26

A new beginning 

Faith is all we have,
Faith is all we need,
A little speck of light,
Is good enough of a lead.
 
The night may seem dark,
Hopeless and bleak,
But it is not long enough,
And dawn we must seek.
 
The storm will pass,
The clouds will clear,
The wind of hope will come,
To move aside the fear.
 
Life has its moments,
But there is no ending,
However hard it seems,
It’s just a new beginning.

Must remember…

45

The illusion called ‘Tomorrow’

Tomorrow never comes. What we have is today. I have lost a lot thanks to procrastination, fears, anxiety and my dependency on tomorrow. I always felt that tomorrow will bring a better answer than if I ask the question today. Tomorrow was my hope. Tomorrow was my everything. My fear is of rejection, of failure, of bad news, of disappointing news. My fears have ruled my heart and have prevented me from seeing the life, that I see with closed, sleepy eyes every night. And many afternoons. My dreams have the hope that my real life has given up on. You know that old candle that has a lot of wax but the wick has burnt out to its end? I sympathize with that poor candle.

I have done a lot of un-doable things. I have been on many adventures. I have been good, and I have been naughty. And I have been happy , I have been moody, I have been angry. But, I have been very afraid. I don’t go to doctors. I am convinced about bad news. I would rather not hear it. I lack courage. People think I am very confident and have gumption. I don’t deny it. But behind that personality, is a very scared girl who feels she has been thrown in the eye of a storm. One wrong move and she will land up God-knows-where.

 

The xBF at MIT, Boston, from one of our trips. With the hypothetical/real floating question mark.

 
But what I don’t want anymore are ‘what-if’s. For me or for my loved ones. I don’t want that shroud of regret on our actions in the future. I don’t want that giant question mark looming on our heads day in and day out, taking over our lives. I am a giant worrier and over-thinker. It is bad enough being confused but I don’t want to make it worse. Ironically, today the usually inactive him posted the following on FB. These are the smartest words spoke on Breaking Bad.

  
It has been a rough day today. I am hormonal and my back is killing me. My last night dream was about seeing the xBF’s family and stalking them and eventually getting engaged to him. For the umpteenth time. Mid-morning, my co-worker who is also my friend, caught me on my desk with tears streaming down my face, while chatting with Moo online. Moo’s predicament and the hurt she is feeling, translated literally to me when I burnt my hand with hot boiling water. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

14

Sitcom sadness

*HIMYM spoiler alert*

I am a sad bunny today. Last night I saw the final episode of How I Met Your Mother.

I had been abusing the show since last two-three seasons for copying so many things from Friends, and repeating their own story tracks from the previous seasons. Lily was becoming excruciatingly annoying, Ted was super whiny, and Barney was just not that funny anymore.

Yet, when it ended, I felt tears rush down my cheeks while watching the last episode.

Much has been said and written about how it was a good/bad ending. So many people are really mad at the way it ended and so many people have loved the way it ended. I think I was too emotional to completely realize if I liked it or not. So, I saw it again. *facepalm*

I think it was a good ending. Barney and Robin got married, but Robin loved her career as much as she loved her husband. But sadly, Love-0, Practicality-1. Barney went back to being his own womanizer self, but that changed as soon as he looked into the eyes of his baby girl. The daddy switch flipped on and there was a whole new side of him. Lily and Marshall were just the way they were expected to be. Adding another member to their family and raising their brood together while Marshall got the job he had always dreamed about. Ted found the love of his life. I don’t agree that he settled for her instead of Robin. Tracie was his true love after all, and they spent an amazing time together with their li’l ones. After she died, he hung around with her memories. Finally, after 6 years, he started thinking about that one girl again. That one girl, who was his soulmate. Robin. So, he started telling his kids about his and Tracie’s story and began it with robin because she is the one on his mind. All this while, Robin had drifted apart from the gang because again, Love-0, Practicality-2. The highly practical woman that she was, she realized soon enough that with an ex-husband and a guy-who-could-have-been-the-one, she would not be in the same place again as she was when she met that bunch. Clearly, her career took her places, just as she always wanted. She had a wonderful time excelling at her job, but came back at every important moment for her friends. Finally, she also got her true soulmate, Ted. The crazy dog lady got her career, and her man, at the ideal points of her life. It was a perfect ending for everyone.

So, why am I sad? Because I started watching the show during my Engg in Lonavala hostel. After that, I used to watch this how with the xBF. We would sit and watch this together every Monday night. After I moved to OC, we would watch it separately and then get mad at it together after the episode. It feels like the end of an era. It was around a long time, since I was a young girl in my late teens, just starting college and it ended when I am in my mid-late twenties and going through what Robin must have felt while choosing her career and seeing that guy-who-could-have-been-the-one. The stupid episode made me very senti’mental’ but left a little flickering hope in my heart.

Things do work out eventually.