28

15 tips for fellow singles to get through V-Day

So we are going to be celebrating a Singles Awareness Day Saturday on, well, Saturday. On the occasion of this SAD Saturday, let me give you a few pointers to get through the excruciating 24 hours where mush and confetti is going to fall on you non-stop.

1. Do not go out to a theater in full taav(attitude) to watch a movie alone. The only thing you will end up watching is some furious making out ALL AROUND YOU.

2. Do not lose your mind and binge eat that entire box of chocolate. You will regret it so much when you step on the scale. Remember my fellow SAD Saturday observer, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.

3. Do make something special for yourself or order something nice to eat. My special favorites are Egg curry, Pastas, or Tawa Paneer.

4. Do not go to a restaurant alone. Bad idea. The waiters will either thoroughly ignore you or look at you with such undisguised pity. And mostly, you will end up with a table near the restroom or the kitchen. Plus, you may catch umpteen proposals, a lot of PDA and such disgusting things around you.

5. Watch your favorite sitcom. But do make sure you don’t watch an episode with lovers coming together finally, or people getting married, or anything with hot s*x. NOPE. There, there. We don’t want to cry.

6. Do not stalk your ex’s social media. Reminder to myself have been placed all around the room on post-its. Which are thoroughly neglected.

7. Do not stalk and hate on the new girls he is adding in his friend list. Does not matter how horrible you are sure they are.

8. Do not get drunk and drunk-dial the ex. (*Hiding all my wine*)

9. Do not be that idiot who will post things on Social Media wishing parents, siblings, cousins and friends. This is NOT a family love day. It is a day for proposals, affection and the ‘other’ kind of action.

10. Do not pretend you have a date later in the day. Please. Have some self-respect and be supportive of SAD Saturday.

11. Do not send a bouquet to yourself at work. Even if you are writing a note from Anonymous. People will go, ooooh, but in the inside, you know how pathetic that is.

12. Find other SAD Saturday observers and have a picnic together. We used to have our Pavana Dam trip in college in Lonavala every year. Somehow I would start dating people right after V-day who weren’t even a part of that trip. The group was full of SAD celebrators and Friend-zoned people(mostly boys).

13. Do not go shopping. You will thank me later for saving your credit card debt.

14. Do not talk to or meet anyone in a relationship. They are gross on V-day. Just gross. Unless they don’t celebrate it.

15. Catch the India-Pak cricket World Cup match on a giant TV in a newly married couple’s home. This applies for American time zones specially. Again, which I am doing in San Diego, and I shall re-iterate the exception in my point 14. And pray really hard that we do not lose the winning streak.

31

Some zodiac wreckage

Have you ever come across Chinese zodiac signs? With all the animals? It is supposed to represent all these characteristics and personality traits. I have my own set of animal-type predictions too. It’s all in good humor.

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Rat : You are good at scheming against your group. People cannot be open and free in front of you because you will ‘rat out’ to the boss. You cannot perform in a team because you want all the credit at no work. You steal people’s stuff. Being sneaky is a major trait.

Ox : You are the drunk-on-power kind of a person. Unneccessary show of strength is your forte. You have an unreasonable hatred of the red color.

Tiger : You have a very bad habit of challenging and betting. You are prone to losing money at the drop of a hat. Indulgence in crimes and being mean comes easy to you. You are an introvert and you hate people. Even your family. Specially kids. You may want to eat them.

Rabbit : You are dumb. You usually have a chubby body and cute face. You think you can get away with being cute. Although IQ is quite low, you still know pretending to be dumb has made life easy. Specially for the female kind. You have a tendency to take and eat shit from others. Even your own, at times.

Dragon : You have major anger issues. You come across as a total jerk. Your aggression hasn’t earned you friends. You flirt like nobody’s business and are the cheatee in affairs. You breathe fire on people and annoy the sh*t out of them all the time.

Snake : Venomous gossiping is your forte. You have a sharp tongue and your sarcasm has injured many egos. You are the last person to be able to be trusted. You may do well as vamps and villains in TV serials.

Horse : Your excessive energy is a big problem. You annoy everyone around you by ‘horse’ing around too much. You are so beyond the boundary. The boundary is a blur to you. Your food habits are bad. You usually have gassy issues due to excessive munching on ‘chana’.

Sheep : You are extremely selfish. All you think of is ‘meeeeeee’.

Monkey : You steal things like nobody’s business. You are always playing tricks and are a rebel in the society. You have a weird habit of touching people’s hair and food.

Rooster : You make the worst house guest. You have no qualms about waking your hosts up at 4 am by screaming and yelling or singing. You like to provoke people into fights.

Dog : You are a complete doormat. People treat you the way they want and yet you will be around wagging your b*tt at them. You are always greedy for more. You have an insatiable appetite for food.

Pig : You are always hungry and looking around for food. You have no sense of hygeine and may just sit in your own sh*t for the longest time. Your lack of physical food and excessive food makes you overweight.

PS- I am a rabbit. 😜

22

Of angels with spiked tails

I get the best thoughts when I am about to fall asleep, on the pot, or brushing my teeth. Well the percentage of good thoughts while brushing my teeth is a little lower than the other two because I am usually almost touching my nose to the mirror to observe my new pimples popping up. But sometimes some thoughts do takeover and I totally forget to brush one quadrant.

So, while brushing my teeth today, in case you totally did not get the point of my previous sentences, I saw Moo’s texts about a kid at the bus stop who was asking her certain things. I hit a thought. It was about kids and their seemingly innocent aura. I just laughed to myself and pushed the thought aside. Then, at work, I opened the Red Handed Blog and saw her post on kids and their innocence ! I was like, OMG OMG! I have been thinking the same exact thing! So Red Handed, I am not trying to steal your post, I promise, but just building on it and agreeing with you while vigorously nodding my head. Same goes for you, Moo, and if you would be kind enough to note down that experience(I do think the mom should have said something), it will be awesome.

So, for the record, people consider that children are innocent angels and can do absolutely no wrong. They represent innocence and purity. In the painting of the world, if adults are all black and gray, children are that pristine, virginal coat of white. These people are so mistaken. I was not innocent for the record. All my antics are firmly etched in my memories, partly because I always knew what I was doing and partly because relatives or family friends love telling how I made their life utterly difficult in gatherings and functions. I also remember most of the kids from my childhood who left me, sort of, scarred , by a number of methods. Plus, my niece is 6 years old, and though I love her, sometimes I just want to send her to her room and make her stand facing a wall. These are the best punishments I could think of to remain within legalities.

When I was a kid, I was attracted to shiny new things. They might or might not have belonged to me. Every time I would go to my three Mausi(Aunts)’s place in Jaipur or in Ratlam or to my grandparents’, at the end of the trip, my mom and they would search my bag. They would find at least 6-7 items that belonged to them and had gotten lost during my stay there. The items were miscellaneous. Hand held mirrors, combs, one earring, coin purses, even a single chess piece. They knew that I had magpie like tendencies even back then. Now my inner magpie just hoards her own stuff. Ticket stubs, chocolate wrapper, a stone picked up from some beach, stickers that Moo gave me while leaving India, gift wrapper from the scrap book made by Ani and co. and so on.

I was a master at lying. Somehow, lying came very easily to me rather than the truth. Even if it was totally not needed, I would just tell weird stories to my teacher, or my relatives. When I was 4, I went to all my neighbors and invited them for my birthday celebrations in the evening. They all came with gifts. My very bewildered mom told them that my birthday was in September, a good 4 months away. Well, I just wanted some gifts! I got grounded instead. I have lied about sickness to get away from going to school or from studying. It used to work exceptionally well at school specially during the subjects periods that I hated. And during PT, when I would lie about having breathing issues. I hated PT. Yeah, so I was a scheming kid if you can call that and I was perfectly aware of what I was doing. Also, I remember that I used to pray to God to never give me a sibling otherwise I would have lost my ‘favorite kid’ status. I also remember instigating some friends that their parents loved their younger sibling more. I was 5. Innocence be damned.

When I see my niece, I see a sweet innocent child only when she is asleep. When she wakes up, I see a Miranda Priestly(The Devil Wears Prada) or a Naomi Campbell type of diva in her. When she was a year and half or two, she would ask for something at home or in a store by pointing. If ignored, she would make her eyes really wide and make a grrrrr sound. If ignored or told that she couldn’t have it, she would clench her fists and jaws, and would make her body tremble in a very scary way. Like, shaking in anger. It was very freaky to watch that! She knew how to use her crying, or yelling, to get what she wanted. My cousin brother had this ‘no one should scold her and use only love’ approach to her. He was forced to swallow that back and had to begin grounding her, but alas, the damage was done. When they moved to Chicago, the same continued. I have witnessed her full blown temper tantrums where she would scream and cry and then cough really bad and that is enough for my cousin and his wife to totally melt down and grant her wishes. I used to think that such tantrums happen when you get older and you know how to use it. But I did not realize that kids know it too. Of course it is another story when a child is sleepy, or hungry or tired. Then, crying is a natural mechanism to deal with it. There is a difference when a kid is being a kid and when the kid knows how to use it to their advantage.

On a more serious note, comes bullying. Kids can be extremely cruel. I got my glasses when I was in the 1st grade and I became the butt of jokes and pranks. I have done a very detailed post on my experiences as a part of a healing process. I don’t want to repeat all that. But to summarize, kids as young as 3 years are known to ostracize certain kids. They are known to call other kids dark/fat/ugly/poor, etc. A lot of children with disabilities have it rough at school. My mom is a tuition teacher and she sees her 4-5 year old students be very cruel. Specially the prettier girls are extremely mean to others. It starts from childhood it seems. :-/

I read a very interesting article today that shows how recess can be extremely cruel for immigrant kids. The article mentions how 1st and 2nd grade peers can be li’l devils in disguise and how intervention of an adult/teacher can put a positive spin on this whole situation. Do give this eatocracy article a read.

Here, I realize the importance of mature parenting. It is very important for parents to go beyond mollycoddling and believing that they are just kids and it is a part of their cuteness or innocence. They have to try and catch these traits young in order to help the child suppress such behavior and to help them distinguish between right or wrong. They are never ’too young for all that’. Some of the blogs I read, are of some parents who are being totally normal, but still exceptional. I am not going to preach about how parents should do it, because I have no experience in that matter, except from observation.

So all in all, hey, you who thinks children are sweet angels and a gift from the heaven? Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

19

Pressure of performance

Overheard this conversation from the Boss’s cabin. My cubicle is next to him. My Boss is a 74 year old adorable Canadian-American, who takes good care of me. He says I am like a little girl and it is like having his grand daughter around. 😀
He hired a new Project Engineer for our R&D team, and he is an Indian. He is from my boss’s previous company and that is where I had interviewed first with ze boss.

My boss to the new Indian guy at work : “Oh, you have met PB before, she is really good, blah blah blah…”

Indian guy : “ Oh, that is good to know”

Boss *Chuckling* : She is quite cheeky, has a great sense of humor. Makes everyone laugh all the time.”

Indian guy : *Smiling politely*

After a while,

Indian guy : “Hey, how are you? Good to see you again!”

Me : “I am good! Congrats on the new job, and welcome aboard!”

My head : “THINK OF A JOKE! THINK OF A JOKE! THINK OF A JOKE!”