8 products that need to be female-fied, like now!

Have you heard about the new Doritos chips, specifically meant for ladies? If not, you must be living under a rock. Or have an actual life, with important things to do and massive respect to you. Me? I am just on my couch (it’s rather nice!), watching tv (a bit, fine!), and not eating the said chips (the flavor of the next three years is cheeto.) I am still thinking how in the world did Indra Nooyi say all this? So, to keep up with this brilliantly bullsh*t new wave of introducing products specifically for females, I have a few suggestions.

  1. Beer bottles: I personally find holding a drippy beer bottle tedious, with my pinky finger sticking out. If only they would make special pink beer bottles that I could hold with just my fingers(only 3, mind you), then chugging and burping would be a lot more pleasurable.
  2. Calculators: I use a Casio scientific calculator, day in and day out, for my work. But sometimes the screen is too grey for my mood and liking. I would like it to be bigger, so my eyes wont strain and get wrinkles.
  3. Headphones: Headphones or earbuds are a joke for my dainty ears. They either keep slipping or hurt my ears after a few minutes. And the worst part is them tugging at my earrings. I would want some robust earbuds that may pass through like, hoops, so they look pretty while being functional. I am talking about jewelry with audio, yo!
  4. Men’s jeans: No, I understand there are women’s jeans in the market. Hear me out. I want men’s jeans to have that ONE extra pocket to hold girls’ phones. Everyone knows about the lack of functional pockets in our outfits, and I am tired of men complaining about ‘no more space’. Phooey!
  5. Pull up bars: Those dumb pull up bars at the gym are way too high and are meant for stupid thick-skinned hands. I can’t afford my soft as baby’s bottom palms to get calluses and my upper arms to get flabs. A lower bar, with a nice pink foam layer would be appreciated.
  6. Key Rings: I need my grocery discount card, library card, gym card, one trinket and one purple foofie-ball attached to the car key. Umm, can I have a bigger key ring, please?
  7. Swiss army knives: Well, they are very handy and super useful in any situation. But they are missing two very essential items. One, a tiny razor, for smooth legs needed urgently for those cold nights out camping(ahem!) and a teeny bottle of eyelash glue.
  8. Car turn signal indicators: Oh my gosh, someone needs to connect these to brains for instant telepathy. Thinking of switching lanes or turning? They start instantly! Whatta world that would be!

Hulk angry!