24

When I said it…

“I am not ready,
I won’t say ‘I love you’,
You will have to wait,
I know I told you.
 
It’s been a few months,
And we are having so much fun.
I know you want it,
But I can’t say if you are the one.
 
It’s not like I don’t want you,
But baby, I have this fear.
Those words are precious,
And I want to be in the clear.
 
When you said you loved me,
I asked you to hold onto it.
But you said I could wait,
Till I am ready to say it.
 
I am sitting here thinking,
I miss your love and care.
You just left for Boston,
Your sister is over there.
 
It’s just been two days,
And I need your sweetness.
Your calls and Skype,
Not helping my loneliness.
 
I can’t wait any longer,
Finally have to tell this to you,
Babe, you are my world,
And how ‘I love you’.”

~

You have been gone since,
But I don’t regret it.
We took a harsh decision,
We had to just do it…
 
Looking back at the time,
When I said it,
I am glad I waited,
We absolutely meant it.
 
Remembering those moments,
Been many years, I think five.
Oh, these are not tears,
There’s just something in my eye.

*——————————-*

The xBF’s sister lived in Boston. He used to visit her quite often and during one such visit after a couple of months of us dating, I realized I truly was in love with him.

Parents were over at the east coast for a tour and they went to Boston and that triggered a thought process that atleast got a decent poetry post out. I would like to be a lovesick Devdas who drinks, cries and churns out poetry. But then alcohol=big tummy and crying=floating contact lens. #problems

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18

Stalkerazzi

How many of you have spent a good amount of time stalking someone on Facebook and jumping through their friend’s sister’s cousin’s dog’s neighbor’s profile? *Raising my hand ashamed*

I wrote the following frivolous poem dedicated to the xBF’s social media profiles. This is a joke. Or maybe not. Haha, got you. It is a joke. I promise!

What I have written here, is more like lyrics. While writing this, I was sort of singing/rapping it to myself. But since I am not really a songwriter or a musician, I cant explain it well. Just read it out in Iggy Azalea’s style.

*——————————————–*

I am gonna check,
Who you become friends with.
Is it something real?
Or in my head, a myth.

I am going to ask around,
What you are upto.
I will hover around you invisibly,
Find out who you speak to.

Friending you on Facebook,
Who’s that new girl?
Liking your picture,
Who’s that new girl?

‘Unfollow’ me on Instagram,
Don’t talk anymore to me,
Don’t ping when I’m online,
But that wont stop me.

I will still see your pictures,
Follow every comment,
Stalk your every move,
With nothing to repent.

Writing that comment,
Who’s that new girl?
Wishing you on your birthday,
Who’s that new girl?

Being your stalkerazzi,
Makes me look so small.
But I would rather do this,
Than not know you at all!

Stop cribbing about it,
Just deal with this crazy.
I will tell you how to,
Trust me, its easy.

Don’t say anything,
To that new girl,
We don’t quite like her,
Oh that new girl.

7

Ek baras…

Ek baras beetne aaya,
Jab tumhare saath khulke hasti thi,
Tumhari baatein sunkar,
Dil se muskurati thi.

Ek baras beetne aaya,
Gungune ehsaas ko mehsoos karti thi,
Jab tum mujhe pukarte the,
Bas tumhari awaaz main sunti thi.

Ek baras beetne aaya,
Tumhare haath se niwale leti thi,
Hamare liye laye gaye,
Har chocolate ke liye ladti thi.

Ek baras beetne aaya,
Tumhari yaad se jude har tukde ko,
Uss ‘box of memories’ mein ja chupe,
Tumhare har ansh ko.

Ek baras beetne aaya,
Aaram se jab jeeti thi,
Jab mere din chain se kat te the,
Tumhare aas paas hi main rehti thi.

25

The late goodbye?

If this year was a day,
I am looking at noon,
The morning flew by,
Now waiting for the moon.

Turning to look around,
Glancing over my shoulder,
Still looking out for you,
As the wait gets colder,

I can feel you around,
Holding my fingers,
It has been 8 months,
But the last touch still lingers.

Time to move on,
To me everybody says,
But the longing is still constant,
And not just in waves.

As I prepare for dusk,
And eventually the night,
I believe you are my darkness,
But also the happy light.

I know eventually to this road,
There will be an end,
But let me accompany your memories,
At least till the next bend.

I know it is a thing of the past,
I cannot anymore lie,
But I am still holding onto it,
Preparing for the late goodbye.

25

♪♫ We are… never,ever,ever, ever… ♪♫

I have been writing a lot of whiny posts and deleting them. But I decided on publishing this as a reminder of my teenage and stupidity.

*—————————-*

I was listening to the Taylor Swift song ‘We are never, ever, ever, getting back together…’ on the radio yesterday evening. It is, as the name suggests, clearly about how she has broken up with her boyfriend and is never, ever, ever, getting back together. Just in case it was not clear. 😀

My thought jumped on to my boyfriend number 2. Oh dear God, this was a huge, giant, effing big case of What-was-I-smoking! He was a very sweet guy when he joined college. He had bought the management quota. He was sweet, wellspoken, and seemed to be a nice person, who had a crush on my close friend who was his classmate. Then 2-3 months into the first semester, I told him that I liked him. Mistake number 1. After a month, he told me he liked me and asked me out to be his girlfriend. I was ecstatic, and said yes. Mistake number 2.

He was friends with a group of Richie rich guys who always made him feel shitty for not being ‘cool’. He was also a very insecure person and extremely low on confidence. He was basically from Mathura, and these guys were from Mumbai, Delhi, etc. He started learning rock music and rap in his attempts to be mainstream. Shortly after we were together, he went to Mumbai with his friend Bhushan(I absolutely detest this guy!) and came back with spiked hair. Then began his obsession of blowing his family money on new jeans, only Levi’s or Diesel, new shirts, etc. That was his ‘makeover’. After the first year got over and the results came out, he did not clear the year, none of the guys from the entire group did. They all had year-downs.

Anyways, we continued our relationship after he left to stay in a small district near our college that had many private hostels and coaching classes. Well, there his downfall spiraled. Honestly, it was a disgusting place. The guy started drinking like a fish and started smoking, and not just cigarettes. Uggghhh. Finally, after a lot of unpleasant incidents and a couple of tries, I broke up with him, for good this time. That was the end of the mental stress I was going through. It felt so good. I was always ambitious. This guy did nothing but pull me back into a hole. There was no way I could put up with such a guy who disgusted me. I tried everything in my power for that one and a quarter year to make him see what he was getting into and to help him out. But there is only a point till when you can help someone.

After that breakup, he still used to call me, send me stuff, message me. Even now, he sends me friend requests through his many profiles on FB. I ignore. All of them. He wrote sh*t about me in the college confession pages, and on the other side sends me messages about how he misses me. He writes statuses on my birthday, some kind of stupid rap usually. He never finished Engineering. I heard that he tried to do a lot of things, but couldn’t. He is an alcoholic and an addict. He messaged me some months back that he still wants me and that I should wait for him, he will be a successful software engg and will come to California. I just laughed and laughed.

The point to be taken is, sometimes it feels very addictive to be with a poisonous person. It is extremely hard to pull away. I felt guilty for quite some time, about not being to help him. It seemed to my 18 year old mind that overhauling his life was my ‘duty’. Stupid hindi movies. But it is not! What a person chooses to do with his life is his own decision. At a sub-conscious level, everyone is aware of the good and the bad. The goods seem to be very boring and the bads are very tempting. But the pros and cons should make it clear at what price you will be embracing what. I don’t even think that life should be lived with only weighing the pros and cons, but if it has the power of altering your life course, it is the most important thing to do. He was toxic for me. He made me feel like I had lost all my confidence, my ambition and my ability. I started feeling worthless. I was losing my friends. Thankfully, I had realized that this poison had to be removed. I cut him off completely. I cut all his friends(who are as worthless as him) off from my life. If he would visit college for whatever reasons, I would walk straight past him. The feeling I had was wonderful. Like, I was actually in charge. Ignorance was bliss! After that point, began my upward spiral. My grades went up. I made my best friends. I started seeing another guy, after a while, which did not leave me with any heartbreak because I knew it was just a fling. 😉 The idiot thought he was the only one having fun. Haha!

And that is how, kids, you take your life back.

10

Of long nights…

I glance over the time,
It blinks 10 o clock,
Feels like a free spirited boat,
Stuck alone in the dock.

It is 10.30 pm now,
I am trying to get some sleep,
I can’t seem to empty my mind,
Of the memories etched deep.

It is almost 11 now,
My eyes refuse to shut,
I feel so lost here alone,
Life is stuck in a rut.

The time is close to midnight,
I force myself for a shuteye,
Only to wake up the next day,
With a deep long sigh.