23

Instagram nightmares

There are three horrors that a lady can face on social media.

1. Being stalked by an ex.

2. Getting hacked.

3. ‘Liking’ someone’s picture while on a stalking mode.

The third and possibly the worst horror is what I underwent last night and I am still recovering from it.

I had spoken to a guy for around a week in June-July before meeting him over the 4th of July long weekend. He was very cute and kind of fun, outdoorsy and smart and those were the reasons where we had sustained our daily chats and had decided to meet while he was enroute San Diego for his vacation. But the meeting hadn’t turned out to be too great, courtesy his weird hypothetical questions, for instance if Job > life partner and such other fun stuff. We never really spoke afterwards besides him thanking me for a restaurant suggestion in San Diego. But the meeting was alright and the location was pretty and I got a drink out of it. Meh.

Now, did I mention that the guy was kinda cute? So what does PB do? Look him up on social media. I had seen his Instagram account just before meeting up, and it was a public profile. I had sort of gotten an idea about his general personality from it and how many common friends we have(fair few) and if he is out of my league or not. In hindsight, he looked like he was!

I don’t know what got into me last night, but I decided to check his Insta account again yesterday. As I was sifting through his pictures, I came across a funny selfie video of him. It was one of his latest posts but was posted sometime back. I was trying to be very careful and tip-toed around his profile as to not leave any mark. I went to the video again and as I was watching it, I decided that I wanted the sound to come on too. Why? I don’t know. So I tapped on it. The music turned on. But, horror of horrors, there flashed a little red heart right in the middle of the video! While tip-toeing around, I had dropped 3 sets of pots and pans and 6 china plates! The room was hotter than 100 degrees and I started sweating furiously.

I instantly went into damage control, blocking him, hoping that he wont know. But for good measure, I repeated the same with my blog Insta account and I realized that my ‘like’ is permanently embedded there and I cant undo it. Ugggghhhhh. And I also couldn’t find the unblock list to go back and attempt to undo it further. I was stuck so bad. Even if I would have done all that and ‘unlike’ed it, he could have maybe seen the notification. Who knows? So I gulped the last bit of my pride down and ‘followed’ him. If he ever asks, I can say that we have few common friends and that the video showed up in my ‘videos you may like’ and it was funny. Very lame, I know.

Being that loser is better than being a stalker loser.

A pro tip: If you are stalking someone on Instagram and you accidentally double-tap, then smash your phone, set it on fire, and move to Malta.

PS : Sign of Best Friendship is when you drop the ball, and your BFF picks it up only to drop it promptly right after! We will sink together. 😀

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24

If Social Media Came To Life…

Time and again I have mentioned how addicted I am to Social Media. I usually end up sleeping late thanks to endless browsing and pinning on Pinterest or looking up something on Instagram. And if nothing else, Facebook to the rescue! If I had devoted so much time to books during my academic career, I would have been in an Ivy League. Ah well…

The fluff in my head was uber active today morning and cooked up this delish idea of how Social Media would be if they lived amongst us. So, I humanized the ones I know and use and chalked out their traits.

· Facebook : Incessant chatterbox they are. They don’t know what information is too much to share and when to stop. Now, who announces that “Hey! I just pee-ed!” I am just glad they don’t show me a picture of it. They will always tell me what their current location is and with who. What? You want me to stalk you? They have a hard time understanding that reading out their personal diary when you are hanging out as a large group is highly inappropriate. But atleast the whole ‘too talkative’ nature comes into help when they help update the people hanging out with them about some relevant social issues and general awareness. Of course, offending someone or themselves is a side effect.

· Instagram : If you decide to hang out at a cool place with them, get out of the car, meet them and don’t take a selfie right away, they are going to be so pissed! Vanity is their second name. The iPhones are kept completely charged lest the sky manifest itself into striking colors or a rock is placed suitably well next to a leaf. They consider themselves almost professional photographers thanks to bending down at weird angle to take pictures. They are usually philosophical who attach deep meanings to most every day, mundane things. Do not dare to eat your food right away after served and before they are done taking pictures of it at weird angles.

· WordPress : If anyone can beat Facebook at talking, it’s them. You know those people who can speak for an hour about ‘The green chair’? Yep, you know WordPress rather well then. Classic overthinkers, they can whip up a problem in their head and drive themselves nuts with the thought that it is only them who are the most miserable. But they usually are very well researched and knowledgeable. If you are in the market for a new computer/camera/makeup, you can ask them and they will help to get the most bang out of your buck. Some have a great sense of humor and will keep you in splits while you are in their company. But yep, be ready to listen about some topic for an hour at least, because they will not know when to stop! Some will even try to humanize every inanimate thing, what losers.(Ha!) Which brings us to…

· Twitter : They are the exact opposites of WordPress. They are the kings/queens of short and crisp talks and like to keep things moving. Hour long drawls are succinctly expressed by Twitters in 140 words or less. They like to wrap up things fast and if you want an explanation, they will promise to ‘tell you later’ and slink away. It doesn’t help a curious cat like me, but, well… Most of them are sort of up there in social status and fame, so they are your fancy buddies.

· LinkedIn : Extremely career obsessed is one of their traits that stands out. In a group of people, they will be the ones who are most likely to start talking about their jobs and what projects they are currently working on and how their GPA is better than yours. They are always looking for networking opportunities. Some will not hesitate a bit to ask you to refer them to your company even if they met you for the first time, like, 5 seconds back. They don’t want anything to do with friendship, so consider their involvement with you more at a professional front.

· Yelp : I love these fellows! They are my favorite people who don’t eat to live, but live to eat. I can hang out with them for any meal and have a grand time out of it. They know cool places to eat in and out and aren’t afraid of checking new cuisines out. Complete foodies, through and through!

· Google+ : Sigh.

Regina: [referring to Cady’s bracelet] I love it!

Gretchen: So Fetch!

Regina: What is fetch?

Gretchen: Oh, it’s like slang, from… England.

Poor Google+ is our very own Gretchen from Mean Girls, insisting they are cool to fit in. Aww. Don’t worry, it’s not about being cool, it’s about getting things right and one day you will. 😉

· Pinterest : You would always want to hang out at their beautiful homes with flowing drapes and handmade French cookies. They are the loveliest, biggest DIY-ers. The only hitch is they are always broke, thanks to spending $ 50 making a shower gel that could have cost $ 5. But at least they smell like Lavender.

  

25

Us cool, Orkut kids

I think I have been on Social Media ever since the concept started. I want to say that I have an inherent need to please everyone and I constantly need social acceptance to ‘fit in’. But, even if it’s partly true, nope. I do not get into those arguments where people curse Facebook for all the social evils in the world or for narcissism and vanity. I am on FB, and very actively share dog and cat videos. I can’t help it if anyone thinks its perverted. Plus, it’s a great stalking tool.

I associate my college life with a very popular social media tool that was such a big hype till I finally moved to FB in 2009. I am talking about Google Orkut. I remember feeling very cool about having an Orkut profile and having lots of ‘Friends’ and ‘Fans’ and ‘Scraps’. 😀

Back until 2009, I used to have endless arguments with new FB users on why FB sucks in front of Orkut and how I will NEVER delete Orkut because I found all my childhood friends there, even if, we excitedly said hello and exchanged messages on Day 1 and never spoke again.

So when Google decided to shut it down, me and the best friend Shibz got very nostalgic about it. It was an important part of our friendship, our lives and a very important medium of avoiding studies. I have archived my Orkut account and you can do it too until Sept 2016. It will be saved in your google drive. The best part of my Orkut profile? The testimonials! Oooooh, the English, the fonts, the sms language! Sigh, we were such cool cats. I am putting in a few of my Testimonials here. Yes, I am that awesome.

This one below is by my absolute best friend Shibz. Back in college, his style could be described as of Abhishek Bachchan in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. Including his behavior. I have told him plenty of times that if Inhad met him on the street, I would have gone ‘Ewwww!’ And would have never spoken to him. 😀

orkut1  

This next one is by one of my first friends in San Diego. We were a group of 3 guys and me doing everything together. There was huge drama around this and our friendship pretty much got ruined because he fell for me and got very jealous. Sheesh. 

orkut2
 

This one is by Hazra who I am really close to. Shibz, he and I make a very stupid team. We were the nutjobs back in college and we still are. Such a simple message but he has always maintained that. ❤

orkut3
 

This one is by a classmate in Lonavala. He has tried to be so cool that it’s hilarious!! He was such a simple guy. We got along pretty well. 

orkut4

This is by Ani who is one of the BFFs and a general visitor on mine and Moo’s blog. She used to comment earlier but is trying to be pricy now. We have had a mad relationship in college where we did the nuttiest things ever. As for the last line, it is true. She almost hates me.

orkut5

18

Stalkerazzi

How many of you have spent a good amount of time stalking someone on Facebook and jumping through their friend’s sister’s cousin’s dog’s neighbor’s profile? *Raising my hand ashamed*

I wrote the following frivolous poem dedicated to the xBF’s social media profiles. This is a joke. Or maybe not. Haha, got you. It is a joke. I promise!

What I have written here, is more like lyrics. While writing this, I was sort of singing/rapping it to myself. But since I am not really a songwriter or a musician, I cant explain it well. Just read it out in Iggy Azalea’s style.

*——————————————–*

I am gonna check,
Who you become friends with.
Is it something real?
Or in my head, a myth.

I am going to ask around,
What you are upto.
I will hover around you invisibly,
Find out who you speak to.

Friending you on Facebook,
Who’s that new girl?
Liking your picture,
Who’s that new girl?

‘Unfollow’ me on Instagram,
Don’t talk anymore to me,
Don’t ping when I’m online,
But that wont stop me.

I will still see your pictures,
Follow every comment,
Stalk your every move,
With nothing to repent.

Writing that comment,
Who’s that new girl?
Wishing you on your birthday,
Who’s that new girl?

Being your stalkerazzi,
Makes me look so small.
But I would rather do this,
Than not know you at all!

Stop cribbing about it,
Just deal with this crazy.
I will tell you how to,
Trust me, its easy.

Don’t say anything,
To that new girl,
We don’t quite like her,
Oh that new girl.