15

I don’t need enemies…

…When I have myself!

I am not exaggerating, you guys. I am right on track to destroy my social life, alienate friends and to kill any chance of finding a life partner or even starting a relationship.

I met up with friends over the last weekend and I was telling her how I am so lazy that I just don’t want to step out of my home anymore. I had a date lined up since a few weeks but I have been postponing it for one or the other reason. Although the first week I had stomach cramps and had to cancel another dinner plan. But after that, I have had no reason. I left the town to go to San Diego on Saturday morning and my Friday was wide open and plan-less! But rather than going and meeting this guy, I decided that being on the couch and watching TV is a better option. I may have just lost the love of my life(Rrriiggghhtt!) I had a date planned a few months back too. But the phone call to plan it kind of cooled it for me. He made atleast 10 mentions of some club that used to be in the vicinity of the brewery I was suggesting and sounded concerned that in all my years of living here versus his 2, I hadn’t preferred to spend my every waking moment there. So, when he texted 3 hours before the date that his friend ‘had a fracture suddenly’, I was more than happy at his sad excuse. I went to tell my girl Adriane that I don’t have the date anymore and she commented that I was positively glowing at the prospect of not having anything to do that Friday. 

These aren’t really one off incidences. I already am famous for refusing to do absolutely anything on weekdays, save for Wednesday softballs. I spend my day at work, work out in the evening, and I want to go back home and do nothing but watch ‘Kuch Rang Pyar Ke Aise Bhi’(obsessed with the show!). My plum sized brain refuses to understand that I will have zero Rang Pyar Ke if I don’t step out, meet people, and invest energy to get something started. Even when I start talking to people online through Anuroop, I only want to text. I cant help feel exhausted already when they suggest a phonecall. My weekends are spent in pre-decided plans with friends, or trying to not get out my bed to even see sunlight. Where does that leave me any time to devote to guys? 

This is not good for me. Since I first started dating at around 17-18, this is the longest that I have been single. I have become used to being alone, although I don’t like being lonely. I have become accustomed to doing things my way and spending my time the way I want to. My last relationship also happened to be the longest relationship I have had and so I have lost touch with my dating mindsight. I have not had to try and be nice, and impress anyone for years now(6 years today actually.) Things just flowed when the xBF and I decided to take our friendship to the next level. All this business of talking and connecting with people, has totally left my comfort zone. I can talk without worry with anyone where there is no prospect or suggestion of anything else. Anything other than that makes me clam up. It also doesn’t help that I am feeling quite under-confident about myself, with respect to looks, and even more, personality. I just don’t feel that I have that ‘stuff’ in me anymore that can be liked by someone, so, why even try! I know, I know, that is the wrong way to go about, specially when I am so keen on ending this lonliness. But old habits die hard, eh?

I guess I just have to keep telling myself to get out of the house right? Although, all this hardwork, effort and the subsequent ranting in this space can be saved if one simply falls in love with me at first sight. Is that too much to ask for?

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PS : Usually on social media and blogs, people color their lives to make them look more exciting and better than reality. I have succeeded in doing the opposite. To all the concerned people, my life isn’t as sad as it looks from the post. Take it with a pinch of salt, and some lime and tequila.

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