How not to be THAT girl on Tinder…

I have spoken plenty on how guys should behave on Tinder/Coffee Meets Bagel/Bumble or whatever profile you are on. But for the sake of equality, I should jot down the way us girls should also behave. It is unfair to demand only men be a certain way while being totally disrespectful and/or obnoxious. There is no reason we should get away with it.

I am guilty of a fair few things here and I am trying to work on it. I will not talk about what results have come my way yet. Because, nope. But still, in the hopes of being an overall better person, I would like to implement all of these, and would love it if my gal pals could too as well. So here it goes…

1. First and foremost, keep an open mind, for God’s sakes! 1-2 dates aren’t enough to judge a person usually, unless it’s gone way south already.
2. Please respect time. “Don’t ask me why I am late if I am wearing a winged eyeliner” is not acceptable. Please!
3. Don’t ridicule a guy’s English without any context about his background. In the same vein, if you are not comfortable and feel a language barrier creeping up, its okay! It happens.
4. Do not talk about your ex unless it comes up, and keep it light and breezy. You are talking to a potential partner and not to an agony aunt.
5. This is a point of debate, but I always offer to split. I do consider it gentlemanly if the guy picks up the tab a couple of times at least in the beginning, but I can be my own sugar mama too.
6. Do not lecture someone on vegetarianism or veganism, or even meat eating. Start the lecture after a few dates. 😉
7. Reminder to myself: Displaying shock and anger and arguing over why everyone MUST read Harry Potter is not gonna get you anywhere. Look surprised, take a deep breath, mention subtly how it is the best series ever, and move on to his other interests.
8. Ladies, keep the phone away, please. Okay, a picture for your yelp is okay(once you explain your elite status, woohoo!) but dont start Instagrammin’.
9. Please don’t be mean and condescending about his interests, family, friends, job, background. It’s not nice anyways, and anywhere.
10. In the same vein, don’t be mean about other people. Not on a date, and not even otherwise. It’s just not nice. Occasional lapses are of course allowed, with the BFF.

So go ahead, take that chance…. You never know….

 

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Dating tales : Boy 2 : Date 3

I forced myself to text BS during the week. Partly because I wanted to ask him if he wanted to watch Avengers next week with me and some friends of mine. He mentioned then that he was leaving for India for 3 weeks on that Friday. And then he mentioned that he was in San Francisco for a couple of days for an interview with ‘an Electronics giant whose primary symbol is a bitten fruit.’ I was quite impressed, because landing an interview with them is pretty hard.

After some back and forth, we decided to go for a movie on Friday. I told him Byonkesh Bakshi was still running near my place, but it was a late show. He was all for it. He wanted to meet at around 9.15 pm after dinner because he was at a work dinner thing. I said sure, because I wanted to finish my Zumba class in the evening and eat something healthy anyways. So, I did my dancing, went home, made squash soup(don’t wrinkle your pretty noses, it tastes brilliant!) and then got ready to leave at 9 pm. As I was on my way, he called that he will be late. I just turned away and went to a store called Target to kill time. I was in half a mind to just go back home and cancel on him. But I controlled my anger, and in his defense, I am the mad one about timing and he was at a work soiree which isn’t easy to get off. And then, I left Target only after he called me that he was almost there.

There were like 4 couples in the entire theater. I chose the most visible seats. It was actually pretty good. The thriller part is quite well executed and I like the whole vintage feel to it. My favorite character HAS to be Puntiram! He is like the ‘Ek Minute’ guy from Kahaani.

For the whole time, I kept the bag of popcorn planted firmly between us on the seat. I was leaning away from him for the 3 hours of the movie so much, that my neck got a nice pull. Do you know that there is a kiss in the movie? What’s the big deal you say? Me too. I was so supremely nonchalant and munching popcorn for the whole while that the heroine was on the screen, or staring at her dead straight with full concentration. Infinitely awkward. Must. Grow. Up.

I made a lot of random jokes before, during and after the movie. I still have no jokes to report from him, or any incident that made me laugh. He may never know how funny, or cute, or loud, my laugh is. Sigh.

While leaving, he gave me a hug. And a peck on my cheek during the said hug.

I still feel absolutely nothing. There is a feeling in my tummy when I think about it, but its not that happy feeling.

I think he likes me, because earlier while texting, he had said that the weekend would be busy because he has to shop and pack for India. But after the movie, he texted if we could meet again. But I had to tell him that I had a house party 40 min away and I was gonna spend the night with friends.

I have to figure out what to do. And soon.

Sigh……. #boyproblems

Dating Tales : Boy 2 : Date 2

I had a first second date. If that makes sense at all.

So, I met the guy from last Saturday’s brunch. We shall call him BS from now on, because those are his initials. Now peeps, don’t get over-excited because we don’t know if he is going to be a regular fixture on this blog or not. So calm down. *takes a deep breath*

We met on Friday for dinner at Veggie Grill, which is a vegetarian/vegan place very well known for its almost meaty burgers and salads. He asked me to meet him at 8 pm. But that was so late! Heavens forbid if my watching-YouTube-crap-while-lying-down time gets disturbed. So, I asked him to meet at 7-ish. I told him I may be working late and I will come directly after work. I was just making up stories. I did not want him to pick me up from home. And I thought if I say I am coming directly from work, I can avoid that. While texting on Saturday night, he asked me if I wanted to hike on Sunday morning. But I had to tell him I have plans with friends already. I fibbed. Again, Sunday morning lazy time is very precious.

I thought if I am going to that particular mall, I may as well go to the stores, and do, you know, some shopping type of thing. At this point I have to tell you guys something about me. If I have to get somewhere at say 7, I start getting antsy at 5. I will start planning and timing all my moves, and I will get very impatient.  I have this crazy thing to reach anywhere on time and I end up reaching way before time. So I thought I will reach by 6, which will give me enough time to park, and check the stores out before meeting him at 7. I left at 5.30(thanks to the anxiety of reaching on time!) and I reached at 5.45. Meh. I got so bored so quickly. And it was 6.56 and I though okk, he will be here soon, thank God. But, he texted just then that he is leaving, and will be there in 10 minutes. Meh again.

So we met in front of a carousal where I was sitting and he came over. He gave me a one arm hug and we sat there for 5 minutes talking, and then proceeded for dinner. He ordered at the counter for both of us, and this time I shamelessly let him pay. And this time, I did pick the right thing that I wanted, and I did not have to stare at his food with greed. *Mr. Un-Engineer, I did offer him my food to taste, and he politely declined, but did not offer me his. So your advice failed.* We spoke a lot about work and general. I learnt that he mostly eats take outs for dinner, he was brought up as a vegetarian but had to eat mystery meats in Japan during a work trip, and that he has been to Universal Studios 5 times in 4 years with different family members each time and friends.

The grossly sloppy person that I am, I dropped a noodle from my soup on my jeans, I suspect right on my cr#tch. I am hoping he wasn’t looking. And since I am on a minimum carb diet right now(beach season is coming!), I ordered my food on a bed of kale instead of a bun. The whole time I was insanely worried that I have green pieces stuck on my teeth. Sheesh. That’s why I can’t order burgers, noodles and salads during meetings. My dad and my friends say I need to learn to eat. I had a chance to go to the NDA Ball when I was in Bachelor’s, and Ani and Ne were refusing to let me go unless I learnt to eat properly.

Anyways, I thought we had been eating for a long time, but it was just 35 minutes or so. We started walking around the mall when he asked if I wanted to see Byomkesh Bakshi, the movie. I did want to, but the show was so late at 9.40 pm and I was so sure I would doze off. Also, dark movie theaters with a relatively new person, is something I want to avoid. I don’t have a clean history with movie times in Pune , back in the days. 😉 So much so, when I was in India in January and I told Ani that I may watch a movie with a college ex, she screamed at me and said no. She is such a mom. I will try to hang out a bit longer the next time we meet, if we do meet.

So that was it. When we parted, he gave me what I described to Moo as a hug that lasted 2 seconds extra than normally how I hug my friends but for some reason did not feel comfortable at all.

But… But I just realized that during our dates, I was telling him all the stories about my goofiness at work, and stupidities and he was laughing a li’l bit. But there was nothing he said that made me laugh. And I am so easy about laughing! Shawn says it doesnt take much to crack me up! I only fall for guys(and have previously in all my relationships) who can send me into peals of laughter, with eyes watering and where I can say the silliest things and get the silliest things said to. Really lame jokes are my lifeline. I cant even explain how the xBF’s humor was. It was a cross between extreme rudeness and insults and lame jokes. Abhi hopefully remembers it well. It is not a comparison, but just what I like in a boy.

I did walk back to my car smiling a little bit. But I am still waiting for the guitars and the violins.

PS : Mindy Kaling is my soulmate.

Dating tales : Boy 2

This guy got back to me on Tinder with an excited(I think) ‘Finally a mechanical engineer on tinder!’ So that was nice, because it is so rare to run into a mechanical engineer in real life, except at work of course, that when you see another person from opposite sex, it is another level of hormone driven crazies. After chatting a bit on Tinder, he sent me his phone number to talk on whatsapp with the cutest message. ‘Here’s my number, in case there is an internet outage tomorrow :)’ That was just too cute! He had asked me about meeting twice on two different weekends. But once I had a wedding reception, and the next weekend, I had a severe bout of the lazies and I fibbed that I was out on a work trip for that Saturday. Yes. I am THAT lazy.

So finally, I asked him on Thursday if he wanted to meet on Friday. He said he would love to, but if we could make it on Saturday it would be better. He had told me that he was working till late and was swamped at work. I said that was fine. This time, I let him pick the place. We had decided on meeting for brunch on Saturday. He texted me back on Friday noon with a nice place for Brunch. The only thing I had told him was that I am a vegetarian, and he sort of surprised me by saying that he was one too. A couple of brownie points to him for that. 🙂

Now we had decided on meeting at 11 am. I am the quintessential good girl who is crazy punctual with time, and so I was there at 10.45 am. I just sat in my car in the parking lot listening to the radio. Then I got a text from him that he will reach by 11.10 am. I said sure, but inwards I groaned about my habit of reaching early and then having to wait extra for people. 

So he reached and we finally met. He was quite well dressed in a black polo T-shirt and dark blue jeans. I gave him a mental tick mark. Just like Boy #1, I felt he was only a couple of inches taller to me! Strangely, at my 5’3.75” I was starting to feel, errr, quite tall. That 0.75^th of an inch is very important. Now, the xBF was an inch shorter than me. He came from a genetically tiny family where most of them average around 5’2”. But since I knew him for a year and then fell for each other, it did not matter. But with online dating apps, I think physical appearance becomes more important for that first impression. Sounds shallow, but it is true. This boy also fulfilled a very important criteria. He had good lips. *hides face and blushes deep red*

We went inside the Café and ordered our food. Again, I ordered waffles that I absolutely love, but wanted his order of spinach omelet, hash browns and toast. God should somehow automatically send me a boy who will offer to share food right away. That will be my perfect someone. So, we were talking and eating. I could tell that he was really nervous! His hands had the slight nervous tremble going on, and I could just see how he was struggling to make his words sound not quivering. That was strange. We spoke about shows and movies. I made a stupid mistake of saying how I had to watch two of the Fast and Furious movies because of then ex-boyfriends, and he sort of did a ‘Who? Ohh’. I am not entirely sure what the double take was for. We spoke about work, cursed our thesises(thesisii? Theses??), spoke about how awesome California is and our times in India. He has lived only in Vizag all his life before moving to Texas for his Masters and then to Cali for work. He is sort of a low talker. I had to go ‘Whaaat?’ or ‘Pardon’ a couple of times. He is not into dogs(boo hoo!). When I said how I love dogs, he said that he, err, is not too much into them, but like, cares for their wellbeing(?!?), and finds them all right. Haha, I found that too funny!

Now comes the crazy part. After we were done eating, he said that somehow we had finished our food too fast. He asked if I was interested in going to the beach. Although, both of us were in jeans, I said yes nevertheless. We walked to our cars and I told him I will be back after dropping something in my car. When I got back, he told me his car wasn’t starting! He tried a couple of times, and the car just wouldn’t budge. Very awkward. I offered to help him jumpstart using my battery but there was no open parking spot around him. Sheesh. He very sheepishly said that we could go in my car. I said alright and off we went to the beach, on a wild goose chase to find parking on that lovely, spring, beach-kind-of-day. We drove 15 minutes to get to beach number 1, Laguna beach, and spent 115 min weaving in and out of parking lots. We got out a couple of times because the rate was too high. Next we went to Crystal cove, and again, we entered a lot, saw that we would have to pay pretty much $15 for a few minutes and he asked me to take a U turn. After getting out on the road, when I asked him what to do now, he mumbled that we should maybe try to start his car. Hehehe. So off we went back to the Café. This time we found a spot open next to his car and I took out my jumper cables. We connected our engines(our hearts? Rofl!) and his car finally started. I was pretty much the man on the date according to my buddy Shawn. The battery had a disgusting deposit around the positive terminal that he had to wipe out first before I let him connect it to my car terminals. I was really worried about making a mistake and blowing up my sweet Elantra in the process! Anyways, after that we said bye, and oh, we had a bye-bye hug, unlike the stupid wave I gave boy #1 last weekend. So, that was it. 

He texted me on Sunday that it was nice seeing me. His car stalled a couple of times going home as well, and he spent 3 hours with the battery, alternator, bleach and YouTube videos making it work. While, I spent my Sunday, celebrating Easter, drinking two wines at a time and stuffing my face with Tiramisu cupcakes.

  

Dating tales : Boy 1

As promised earlier, I am going to blog about the guys I meet for dates. Let’s see if this is a lone star or turns into a series. 

I met a guy from Tinder last Saturday. The way we met, I am not even sure if I can call it a date.

I had to ask his number for whatsapp, after two weeks of tinder chatting. I firmly believe he should have done it, feminism-sheminism. But he made me do it and I am not too happy about it. We spoke on whatsapp on the day of the meeting and decided to meet at Corner Bakery for lunch, in a mall that is pretty much my watering hole. There is something about malls that makes everything so convenient. If you don’t know what to do, just head to the mall. Something WILL come up. It is fascinating to see the different levels of shopping people show. I find it equally amusing that the Rolex store is perpetually empty. Only 4-5 very well suited guys waiting around for invisible customers. In fact, that entire wing housing Rolex, Dior, Tiffany, Roberto Cavalli is usually not very busy. Anyways, I digress.

When Saturday arrived, I started to get extremely lazy. I thought to myself if I really have to go and meet someone, can’t I just keep chatting with people? When I was seeing the xBF, we were living together with roommates and we would spend most of our time at home, sprawled on bed, watching something together, just both of us or with Abhi, or talking to Abhi, or cooking together. We would head out a li’l bit on weekends. But that was it. There was eating out involved and date nights, but that was not too much work somehow. Now that I have been single for so long, the thought of dating feels exhausting. If I meet people on weekdays, when do I work out? And I can’t meet people after working out. My face is a mess then. I don’t want to wash my face, re-do makeup and put contacts on. Gosh. Too much. But weekends are meant to relax. Sheesh. Also, there is a weird guilt factor about even thinking about moving on. I am missing the xBF like crazy.

So, I reached the café and I saw him standing in the line. To be honest, I had reached 10 minutes early, as usual, had peeped inside and walked into H&M to kill time. I even picked out a top mentally that I bought later after saying bye to him. I went and said hi to him. A li’l dark, glasses, not too tall, loose black shirt, grey/brown pants and brown suede shoes. He had a very grey aura to him, maybe because of his clothes. Nothing too special.

I ordered a pretty meh sandwich that I later wished I hadn’t, and he had pancakes and scrambled eggs, that I wish I had. Point to be noted, we paid for own food, like I prefer. It is a self service sort of place where you order and they get you food. He had asked for his food without bacon and yet they seved him that. He, without a fuss, asked for an extra plate, removed the bacon and ate rest of his food. That was nice. I, err, would have created a small amount of fuss.

Now what did we talk about? We spoke about cricket, food, living situations, Pune and Bangalore. He has never seen anything except South of India, but says his family and friends have. But he has covered 26 states in USA and wants to cover all 50. That was not too bad. He mentioned how he likes to cook but doesn’t do it everyday. He is an early riser. He plays cricket every weekend at 7 am. I wake up at 10.30 am every weekend, unless I have to be somewhere. I was making jokes, and telling him how goofy I am. He seemed to be a simple, serious Bangalore boy. I was atleast 6 times more animated than he was.

That is all I remember from our conversation. It was quite vanilla. Normally I like vanilla, but I was disappointed that I did not hear any bells or guitars in my head. 

We walked over to the parking lot together and he said it was nice meeting me and we will hang out again soon. I said sure and did a little wave and went away to my car. I did not give him a bye-bye hug that I give all and sundry. My buddy Shawn asked if anyone leaned in for a kiss and I chastised him by saying we are Indians, we don’t do that. We both chuckled at my statement and then cried at the possibility of me being #foreveralone.

PS : My friend Anh says I should have gone to a better sit down place, and should have let the guy pay on the first date. 

15 steps to avoid being a weirdo on Tinder

So, I have been trying out Truly Madly in India and Tinder in my area in California. The experience so far has been very wavy. I haven’t met anyone yet, but I am planning to meet some of the guys I have been talking to soon-ish. Let’ see how it turns out. Maybe if nothing else, they will give me some blog content. I feel horrible pangs of heartache and have phases of relapsing into old memories. But I am trying really hard. I wonder what is he doing. 

So far, some of the boys that I have spoken to have been really, really weird. With a few exceptions, of course. I do not know if it’s a mentality or a grooming issue. I have mostly been swiping for Indian guys, because that’s what I am into. I have also spoken to some gora guys but that wavelength merge with such a different culture could be too much for me to handle. You know what I mean? It is just a personal preference for me, and to each his own. Although Gora guys have been matching up with me, but they could just be, you know, expanding their portfolios. Haha!

 

Now as a Public Service announcement, if you are a boy on tinder, please use the following guidelines to avoid turning off a girl. I think some points work for both the sexes, but I am not sure what to tell girls because I have no idea what their dating scene looks like. In my head, I am perfection. 😀 

 1.       Do not assume that if an Indian girl is on Tinder, she is bold and easy. You will make yourself look like a h*rny idiot.

2.       Do not open a conversation with Hie or Hye. Horrible.

3.       Do not use the term Daru(alcohol) after every 5 sentences. You just come across like a raging alcoholic or like a typical college kid who is screaming ‘I drink daru! So I am very cool!!’

4.       Do not ask a girl if she has done the deed with her ex-boyfriend. My friend went through such a conversation with a total turd.

5.       Do not put mirror or gym selfies as your profile picture.

6.       Do not ask her how can she be a vegetarian. She can be whatever the hell she wants to be.

7.       Do not ask her for her favorite author and proceed to insult the said author’s books. You will get whacked by the fattest book of the series.

8.       Do not send her a Facebook friend request the same day as you started talking to her. Nothing screams more desperate than that.

9.       Do not say ‘Oh, I don’t expect girls to be in Mechanical Engineering’ unless you want a screwdriver up your ###.

10.   Do not call her things like ‘Sunshine’ right on the second day of starting chatting. She may be a dark thunder cloud, you never know. Nicknames are best avoided.

11.   Do not be on Tinder if you are the kind of guy who will date like a Romeo and marry the girl only your Mumma chooses. There is Shaadi.com for that.

12.   Do  not ask a girl ‘if she does too much shopping’. It’s her money and she can set it on fire if she wishes to. 

13.   Do not start dissing India. Don’t be ‘that’ kind of a guy.

14.   Do not call anyone ‘so gay’. You will stink of narrow-mindedness and shortsightedness and there is no cologne to care of that. 

15.   Do not be someone you are not. If you are all of the above and pretend to be not, it is way worse. Open your mind and heart a bit, and you will do so much better in life.

*Going back to swiping left n right*