically, today the usually inactive him posted the following on FB. These are the smartest words spoke on Breaking Bad.

  
It has been a rough day today. I am hormonal and my back is killing me. My last night dream was about seeing the xBF’s family and stalking them and eventually getting engaged to him. For the umpteenth time. Mid-morning, my co-worker who is also my friend, caught me on my desk with tears streaming down my face, while chatting with Moo online. Moo’s predicament and the hurt she is feeling, translated literally to me when I burnt my hand with hot boiling water. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Raining over me…

Little wet droplets,
or spheres of light,
Shining through the darkness,
twinkling through the night.

Sprays of moisture,
or flood of memories,
Cutting through the cages,
like a flock of canaries.

As I reminisce,
the thunder growls,
my lips let out your name,
while the wind howls.

The clouds have unlocked,
our love is the key;
Drenching my soul,
its raining all over me.

PS : Its raining. After a long, long time. He loved rains. Mumbai rains.

A year it has been… 10/27/14

Sometimes feels like a decade, and sometimes like one day.

Black

Black is the cloud,
Black is the night,
Black is the darkness,
That envelopes with a might.

Black are the eyes,
Black is your soul,
Black is the heart,
Menacing in every role.

Black is your dress,
Black is the shoe,
Black is the lace,
That with lust peeks through.

Black is your move,
Black is your touch,
Your black selfishness,
With no efforts much.

Black is my death,
In your dark, dark meadow.
No wonder they call you
The devilish Black Widow.

*——————————-*

PS: Dark female characters in movies and books are so much better than miss goody two shoes girls.