A Valentine crush

Things have changed. In fact, they changed last year, where I had to give up on my SAD – Single Awareness Day – celebrations and sink reluctantly into full V-Day shenanigans. By reluctant, I mean smiling like a Cheshire cat from inside-out, where Mr. PB did all cute things for me and I did all PB-ish things for him. My ‘V Day is such a commercial propaganda’ dissolved into nothingness when I came home to a decorated home and a Taylor Swift 1989 record. I am a sell out and I know it.

But there is a rather interesting story about last year’s Valentine’s evening. Through the years I have assumed that boys are useless creatures and girls have to take up most responsibilities when it comes to thoughtfulness. So, completely expecting him to forget about it, I made 3 reservations. One at Blanca, One at Alexander’s and one at Muzita. On the morning of the 14th, I handed Mr. PB the lil gift that was hidden by my pillow, and I told him that I have made 3 reservations and he can pick one. Turned out, I forgot how he truly is way more thoughtful, and he had made one as well. It actually turned out to be Muzita! He had remembered that I had wanted to try this Ethiopian place since quite some time. So, it was our obvious choice after that!

Evening dawned, or twilight-ed? We got back from work and got all dressed up for our dinner date. Not to humble brag, but my red skirt and thigh high boots were quite something! We reached the restaurant, and were waiting for our server to usher us in. She came by and I caught my breath! I kid you not, she looked like Ruby Rose with her stunning half-shaved and half-bob hair. She was tall, and lithe and walked like a gazelle. She came straight to me, checked me out and exclaimed that I was rocking my boots! I mumbled a thank you while staring at her wide-eyed, like a kid wandering in a bar.

I don’t know what conversations Mr. PB and I had, but I do remember how she gushed at my choices, kept touching my shoulder while talking to me(lovingly, I hope) and kept filling up my glass with honey wine. The V-Day cupid had waved his magic crush wand. I was in love with Mr. PB already, but here was this stunning woman, making me blush more crimson than my skirt. As for Mr. PB, he was more amused at my behavior and was half-delighted about some fantasies that only guys know about.

Her name was Begum and each time we go to Muzita, my eyes search for her. Valentine’s is a huge sham, but what’s stopping us from going all out?! Live and let love (or crush)…

#womancrushwednesday

What not to eat on a V-Day/First date…

Here comes my most favorite time of the year after my birthday, parents’ birthday. Moony’s birthday, Diwali, Holi, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, New Years’s, random street aunty’s birthday, random uncle’s anniversary. You get the gist. Years ago, I started a campaign called Single Awareness Day also lovingly called S-A-D(may have been inspired but whatevs) and although I think 3 more people joined my SAD celebrations, it has been a resounding success. We are going to ignore my mum’s taunt from last year about how there could be one way I wouldn’t have to sit alone at home that day. Again, whatevs.

I think I have covered the gift suggestions in my past posts and you may have a fair idea on what to not give so as to avoid receiving a beating. While having my lunch salad, and then fishing to take the green pieces out of my teeth, I decided to suggest some food options to desperately avoid the said fishing in public. These also work fabulously as first date options.

Shall we?

1. Green salads: I understand the need to not be bloated, but what to do. Imagine a nice big smile, and seeing a lovely piece of green stuck over your front, top incisor a la Ani and her cilantro in college. Right? Nope. Stick to Caesar salad if you must. You may fancy out to quinoa and stuff.
2. Burger: If you are eating at a fancy place, chances are that the burger is going to be super loaded, and there will be dripping, the wrong kinds. And somehow I dont enjoy opening my mouth like a cave to devour all that stuff in one go. Also, I am not prissy enough to use a fork and knife for burgers. Just not ladylike, whatever the hell it means.
3. Pizza: A date got into an argument with me because I usually have my slice folded up. I was not having it and argued back like my life depended on it. He wasn’t a tough loss because well, he chewed with his mouth open. But otherwise, a rather good option, if you can avoid the stupid arguments. And also if the date isn’t picky about toppings. Otherwise, you may as well have toasted bread with ketchup and cheese thrown on top.
4. Seafood or Bbq: Homegirl doesnt eat meat and seafood places have, probably, ONE thing to order, and mostly created for the menu as an afterthought. Also, many *cough* girls refuse to kiss meaty mouths till they have brushed their teeth.
5. Indian food: Unless you are going with a Desi guy, or someone who has experienced and enjoyed the cuisine before, it’s a bad idea. I have a tendency to focus on other people’s reaction at every bite if we are eating something or somewhere that I suggested. I will forget about my food and get jittery if I feel that they did not like it, and then will start a passive aggressive defense of the food. It’s quite mental actually and combined with my utmost love of desi food, chances are that i will take it personally. So if you are like me(i hope not!), pick another spot till a comfort level has set in and your craziness has been accepted.

These are kind of my top 5 not-to-have when out on a first date to avoid looking sloppy. The frizzy hair covers that aspect quite well. There are plenty of options that you could go for. Craft cocktails or breweries, as long as you are not falling of the bar, are always a good idea. Get some munchies, good drinks, and you are set for the next 5-6 hours. Thai food is good and tried and tasted. Sushi is nice, clean and pretty light on the tummy. Just be mindful of the wasabi because crying on a date is awkward, whatever the reason be. Italian is cute, romantic, and paired with wine, works out well. Mexican food or Ramen is definitely a winner because tacos and ramen are life!

Anyhoo, Happy V-Day to the oddballs who celebrate, and extra hugs for SAD celebrators, because y’all are way cooler anyways.

10 awesome Valentine gifts for your single gal pal.

So, you have a date for V-day? Good for you. I am going to sit here announcing how it is such a rubbish consumerist/capitalist day while inside I am boiling with anger and screaming ‘WHY, GOD, WHY?!’ But hey, congrats again!

Now, you definitely don’t want your single gal pal to feel sad and left out, and most definitely don’t want a third wheel. So, go ahead and make her feel better or this will happen.

I have written some solidly helpful posts in the past to raise awareness for single people on Valentine’s day, or Singles Awareness Day as I prefer to call it. This is a dumb stupid day, with the exception of being Mad-DD’s wedding anniversary.

Leaving you guys with some helpful gift ideas to help that single gal pal(obviously, me) get through this dumb day.

1. Subscription to a dating app: Your gal pal needs to get out and start dating, if she isn’t already. I force myself to go on all these dates just because I fear that I am going to miss out. Major FOMO, and YOLO! Get her a premium account on Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, Dil Mil, Aisle, etc. Maybe skip Tinder.
2. New iPhone battery: For all those apps, you need a solid battery power. Without getting into the iPhone vs Samsung debate. let’s just get your gal pal(me!) a brand new battery for only $29. I forgive, but do not forget, dear Apple.
3. Photoshoot: How about some nice display/profile pictures for her, eh? Get your DSLR out and shoot some nice candids for her so that she looks cooler and funnier and more vivacious than a drunk kitten.
4. Uber/Lyft gift card: Sometimes, all she needs to get out and have a good time, is the option of not driving at all! Let her drink, but not drive.
5. Urban Decay Naked palette: Just because it is my current obsession right now, but I cannot justify spending $54 on it. I feel nicely blended eyeshadow on my droopy hooded lids, will solve all my life issues. I will take a Sephora gift card, thank you very much. SP has fulfilled the clinique gel liner obsession already.
6. Zip my dress: Look at the product for God’s sakes! The biggest disadvantage of being single is a mad struggle to zip your dress up. Let your gal pal have a moment of peace from crazy body contortions and get her one of these. A back lotion applicator wont hurt too, while you are at it.
7. Mani-Pedi gift card: The nail bar lady says how will i find boyfriend if my nails dont have design on them. Maybe that will get us singles, doubled.
8. Lip mask: Confidence is key for your gal pal, and she needs to be ready for all situations, as learned from The Bachelor where Mr. Pillowlips is a kissin’ bandit. Get her one of those Laneige sleeping lip mask or something, and let her become Miss Pillowlips. Never thought these words will flow out of me.
9. Belgian chocolates from Costco: when nothing works, let your friend dissolve into divine sugar rush. The Belgian chocs are DIVINE! PB-certified. But just one box, okay? We don’t want that photoshoot look like it was done 5 years ago.
10. Bottle of Pinot Noir or straight up Tequila: Just ignore all above and let her chill with Netflix, and some good red, or Margarita, or plain ol’ shots.

I accept cash/check/PayPal/Venmo and all courier packages.

10 Valentine gifts for instant breakup…

It is coming! Apocalypse of Love is coming! This is the 3^rd consecutive year where I am going to absolutely hate on the concept of Valentine’s day and curse the xBF to oblivion and utter some abusive words for the Crush, who’s name I am sure I won’t remember when I come back to read this post in a few years.

I had jotted down some interesting points on how to spread the joys of Single Awareness Day on Valentine’s day. If you want to read about that, go HERE. If you still insist on not being ‘aware’, go ahead and do your thing.

For people who are a part of a couple and want to be on the fast track to being single, I am going to make your job easier by listing down some of the top instant-breakup gifts that you can give a girl. Because I am a girl. Also dear future partner, let this be a guide to ‘what-not-to-gift-PB-like EVER’.

1. Envelope with straight up cash : You are her lover and not her mother’s sister’s husband who got invited to the wedding. You must make a better distinction between the occasions. Since, we are on the point, checks, Visa gift cards are also off the table.
2. Weird Und*rw*ar : My friend had gotten his GF this really weird thing with strategic keyholes, and yes, he told me because we are almost siblings and he was sharing how lost he felt in the store, which incidentally was called ‘Pink Kitty’. He never ended up giving it to her after seeing the face I made. Ha! Also, I don’t know who or why someone would like edible UGs. Nope.
3. Deodorant : Perfumes are beautiful. Perfumes are sensual, playful, s*xy. But, please, do not give a girl Deo sprays. It is almost like telling her that she stinks.
4. Cookbooks or cookware : Unless she really enjoys cooking or requests you specifically, giving a cookbook or cookware says that you want her to seriously work on her cooking.
5. Bunch of yellow roses : A friend actually gave his wife a dozen yellow roses and she was horrified! His reason was that the yellow roses were cheaper by almost 2 bucks a pop. He is lucky that they were already married. For the uninitiated, if you want to or have been in a cuddle with someone, give them red roses! Yellow = Friendship.
6. Showpieces/Figurines : I don’t know how to describe these, but these are the little pieces you get in greeting card stores like Hallmark or archies, that look like little angels or birds or dogs or cherubic babies. An ex used to give me a bunch of these and I hated them. What the hell am I supposed to do with these in a dorm room and no home to decorate?! Moo hates them too and her line of reasoning involves a dust-phobia. It is true! The amount of dust we have in India, makes keeping home spick n’ span really hard!
7. Self-help book : Give her ‘How to be a nicer person’ and say bye-bye to love forever.
8. Clothes or bags : Some people like to get clothes as gifts. But if your girl is like me and extremely picky, I would suggest to steer clear. Most men that I am friends with or have dated, have not had (good)similar taste in clothes as mine and it makes an awkward situation when I express the desire to exchange a la Rachel from Friends.
9. Gym membership : Are you calling her FAT?!?!?!?!
10. A small velvet box, with no ring inside : This is the worst gift I have ever seen if you are dating. I saw a vlog by a very famous youtube personality’s boyfriend who gifted her a small square box on their anniversary with a bow on top and recorded her reaction. They had decided no gifts, but he was trying to be sweet. She went all oooh and aaaah and emotional and opened the box only to see a tiny gold chain inside. Her next set of oohs and aahs was weirdly high pitched and absolutely fake.

So, keep this in mind and have a good Valentine’s day. Whatevs.

15 tips for fellow singles to get through V-Day

So we are going to be celebrating a Singles Awareness Day Saturday on, well, Saturday. On the occasion of this SAD Saturday, let me give you a few pointers to get through the excruciating 24 hours where mush and confetti is going to fall on you non-stop.

1. Do not go out to a theater in full taav(attitude) to watch a movie alone. The only thing you will end up watching is some furious making out ALL AROUND YOU.

2. Do not lose your mind and binge eat that entire box of chocolate. You will regret it so much when you step on the scale. Remember my fellow SAD Saturday observer, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.

3. Do make something special for yourself or order something nice to eat. My special favorites are Egg curry, Pastas, or Tawa Paneer.

4. Do not go to a restaurant alone. Bad idea. The waiters will either thoroughly ignore you or look at you with such undisguised pity. And mostly, you will end up with a table near the restroom or the kitchen. Plus, you may catch umpteen proposals, a lot of PDA and such disgusting things around you.

5. Watch your favorite sitcom. But do make sure you don’t watch an episode with lovers coming together finally, or people getting married, or anything with hot s*x. NOPE. There, there. We don’t want to cry.

6. Do not stalk your ex’s social media. Reminder to myself have been placed all around the room on post-its. Which are thoroughly neglected.

7. Do not stalk and hate on the new girls he is adding in his friend list. Does not matter how horrible you are sure they are.

8. Do not get drunk and drunk-dial the ex. (*Hiding all my wine*)

9. Do not be that idiot who will post things on Social Media wishing parents, siblings, cousins and friends. This is NOT a family love day. It is a day for proposals, affection and the ‘other’ kind of action.

10. Do not pretend you have a date later in the day. Please. Have some self-respect and be supportive of SAD Saturday.

11. Do not send a bouquet to yourself at work. Even if you are writing a note from Anonymous. People will go, ooooh, but in the inside, you know how pathetic that is.

12. Find other SAD Saturday observers and have a picnic together. We used to have our Pavana Dam trip in college in Lonavala every year. Somehow I would start dating people right after V-day who weren’t even a part of that trip. The group was full of SAD celebrators and Friend-zoned people(mostly boys).

13. Do not go shopping. You will thank me later for saving your credit card debt.

14. Do not talk to or meet anyone in a relationship. They are gross on V-day. Just gross. Unless they don’t celebrate it.

15. Catch the India-Pak cricket World Cup match on a giant TV in a newly married couple’s home. This applies for American time zones specially. Again, which I am doing in San Diego, and I shall re-iterate the exception in my point 14. And pray really hard that we do not lose the winning streak.