16

How to conquer your (tiny)fears…

Do you ever feel totally freaked out by completely normal things that have no reason to be afraid of? Yes? YES? I feel you guys! I go through some situations day in, and day out where I come across seemingly normal things, panic, cry and then calm down and tackle that. Nope, I am not talking about love, relationships, life. Those are unconquerable monsters and we shall leave them there. These are some of the things I have developed a level of comfort with. I have developed small ways to tackle my fears and let me nudge you in the right direction..

Phones : Do you ever feel that your heart jumps when your phone rings? Are you the kind of a person who will actually let it ring rather than answer, and then call back? Does your heart flutter when you are making a call? (Do I sound like one of the those TV Skymall people?) Ani very well knows how scary phone calls are for me and how nervous calling anyone would make me. It is simple to deal with it. Don’t answer. If it’s an unknown number and important, it will go to voicemail. If it’s known, it’s your judgement if you want to take 3-5 business days to call back or text (so much easier!) Meanwhile, turn off the blue ticks on your Whatsapp.

Alcohol: It still remains one of the most unpredictable things I deal with. One is a teaspoon, two can be the Pacific Ocean. Yes, that has happened. If you do want to drink, take it easy. There is no need to glug anything down. A happy high is always better than being sloppy drunk, for you as well as your company. I am also beyond that age where any drinking had to be hardcore. Find out what you like, if you really do want to be a social drinker, and stick to that while exploring in moderation. And keep your phone away, trust me.

Packing for trips: I was a roll and throw kinda gal till I had two amazing packers(not Green Bay, sad joke) around me. But when I could no longer use the services of both of them(my dad and the xBF), I had to take things into my own hands, quite literally. Packing overwhelms me to the point of tears. So I make lists, gather everything on my bed, and start going at it one by one. I still am a massive over-packer (“Oooh, what if I do want to wear this top but I don’t have it!”) but atleast I am efficient now.

Makeup: I started out with concealer when my face had more red blotches than craters on the moon and I realized how intimidating it all is! But then I started reading blogs, and I was very fascinated by beauty gurus on youtube. I like the artistic side of it, and I don’t find it scary anymore. Unless we are talking about 800 layers like the Kardashians. Nope. So, if you want to dabble with makeup, just watch the videos, and practice on yourself. Nothing is better than being in PJs and watching Netflix with a perfect winged eyeliner, well, except being out and about with that winged eyeliner.

Selfies and pictures: Before I begin, I need to put this out, again. If you take my picture and do not show me a preview, you are dead to me. Anyhoo, if you feel uncomfortable at the thought of getting pictures taken, don’t even look at the camera. Just look at the person taking the pictures and smile as if they are nougat candy dripping in chocolate. Most importantly, remember to stay still because it’s a picture and not a video. I have way too many fidgety friends and I just want to ‘Petrificus Totalus’ them.

Babies: Babies are probably the most intimidating things around that scream ‘adulthood’. How ironic is that! I used to be freaked out by babies and was convinced that I don’t know how to actually handle them. But I realized it isn’t that bad. You can talk to them like they are normal people. They most likely can’t tell the difference anyways. If you are scared of holding them, it will be good for you to know that they are actually quite resilient. Like, don’t throw them around WWE style, but you can hold them quite normally too. They are squishy, but not too delicate. Nature has intended them to be squeezed out, swung around and to survive most bumps and bruises.

It’s okay to be scared and confused. You don’t even have to overcome those fears. Just learn to live through them. Now excuse me while I call my mom. That’s scary for a whole another reason, though.

25

First World Terrors

She had her perfect Minnie ears and smeared kohl for a scary Minnie Mouse in the house. Her costume had been appreciated at work and the Halloween party had been a success. She stepped out of work to a dark and gloomy sky and walked to the parking lot. It was only 4.45 pm but the overcast skies made it look darker. The area was empty and a little chill crept up her neck as she tugged on her sweater. She got into the car, and got a startle! The radio was accidently set to the max volume. Strange. She never hears music that loud, she thought. She shrugged and drove out. 

She was stressed. And for some reason, she felt frazzled. She was nervous about something, but she couldn’t put her finger on why that was so. She decided that the best way to calm herself down was to haul herself to the gym. She took a turn and drove herself to a work out. After finishing her work out, she stepped out of the gym and shuddered. Was it her imagination, or was it way too chilly and dark? Dementors crept up in her (Potter)head, and she shook herself to push away those thoughts. She did not need anymore negativity than what she already had.

She drove herself to her home. She was listening to the radio to keep her mind in a better place. But it was Halloween and between every two songs, there was a phone call with people reporting in their paranormal experience. She kept shutting off everytime the call was put through. Living alone, such stories were the last thing she wanted to hear.

She got home, finally. She looked at her beautifully carved pumpkin at her doorstep. She got her tealight candle out to light up the Pumpkin for the night. It was glowing beautifully. The darkness in the hallway though was giving her the creeps. Was it her imagination, or was everything just wrong with the night? She whipped out her phone and started to take a picture of the glowing Jack-O-Lantern.

She was not prepared for what happened next!

Her phone said:

20

If I were God, or Oprah…

I was reading a list on Forbes magazine that was talking about the highest paid careers for 2016. Now I like to read that list hoping to find my chosen field in there and then crying because it is never listed. Amidst the orthodentists, anesthesiologist, a zillion other kind of doctors, software engineers, construction specialists, financial managers, I can see so much money, enough to make Uncle Scrooge blush scarlet. So, I started thinking (Yes, that does happen) about the rest of the careers. IF I was the supreme finance guru of the universe, and I had to pick 10 professions that really, really need a raise right now, these would be my pick.

  1. Teachers : These would be the first set of people to get a nice fat raise. Teachers have a huge responsibility on their shoulders to shape up the little humans into the kind of large humans they would turn into. I have had some amazing teachers and some absolutely pitiful ones. My dad had a Maths teacher in his middle school who he swears was Prof. Snape without the redeeming quality of ‘Always’ in him. He loathed my dad and probably turned on the Math-phobia in him. They deserve so much more so that there is motivation and inspiration to undertake this massive responsibility.
  2. Farmers : After the issues I have had with my puny tomato plant, I have so much more respect for farmers who deal with a crop that is a million times the size of my plant with exponentially more problems. Everybody is aware of the pitiful state of farmers in India. The only political party who actually gives a sh*t at any point of time for them, is the party in opposition at that given time. Nobody cares.
  3. Construction workers : These guys are living, real life Spidermen/Spidermans(?). Have you seen them dangling off the high risers in New York City? Have you seen them perched on top of a bamboo stick on the 21st floor of a building in Mumbai? Did you hear of the news where 9 workers got crushed under a falling slab where they were working without any gear? Some of the most used and abused bunch of workers are in construction. I will also throw in some sunscreen for those long hours in the sun. Cancer is a real b*tch.
  4. Nurses : These ladies and gents are the people who do the dirty work after la-di-dah doctors give their diagnosis and swish away to get into the list that Forbes compiles. The nurses are the ones who end up saving lives a LOT of times. They clean you, change you, help you with pee and poop too without being related to you in any way!
  5. Housemaids/cleaners/helpers : Do you even realize how hard it is to clean up such disgusting, filthy homes? From what I hear, I specially pity the lady who cleans the home of a friend in India. Also, the gossip session warrants a nice bonus. It is important to have them keep our secrets, right? I am sure that isn’t blackmail.
  6. Dog care givers : Actually this is just to warm the cockles of my heart which otherwise is a dark cold lump of coal. Any person who works even remotely with dogs deserves a raise, a bonus, and more goodies. Y’all are my favorite bunch of people! Like, ever!
  7. Hairstylists/mani-pedicurists : I did not particularly think of this until I read some horror stories that a few beauty stylists re-counted in some online forum. Millimeters of fungus under nails, cruds and cysts on scalp, LICE! I was THIS close to throwing up! You have my salute.
  8. Personal shoppers/fitters : This is specially for the br@ fitters working at lingerie stores. Most women who go to such specialty store are in general good hygiene coming from the upper section of the society, but there are many, many exceptions. You touch other women’s possibly non-showered b**bs and butts and help a lot of them zip up into dresses 2 sizes smaller(for after the Kellog’s diet) while complimenting them. That gets you the raise I am offering.
  9. Passport/License photographers : This is for purely selfish reasons that hopefully in my next batch of pictures, I won’t look like a round bagel with plops of cream cheese and blueberries for eyes, nose and mouth. Ugh.
  10. Car washers : Again, very selfish. But hopefully the raise will prevent them from taking away all the cash and change in my car. I am looking at you ‘All Hands’!

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13

Mars vs Venus

Gender equality is the buzzword these days along with ‘startups’, ‘feminism’, ‘global-warming’ and ‘crossfit’. One word does not belong in that group and I am aware of that. Many women that I get to speak to in real life and the blogging world have suffered directly or indirectly because of the gender bias or inequality as a result of that bias. We cannot shy away from the fact that it is a real issue when it comes to society conditions, relationships, professional life, paychecks, etc. It has made life hard for a lot of women in history and even in this 21st century, it continues to be a challenge. If you are reading this after 100 years for whatever reasons, let me know if there has been any improvement, and also if space tourism did take off.

But I want to take a look at inequality in a different way, perhaps in more physical context here, that I am afraid is sort of in-built. I am looking at you God, and I do consider myself mad at you for creating us this way.

The worst difference in my eyes, is PMS-ing. I have spoken and written a lot about it. Why would God do this to us women-folk! Why?! If you are an atheist, please question evolution as to why do women have to writhe about in pain. The twisted me would love to see men doubling up in pain every month just when their partner’s time comes. Just trying for equality!

How many of you ladies have to carry a sweater/jacket/wrap to work even when it is literally a 100 degrees? How is it that men need the temperature so low that it is practically Siberia at work when it is Gobi Dessert outside? I wonder how the cooling system of men vs women is, that it turns men into sweaty pigs while women are shivering. I am sitting in office on this lovely Friday afternoon waiting to leave after a very busy week and very pissed off. I have a wrap around me and my right leg is hurting like it hurts in winters, when I can see glorious sun outside the window. I am thoroughly pissed off at the AC system and all the men in the office who are being whiny about it being too hot. Grrrrr.

Do you know the situation when you are enjoying a very satisfying pizza with beer and suddenly you are full, but not mentally full? You want to keep going because it is truly delicious but your stomach refuse anymore. Or it is a generous helping of some of the softest, tangiest Paneer Tikka Masala you have had, but your stomach is this close to bursting open. Or it is Abhi-Nish’s famous Kachchi Dabeli(Indian burger, sort of) and you just don’t want to stop but you don’t want the food flow to be reversed. And then you look at the men wolfing down all of it at a speed twice yours and at quantity thrice yours. This situation hurts me and makes me very jealous of their capacity to eat more. I wish greed could win over my stomach’s capacity, but I have had a lot of moments where gluttony has failed me. You’d think I would learn. Heh.

I have recently learnt a very cool tidbit about a biological difference between men and women. You know that lovely layer of fat deposit under our skin, that is a little too thick for our liking than that of Katrina Kaif or Blake Lively? Well, the structure of those fat cells is different in men and women. The collagen fibers form a vertical structure system in females and a criss-cross style system in males. It results in collagen giving us the bumpy effect on legs and tummy and elsewhere. It also gives men a very powerful advantage. That of opening jars more easily than women. It has something to do with less sliding of skin and better grip. Every time I have to open a jar, my first step of attack is to cry loudly for 5 minutes, then google videos and then finally smash the jar. I kid. Maybe not.

I am thankful for the squats at the gym, because when it comes to a public restroom after long hours of holding my pee in, that is the way to go. The classic ‘squat and hover’. I am very envious of men’s ability to go anywhere and everywhere without the hanging sword of infection or the danger of a bug-bite amidst wilderness. They don’t need privacy, or the need to cover up. bordering on shamelessness in my motherland where I have whistled many a times in a passing vehicle trying to embarrass them into sense. But apart from that kind of sh*tty behavior, it definitely is a boon. I specially feel the pinch at portable loos at camping grounds or race events.

Striving for equality? We shall see when that happens. But I look forward to the day when God re-considers what he created. It would be so nice to see my man PMS-ing, and I eat 3 whole Tiramisus on my own, pouring chocolate sauce on it directly from the jar that I opened. And then I can go pee on a tree like a dog.

29

The dinner dilemma

“Baby, let’s go out tonight.
What do you want for dinner?”
“Sure, that sounds cool,
I am cool with whatever.”

“Where do you wanna go?
Entrees and desert to share.
Fine dining or fast food?”
“I don’t really care.”

“How about some Italian?
And that wine tonight.”
“Umm, I don’t know.
I want something light.”

“Let’s get some Ramen.
The weather’s cool.”
“We just had it few weeks back.
Not really makin’ me drool.”

“We can do some other Asian,
You sure like Pad Thai.”
“I want something spicy.
It’s not in my top five.”

“Indian sounds good,
To stir up the flavor,”
“We eat that all the time.
Curry over and over.”

“How about Pizza or sandwich.
We shall get that fast.”
“But baby, I will be hungry again.
That definitely won’t last.”

“Just tell me what you want,
Enough of this game.”
“I knew you don’t care for me!
All your loving words are lame.”

“No babe, I am sorry!
We will do what you want.
We shall go out and eat.
Or I will cook if you shan’t.”

“Meh, I don’t wanna eat at home.
Let’s just go out.
You decide where to,
That I don’t wanna think about.”

The BAE suffers daily,
Driven nuts by a girlfriend or a wife.
I may be strong and independent,
But this is also the story of my life.

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Haah! This is me day in and day out! With the significant other or with friends, my story is the same. I hate having to decide anything, specially cuisine and place to eat. I have almost cried because I couldn’t decide and have also made a few people shed tears by saying NO to everything. My strong Libran characteristics makes it worse for me. 

I hear the same going on with Shawn and his GF. This was partly inspired by one of his stories the other day. 🙂

The xBF had come up with an interesting solution. He would start asking what I was absolutely not feeling like having and then would narrow it down. So I had no other drama to entangle him in. Smart guy, him.

Public note : Girls, please don’t get mad at me. This comes from true experiences, but there’s no generalization. All of you who can make up their minds in a snap, I bow down to thee. 😀

14

Pearls of Wisdom

How would the sky look if it were all pink instead of the same old blue…

Are there aliens? And if they do exist, why won’t they contact us? But, why should they? Maybe they are smart enough to let us be. I mean, there has to be another galaxy or a solar system where there is an intelligent kind of life form. We can’t be a mere accident, for God’s sakes. Will we ever discover it? I hope not! We destroy anything that we touch. Opposite of Midas.

My toes are ugly. If I scrub my feet long enough, will the zebra tan go away? Maybe if I scrape off the top layer of the skin…

If I would have made myself study harder in 12th Board exams, I would have gotten a better college in Pune. Could have studied better for GRE and gotten a better school. I could have maybe had a great job. Wait. SO the end result would be the same. Meh. Whatever, I have a patent under my name now.

How do people have such flat stomachs? How do I make my tummy tire disappear? Can I cut it off?

How can a 6 degree turn change the temperature from cold to sh^t-my-skin-just-boiled-off!

How do I get a boyfriend? So long it has been…. On sooo many levels. But who cares. I am so not getting someone. This girl? Who takes, literally, 3-5 business days to reply to any text from a potential suitor?

Look at me wave. Double wave. Okay, I have stopped waving, but the flab on my upperarm won’t stop. Ugghh, stupid arm bat-wing. Can I cut it off??

Will I ever get married? Why, God, why did you(Insert the xBF’s name) have to leave! So hard to start over again. Are YOU getting married though? What’s the b^%$h’s name?? I almost don’t want you to marry. But you are sooooo nice. You should marry and be happy. I hate myself.

Holy F*&^%! All that is MY hair??

Sh#t, Reddit was right!! Dumbledore WAS death! He gave Harry the cloak, the stone and guided him to the wand. He even greeted him ta King’s Cross like an old friend! *MIND BLOWN!*

What do I eat?

*We never go out of style… We never go out of style…..JUST TAKE ME HOOOMMEEEEEEEE* ♫ ♬

I need a wardrobe change. I am bored of the clothes I have. I should be more fashionable. Why cant I buy new trends? Why do I wait for a year and then want? Why am I so stupid? Someone buy me new clothes, I am broke.

Should I put down the $1000 deposit on the new Tesla?

OW OW! My eyes!!! *Intense burning like hell is on fire!!*

Will I ever win a lottery? Hah! Fat chance with never even buying a ticket. Vegas is also not kind to me. I am going to be broke forever. Unless I marry rich. Hah! Fat chance.

Heh, I can’t twerk. 

If I can scrape off the skin on my feet, maybe I should do that to face too. But how?

Will Trump be the president? What would the socio-economic condition be if Bernie Sanders is the president? The Wall Street definitely has too much power and so do the lobbyists. Re-distribution of wealth is a great idea on paper but incredibly difficult to achieve considering the tax situation and the amount of people receiving benefits. What is the oil price today? Need to look it up. Do not look up 401K again today. LEAVE IT ALONE! Is Clinton going to be charged for the email-privacy-Benghazi thing?

If I cup my hands at my stomach and collect the water, and let go like this… *SPLASH!!*

If I cross my arms correctly, even bigger *SPLASSSHHHH*

I look like a prune now. Gotta get out.


Shower is such a fun place to think, innit?

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22

The ‘Om’ Project

Since more than a month now, I have started going for Yoga classes on Fridays. I used to go for yoga once a week at San Diego State with Karen and then I stopped after I moved to OC. It could be one of the hundred things I try when I get bored of myself, or it could be a lasting thing, I don’t know. But the experience so far has been good. I feel more supple when I stretch because strength training can leave me with aching tense muscles, and I know I don’t stretch every day. The first day that I walked in, everybody’s expression was like “Hey! You are Indian! You got this!” I was feeling all gung ho about it. I had chosen to ignore the fact that I hadn’t done a dot of yoga in almost 3 years, not counting the 10 min of stretching when I used to learn belly dancing. We started with basic breathing techniques and stretching and I beamed with the thought, yes, I really got this. And that’s when things went downhill.

      “Oh my God! My wrists are going to snap! There is zero strength.”

      “Breath!”

      “Why the hell are my feet and palms so small! Such less square footage! Downward dog… Arrggghh. It’s like making a Honda Civic balance itself on skinny cycle tyres.”

      “F@$#”

      “Breath!!”

      “Don’t give up! Don’t give up! Fine, one knee down.”

      “PB, keep breathing! You are killing yourself!”

Nisha, having a lot of experience with yoga, had explained the difference between Hathaflow and Vinyasa and to my utter horror, my teacher makes us practice Vinyasa for 60% of the class. I have no sense of direction or side. With her left and rights and turning towards the front, I end up working out the same side twice and then I feel imbalanced. She has to tell us/me to not look at her with anger and smile in her delightful sing-song East-European accent. “Daunt look at mi wid angerrr. Smyle everrrybaady!”

Yet I was managing things just fine. Till a cute guy joined the class two Fridays ago. He looked at me and smiled and I so did not want him to see me contort myself in grotesque shapes with pain writ across my face.

By the end of the first class though, everybody’s ‘You got this!” look had turned into utter disappointment. It’s okay. I am used to that expression. Crushing hopes is a hobby of mine!

But I will chug along the choo-choo train of Yoga. One day I will progress from my shoulder stand to a head stand and I will have the last laugh while I look absolutely comfortable in a full-split.

5

Tax-exempted dreams

So the budget is out, and the good and the bad is being discussed and shredded by newspapers. There is the usual cacophony of screaming Arnub Goswami “You will not talk about income tax deductions when I am talking about Bharat Mata ki Jai!!!!!!!” and the Congress brouhaha where RG wants Suit-Boot ki sarkaar to reduce costs of dhoti, punctuated with Kejriwal’s whimpers for tax relief on cough medicines and naturopathy Resorts. Modiji will smile and announce that “Govt cares, we pinky-promise”, and our lives will go like always with literally zero changes.

I am upset with a lot of things. Like always. Yes, I want the farmers to progress and yes, I want food available readily and for that we need some sort of security. But I still really, really want some things to be done properly. I don’t currently live in India but I can’t help thinking of how it would be if I was or ow it should be if I were to move back.

Now if I could be all ditzy(like always) and  if I could ask for 5 sops, what would I want??
 

1. Tax free income :
I work really, really hard to make money. I have to pretend to sit at my desk while I pore over Pinterest and Stumbleupon and ahem, WordPress. I have to endure endless Starbucks Grandes just so that I can look like a normally functioning adult when these oldies have their endless meetings over something as mundane as how to save the company from folding over. And what do I get for that? A paycheck literally cut in half. Like, I don’t even…
 

2. Cheap drinks :
I am all about priorities. I am not happy with the costs of booze rising and the exorbitant taxes in pubs or nightclubs. I am not for harming my liver AND my wallet at the same time. One thing at a time. The more accessible booze is, the better my mood will be and better for the society it will be. I am less sarcastic, less angry and generally happy when drunk. Same goes for soda served in restaurants. What’s with a gazillion taxes? The kid in a non-descript village has not sacrificed his drinking water just to make me say no to soda because of the damn price. Do the kid a favor, and me too.
 

3. Cheap food :
A happy tummy is a happy life. My Michael Kors purse feels more and more stretched when I go to eat out. Why is the Finance ministry making eating out more expensive? Dal-Chawal at home is for losers. I just want to have my usual fare of Paneer Tikka, and Pasta Arabiatta and Margherita Italiana pizza without paying for sweeping the Indian streets. I mean, if I am not doing it, why should I pay to do it, that’s what that’s for, right?
 

4. Tax deduction for makeup and retail :
Our country needs to catch up with the rest of the world, globally and be a global giant on this globe. I totally support FDI and I am absolutely think it will help India reach places. I want Sephora to set up more shops. I want a Clinique counter in EVERY Big Bazar. I want Kat Von D and Too Faced and Nars easily accessible when I run out of my coral blush. I want to be able to run over to Victoria’s Secret when I am not in the mood for laundry. And trust me, we ALL need LuluLemon yoga pants in our lives. And what’s with having to fly abroad every time I need a new Coach handbag?
 

5. All wheel drive SUVs :
Have you seen the potholes on the roads??In USA, they call it offroading for adventure, in India we call it onroading. Another reason I refuse to pay for sweeping those potholed silly streets. I need a Jeep Cherokee in my life with an all-wheel drive, just to be able to safely go over to my office where I work so hard, without having to spend more money to soothe aching shoulders. Also, road trips! Wheee!

  
  
Siggghh, such hard life the Sonam Kapoors and Gwyneth Paltrows around us have…

39

10 Valentine gifts for instant breakup…

It is coming! Apocalypse of Love is coming! This is the 3rd consecutive year where I am going to absolutely hate on the concept of Valentine’s day and curse the xBF to oblivion and utter some abusive words for the Crush, who’s name I am sure I won’t remember when I come back to read this post in a few years.

I had jotted down some interesting points on how to spread the joys of Single Awareness Day on Valentine’s day. If you want to read about that, go HERE. If you still insist on not being ‘aware’, go ahead and do your thing.

For people who are a part of a couple and want to be on the fast track to being single, I am going to make your job easier by listing down some of the top instant-breakup gifts that you can give a girl. Because I am a girl. Also dear future partner, let this be a guide to ‘what-not-to-gift-PB-like EVER’.

  1. Envelope with straight up cash : You are her lover and not her mother’s sister’s husband who got invited to the wedding. You must make a better distinction between the occasions. Since, we are on the point, checks, Visa gift cards are also off the table.
  2. Weird Und*rw*ar : My friend had gotten his GF this really weird thing with strategic keyholes, and yes, he told me because we are almost siblings and he was sharing how lost he felt in the store, which incidentally was called ‘Pink Kitty’. He never ended up giving it to her after seeing the face I made. Ha! Also, I don’t know who or why someone would like edible UGs. Nope.
  3. Deodorant : Perfumes are beautiful. Perfumes are sensual, playful, s*xy. But, please, do not give a girl Deo sprays. It is almost like telling her that she stinks.
  4. Cookbooks or cookware : Unless she really enjoys cooking or requests you specifically, giving a cookbook or cookware says that you want her to seriously work on her cooking.
  5. Bunch of yellow roses : A friend actually gave his wife a dozen yellow roses and she was horrified! His reason was that the yellow roses were cheaper by almost 2 bucks a pop. He is lucky that they were already married. For the uninitiated, if you want to or have been in a cuddle with someone, give them red roses! Yellow = Friendship.
  6. Showpieces/Figurines : I don’t know how to describe these, but these are the little pieces you get in greeting card stores like Hallmark or archies, that look like little angels or birds or dogs or cherubic babies. An ex used to give me a bunch of these and I hated them. What the hell am I supposed to do with these in a dorm room and no home to decorate?! Moo hates them too and her line of reasoning involves a dust-phobia. It is true! The amount of dust we have in India, makes keeping home spick n’ span really hard!
  7. Self-help book : Give her ‘How to be a nicer person’ and say bye-bye to love forever.
  8. Clothes or bags : Some people like to get clothes as gifts. But if your girl is like me and extremely picky, I would suggest to steer clear. Most men that I am friends with or have dated, have not had (good)similar taste in clothes as mine and it makes an awkward situation when I express the desire to exchange a la Rachel from Friends.
  9. Gym membership : Are you calling her FAT?!?!?!?!
  10. A small velvet box, with no ring inside : This is the worst gift I have ever seen if you are dating. I saw a vlog by a very famous youtube personality’s boyfriend who gifted her a small square box on their anniversary with a bow on top and recorded her reaction. They had decided no gifts, but he was trying to be sweet. She went all oooh and aaaah and emotional and opened the box only to see a tiny gold chain inside. Her next set of oohs and aahs was weirdly high pitched and absolutely fake.

So, keep this in mind and have a good Valentine’s day. Whatevs.

Valentines-Day-Jokes-06 (1)

27

10 types of people on my Instagram

I am a social media nut and I have said that many times before. I happen to have two Instagram accounts in my life and no, they don’t know about each other. *Evil grin* One account is my personal one, and the second newer, but less updated one, is my blog account. I am not totally sure why I started the second one, but wanting to show off the few fun things I do(rarely) to my blog readers is a likely reason.

I follow quite a few people on both these accounts and I have noticed some fun things about the kind of pictures posted by certain people on my feed. I decided to list some of the categories I could make out. I am going to exclude bloggers from the list because A.) I don’t want you all to get mad at me; and B.) I don’t want to categorize those as they can be exclusively fashion/makeup/food/lifestyle blog accounts. I had made a similar list with people on Facebook, and have a look here.
 
So, what kind of people do I know on Instagram?
 

1. One eyed monsters 
: I have queens as well as kings of selfies on my Instagram feed. I have never seen both their eyes in one shot and this goes for girls and even few boys. The hair is exactly the same with bangs on one side and straight shoulder length hair with layers. The face is always tilted in an angle. I don’t think they can ever get a Passport made, because they will never look straight into the camera! I have a genuine question. Do you use superglue to keep the hair in the same position?? 

I woke up like this. Really. And spent the next 20 min brushing my hair to normalcy.

 

2. Must-kiss-everybody : These people have a lot of love in their hearts and they go above and beyond ‘free hugs’. They want to give kissie to everybody. I think their parents forced them to kiss every aunt and uncle and this has resulted in the permanent pout. What else could the reason be? As for the duck face, they are just trying to figure out if they should ‘swallow or spit it out’. 😉

3. The Collagers : Every picture is a collage of 10 pictures. And IG doesn’t let you zoom. So all I see are tiny blobs of colors in a big blob. I also know many people who take 8 selfies and put it in one picture, as if they are the bombs and they can’t make their mind up about where they are the prettiest. Like, what? Please choose, about 5. That looks prettier and gets the story across. And my myopic eyes can see the pictures.

4. The Hunger Game-ers : All you see is food, food and some more food. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, snacks, Starbucks, everything makes their way on their IG. I specially want to mention Starbucks, because since the day it set up shop in India, it’s almost like they are handing out death penalty if you buy something there and don’t put up a picture. #maakehaathkakhana is a buzzword now, and so is #foodgasm. I have never seen #garmagaramchai so popular in the same field as #bruschettaItaliana. Also, what’s with a #iamsohealthynow when they put up a picture of a smoothie that they drink once in 6 months?

 

Sh*t we do to lose 10 grams.


Which brings me to…

5. Health bugs : Say hello to unnecessary tips and advices on how to lose that pound that you don’t want to lose. So, do you walk around lifting your shirt up, or is it a special treat for my eyes the 683rd time over? You look good, and could perhaps be fit, but please wipe that dripping sweat off first. 

I lift tiny weights and pretend to be a badass.

  

6. #Hashtagaddicts : #OMG #Toomanyhastags #icantmakesenseofasingleword #yourhashtagaddictionismessingupmyeyesightandmygrammar #pleasestopandsavehumanity

7. Moral science teachers : I want to thank you for imparting me life lessons with a picture of either your new haircut or a selfie or some crumpled paper on the floor. Everything has a deep meaning to it and I wish I had your insight. I bow to thee.

8. PDA-tors : They inspire me to fall in love, and express my love to my partner, ALL THE TIME. The second when they aren’t indulging in a show of affection, is a wasted second. God forbid if you can tear them apart during group pictures. Nope, sir. I am fine with it, as long as I don’t have a story to tell to a newborn of their conception. None of my close friends do this though and I want them to. Just for kicks.

9. Party animals : Thanks to these guys, I feel like my life is one big bore. How do you have the energy to go to every party, every concert, on every single weekend?! I am a dead zombie who is on the far end of even its zombie life(death?).

I step out once in a blue moon and make sure EVERYONE knows.

10. The Scrapbookers : The true memory makers, who only put pictures from old memory books and send me reeling into nostalgia. Sheesh. Sniff.
 
Now where do I fit? I am the most normal(YES! Believe it!) Instagrammer who puts a giant whirling mix of everything above! Haha! Except, life lessons. I am the last person in the world who should hand out those. Except you, Bhakti, I KNOW EVERYTHING.
I am vain AF, I put selfies when I feel good about myself, I put recipes when I feel like a Masterchef. I put pictures to show where I was on last Friday night, and it totally could be my own living room. I put nostalgic pictures of my buddies when I miss them. Basically, my Instagram accounts have everything under the sun. 🙂

I would perhaps be a PDA-tor too if I had a PDA-worthy person. Just kidding, #NoNopeNever.